Wednesday, July 15, 2009

it's coming.

we'll be married in 3 weeks and 2 days.
can't wait for that day.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

thoughts of the air

i am currently flying over wyoming. destination: calgary, alberta. my flight was over 3 hours delayed this evening, backing my 914pm arrival time to after 12:15am. needless to say, i'm slightly tired of airports/airplanes for today. all i want right now is to see josh, hug him, kiss him, go home and sleep. providing my plane makes its way safely to the ground, that'll happen soon. i'm looking forward to it.

quiet moments like this are the best moments for my heart and mind to just GO. to think to wander to dream to desire to long to admit to confess. the sentiment of life seems to catch up to me in these moments. i love that there is nothing in front of me to concentrate on. there is no human, no errand, no distraction. i am alone in my thoughts in this late night flight.

in so many ways, i wish much of life were like these. distraction free and careless. having my mind wander is almost healthy, it brings me back to a place of reasonable sanity and contentment.

lately i have had a full body realization of how little my biggest priority is. all in one, it's saddening and encouraging. saddening that i've let things slip but encouraging, knowing that it's not over and done with...there is room to grow and once again, get back to a place where priorities line up.

there is so much for a person to admit to the outside world. there are so many hidden things that we keep to ourselves, in fear of judgement and guilt. however there is such an awakening inside when things like this can come out. in the moments when you're surrounded by community and vulnerability gets the best of you all, there's always a weight lifted off your shoulders.

last night on the phone with josh, we had a good discussion about where we've come from, where we are now and where we want to be. discussing things that have weighed SO heavy on my heart in the past weeks and months were lifted and it's almost like now [in a weird way] i'm allowing myself, giving myself 'permission' to move on from the place i am at and into the place i want to be.

dedication and discipline kicks my ass sometimes. i fail miserably at the things i'd most like to succeed at. oh how backwards things can seem when your sight is blurry.

in six and a half weeks, i'll be a wife. [it'll probably kick my ass at times too]. the next six and a half weeks is such a great opportunity for me to continue to allow myself to be shaped into a woman with a softer spirit, a kinder heart, a stronger servant and a more passionate Believer.

i would love for the Lord to grant us [josh and i] a wider view of the things he longs to do in our lives. i hope my perspective remains solid though, acknowledging that while God knows, he's not obligated to reveal immediately. josh and i are being led down a path with a lot of unknown factors. though we would love to know what'll happen and how we'll get there, we're doing our best to embrace the journey. because as we all know, it's the journey that makes us strong and helps us learn and grow.

there is a song that i first heard a few years ago. it was on a friends [ashley ekers!] xanga site and i was instantly drawn to it. googled the lyrics and found a free download. it's one of those songs that comes and goes with different seasons. the core message of the song is quite clear...God is for us, not against us. how easy it is for us to forget this TRUTH.

whatever i face in life, it's such a sweet and gentle piece of truth to know that Jesus is for me. Jesus is for josh. Jesus is for josh and i together. if i truly believe in the Jesus of the Bible, then i must believe all things are under his watch and rule and dominion, my life no exception. there is something in that, that causes great fear but also great freedom.

right now i'm just trying to train my heart to remind my head that i'm being looked after.

i now have a canadian customs card to fill out.
this means i'm one mile closer to josh.
i'll [obviously] post later.


ps - this is home in less than 2 months.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

success in a new way!

a couple of weekends ago, my sister and i went garage sale-ing[?] for fun. the only thing we came away with was a red kitchen aid silicon loaf pan for $.75. not bad a bad price considering retail value is $15. i hadn't got the chance to use it until tonight. i can now say that i have successfully made homemade bread in the pan. and i'm so excited about it!!

a good chunk of yesterday was spent compiling recipes for a homemade recipe book. i really enjoyed myself! there are SO many different recipes out there and i cannot wait to get started making them. i kept getting so excited whenever i'd see a good recipe because i knew i'd be making it for my husband in our own little apartment in calgary in just over a month and a half. it's no suprise that most men appreciate really good food. i hope i don't fail josh in that area. ha (:

i'm so sure that many women who read this will think 'oh cute naive engaged girl...thinking that cooking for her husband and family will always be great' i'm not unaware that the glory of it all will eventually fade into a routine but i'm pretty okay with that. i'm pretty okay with a routine that allows me serve my husband and children in such a creative way [cooking].

anyone out there have any good [HEALTHY] recipes? i should admit that i'm SUCH a sucker for weight watcher recipes. so many weight watcher recipes that i've made/ate are so good and so healthy. it's such a good way to eat good without sacrificing flavor. mmm mmm. watch out....without a job in canada maybe i'll become a cooking/baking freak and start a FOOD BLOG. ohhh man. that'd be awesome. i'll keep you updated.

i'm currently packing for my next trip to calgary. i fly there on tuesday afternoon. i can't wait. such a sense of security when i'm around this man:

we have a whole list of things to get done while i'm there. some fun, some official business like stuff related to immigration. hopefully getting a good chunk of stuff done and out of the way. i'll be going with all the groomsmen to get measured for a tux. so much fun. oh! also, furniture shopping! i'm really looking forward to that. so weird i'll be living in CANADA. life never ceases to take me on a ride. thankfully, starting august 7, i won't be riding alone...i'll have the most handsome and capable man next to me.

[ps - josh got SO excited when he found out that there was a theme park on our honeymoon route. it was cute. i'm excited to go with will be had with my HUSBAND]

our wedding day is now is 47 days away [thank you]
my dress is getting altered...pick it up on july 7.
fingers crossed everything turns out well (:

currently listening to: leona naess

until next time world.

Monday, June 15, 2009

not a lot of thought.


the "t" block in my gym's name is taped onto the wall.

we got our engagement pictures in the mail today. our wonderful photographer edited 30 pictures for us and for the most part, i love them. if i don't like the picture, it's definitely not because of the shot or because of josh. it's of course because i think i look funny. oh well. such is life!

i mailed off my first forms for immigration. i was nervous. i'm hoping [PRAYING] everything was right and that it gets processed smoothly, not to mention quickly.

i've gone since my birth date without being fingerprinted and within the past 2 weeks i've been fingerprinted not one, not two, not three but four times. canadian immigration, you will be one of the most stressful and fruitful things i've ever done. bring it onnnnn.

took maggie [my dog] to petco the other day. [petco: it's where the pets go] we got her nail trims there because it's close to impossible to do it ourselves. it takes three people here at home, not joking. her nails were so long she couldn't keep her feet beneath her. she kept sliding and slipping. it was a little sad, mostly funny. also, she's the most anti-social dog ever. she could care less if there are other dogs around.

venting thought:
why do people get you wedding gifts that you don't register for?
does that even make sense?
isn't that the POINT of a registry?

my hours are getting cut at work.
it's irritating. i need 10 hours. help!

more to come.

a few engagement pictures:
[our wedding pictures will be great]

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

i have returned.

so people keep talking about how they want me to blog more.
but the thing is, no one really reads it. [at least to my knowledge]

right now, as i see it, i'm writing down my thoughts just so i can re-read them in a few months. that's pretty much how the blogging world works if no one 'follows' or reads.

regardless of whether or not this will be read or if it turns out to be for my own enjoyment down the road, i'll try and explain life these days.

i am, in fact still engaged to this hunk of a man:

[i showed this picture to my grandma this afternoon. she said 'he's a handsome man' and i said 'why yes, he is!' and then she pointed to me and said 'but you, i like that smile']

the wedding is now less than two months out.
and no, i'm not stressed with wedding planning.
[but yes, i am stressed about immigration.]

i have a dress [but it can't be revealed]
all the girls have dresses [but each has a different dress so it's too many pictures]
all the guys have tuxes [but i simply lack any pictures]
flowers have been ordered
decorations have been decided [but we don't set up/tear down...score!]

this day that will mark one of the most important events of my life is turning out to be a classier event than i ever thought it would be. thankfully, that is happening at no huge price tag. [in wedding terms that is] i cannot wait for that day to come.

my heart soars to think about not only being 'a bride' but
joshs bride.

i am committed, without any hesitation, to living out my days with joshua brian. i look forward to standing before josh in front of our friends and family on that august day and vowing my love and respect and honor to this man [who has truly exceeded any expection i had of what my husband would be].

looking to josh to complete me or to make me whole is not what i'm after. no human on this planet can fill every void or whole but i do look forward to josh being next to me. encouraging me, supporting me, loving me, praying for me.

my grandma is now in a nursing home. [that's an entirely different blog though] the first time i went and visited her there, i was slightly overwhelmed by many things. as i walked out of there, i had so many thoughts running through my head and the only thing i could seem to do is send josh a text message saying 'i just left the nursing home...i want to grow old with you. i love you so much'. and his response, which i love, was 'i love you too, so much. we can grow old and crazy together.'

i have experienced that there's a certain security in giving your love away to a trusting person.
when josh and i are near to one another [one week a month] i feel safer. more secure. more confident.
more of who i was created to be...his wife, his companion.
again, he doesn't make me whole or complete but he sure does add something to the mix...
( :

Friday, April 10, 2009

it's not about us.

friends of the blog world...
it's been a long time.

since we've last talked, i got engaged.

i'm getting married in august.
moving to canada in august.
probably learning what real selfishness looks like in august.

josh and i are really seeking out which road Jesus is going to lead us down.
there are so many options, leading to so many different places.
we're asking that by his love, grace and humility.
we want to live in ways that glorify his name and not our own.

so many things. so many things. so many things.
being in love with Josh has awakened me to the FACT that on my own, i am not capable of loving a person. over and over, day in and day out, i'm being taught a lesson of grace, humility, sacrifice, joy and victory.

"you make all things work together for our good."
even when things don't seem to make sense [living 1500 miles apart from the man you're engaged to], i hope we gain a better sense of how ALL things really do work together for GOOD. he has new mercy for us every day.

at the end of the day, this whole being in love thing isn't about us.
it's about our sweet jesus, it's about others.

we'd don't want to be alone on this journey.
join us, won't you?

hopefully it won't be another 2 months before i post.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

it was good.

i am in the chicago airport.
getting ready to board a plane back to kansas.

this past week in calgary, a lot happened in my heart.
a lot of reassurance of the good things God has in store.
a lot of challenging questions were brought up that need to be examined.
a whole lot of love was exchanged between josh and i.

never before did i think i could experience such a blessing.
but let me tell you...

having the sweet Lord put someone in your life that LOVES you
and having Him put love in your heart for someone else...
is one of the greatest things in the world.

josh and i have a long path ahead of us.
we already see the twists and turns up ahead
but we're thankful we're walking together.

Jesus teaches us so much in and through love.

more to come soon.
blessings friends.
the days are gifts.