what i thought i wanted.

it's coming.

2009-07-15T19:16:00.002-05:00

we'll be married in 3 weeks and 2 days.
can't wait for that day.

thoughts of the air

2009-06-24T09:56:00.003-05:00

i am currently flying over wyoming. destination: calgary, alberta. my flight was over 3 hours delayed this evening, backing my 914pm arrival time to after 12:15am. needless to say, i'm slightly tired of airports/airplanes for today. all i want right now is to see josh, hug him, kiss him, go home and sleep. providing my plane makes its way safely to the ground, that'll happen soon. i'm looking forward to it.

quiet moments like this are the best moments for my heart and mind to just GO. to think to wander to dream to desire to long to admit to confess. the sentiment of life seems to catch up to me in these moments. i love that there is nothing in front of me to concentrate on. there is no human, no errand, no distraction. i am alone in my thoughts in this late night flight.

in so many ways, i wish much of life were like these. distraction free and careless. having my mind wander is almost healthy, it brings me back to a place of reasonable sanity and contentment.

lately i have had a full body realization of how little my biggest priority is. all in one, it's saddening and encouraging. saddening that i've let things slip but encouraging, knowing that it's not over and done with...there is room to grow and once again, get back to a place where priorities line up.

there is so much for a person to admit to the outside world. there are so many hidden things that we keep to ourselves, in fear of judgement and guilt. however there is such an awakening inside when things like this can come out. in the moments when you're surrounded by community and vulnerability gets the best of you all, there's always a weight lifted off your shoulders.

last night on the phone with josh, we had a good discussion about where we've come from, where we are now and where we want to be. discussing things that have weighed SO heavy on my heart in the past weeks and months were lifted and it's almost like now [in a weird way] i'm allowing myself, giving myself 'permission' to move on from the place i am at and into the place i want to be.

dedication and discipline kicks my ass sometimes. i fail miserably at the things i'd most like to succeed at. oh how backwards things can seem when your sight is blurry.

in six and a half weeks, i'll be a wife. [it'll probably kick my ass at times too]. the next six and a half weeks is such a great opportunity for me to continue to allow myself to be shaped into a woman with a softer spirit, a kinder heart, a stronger servant and a more passionate Believer.

i would love for the Lord to grant us [josh and i] a wider view of the things he longs to do in our lives. i hope my perspective remains solid though, acknowledging that while God knows, he's not obligated to reveal immediately. josh and i are being led down a path with a lot of unknown factors. though we would love to know what'll happen and how we'll get there, we're doing our best to embrace the journey. because as we all know, it's the journey that makes us strong and helps us learn and grow.

there is a song that i first heard a few years ago. it was on a friends [ashley ekers!] xanga site and i was instantly drawn to it. googled the lyrics and found a free download. it's one of those songs that comes and goes with different seasons. the core message of the song is quite clear...God is for us, not against us. how easy it is for us to forget this TRUTH.

whatever i face in life, it's such a sweet and gentle piece of truth to know that Jesus is for me. Jesus is for josh. Jesus is for josh and i together. if i truly believe in the Jesus of the Bible, then i must believe all things are under his watch and rule and dominion, my life no exception. there is something in that, that causes great fear but also great freedom.

right now i'm just trying to train my heart to remind my head that i'm being looked after.

i now have a canadian customs card to fill out.
this means i'm one mile closer to josh.
i'll [obviously] post later.

grace.

ps - this is home in less than 2 months.

success in a new way!

2009-06-21T20:35:00.005-05:00

a couple of weekends ago, my sister and i went garage sale-ing[?] for fun. the only thing we came away with was a red kitchen aid silicon loaf pan for $.75. not bad a bad price considering retail value is $15. i hadn't got the chance to use it until tonight. i can now say that i have successfully made homemade bread in the pan. and i'm so excited about it!!

a good chunk of yesterday was spent compiling recipes for a homemade recipe book. i really enjoyed myself! there are SO many different recipes out there and i cannot wait to get started making them. i kept getting so excited whenever i'd see a good recipe because i knew i'd be making it for my husband in our own little apartment in calgary in just over a month and a half. it's no suprise that most men appreciate really good food. i hope i don't fail josh in that area. ha (:

i'm so sure that many women who read this will think 'oh cute naive engaged girl...thinking that cooking for her husband and family will always be great' i'm not unaware that the glory of it all will eventually fade into a routine but i'm pretty okay with that. i'm pretty okay with a routine that allows me serve my husband and children in such a creative way [cooking].

anyone out there have any good [HEALTHY] recipes? i should admit that i'm SUCH a sucker for weight watcher recipes. so many weight watcher recipes that i've made/ate are so good and so healthy. it's such a good way to eat good without sacrificing flavor. mmm mmm. watch out....without a job in canada maybe i'll become a cooking/baking freak and start a FOOD BLOG. ohhh man. that'd be awesome. i'll keep you updated.

i'm currently packing for my next trip to calgary. i fly there on tuesday afternoon. i can't wait. such a sense of security when i'm around this man:

we have a whole list of things to get done while i'm there. some fun, some official business like stuff related to immigration. hopefully getting a good chunk of stuff done and out of the way. i'll be going with all the groomsmen to get measured for a tux. so much fun. oh! also, furniture shopping! i'm really looking forward to that. so weird i'll be living in CANADA. life never ceases to take me on a ride. thankfully, starting august 7, i won't be riding alone...i'll have the most handsome and capable man next to me.

[ps - josh got SO excited when he found out that there was a theme park on our honeymoon route. it was cute. i'm excited to go with him...fun will be had with my HUSBAND]

our wedding day is now is 47 days away [thank you theknot.com]
my dress is getting altered...pick it up on july 7.
fingers crossed everything turns out well (:

currently listening to: leona naess

until next time world.

not a lot of thought.

2009-06-15T18:24:00.005-05:00

funny:

the "t" block in my gym's name is taped onto the wall.

we got our engagement pictures in the mail today. our wonderful photographer edited 30 pictures for us and for the most part, i love them. if i don't like the picture, it's definitely not because of the shot or because of josh. it's of course because i think i look funny. oh well. such is life!

i mailed off my first forms for immigration. i was nervous. i'm hoping [PRAYING] everything was right and that it gets processed smoothly, not to mention quickly.

i've gone since my birth date without being fingerprinted and within the past 2 weeks i've been fingerprinted not one, not two, not three but four times. canadian immigration, you will be one of the most stressful and fruitful things i've ever done. bring it onnnnn.

took maggie [my dog] to petco the other day. [petco: it's where the pets go] we got her nail trims there because it's close to impossible to do it ourselves. it takes three people here at home, not joking. her nails were so long she couldn't keep her feet beneath her. she kept sliding and slipping. it was a little sad, mostly funny. also, she's the most anti-social dog ever. she could care less if there are other dogs around.

venting thought:
why do people get you wedding gifts that you don't register for?
does that even make sense?
isn't that the POINT of a registry?

my hours are getting cut at work.
it's irritating. i need 10 hours. help!

more to come.

a few engagement pictures:
[our wedding pictures will be great]

i have returned.

2009-06-09T18:08:00.010-05:00

so people keep talking about how they want me to blog more.
but the thing is, no one really reads it. [at least to my knowledge]

right now, as i see it, i'm writing down my thoughts just so i can re-read them in a few months. that's pretty much how the blogging world works if no one 'follows' or reads.

regardless of whether or not this will be read or if it turns out to be for my own enjoyment down the road, i'll try and explain life these days.

i am, in fact still engaged to this hunk of a man:

[i showed this picture to my grandma this afternoon. she said 'he's a handsome man' and i said 'why yes, he is!' and then she pointed to me and said 'but you, i like that smile']

the wedding is now less than two months out.
and no, i'm not stressed with wedding planning.
[but yes, i am stressed about immigration.]

i have a dress [but it can't be revealed]
all the girls have dresses [but each has a different dress so it's too many pictures]
all the guys have tuxes [but i simply lack any pictures]
flowers have been ordered
decorations have been decided [but we don't set up/tear down...score!]

this day that will mark one of the most important events of my life is turning out to be a classier event than i ever thought it would be. thankfully, that is happening at no huge price tag. [in wedding terms that is] i cannot wait for that day to come.

my heart soars to think about not only being 'a bride' but joshs bride.

i am committed, without any hesitation, to living out my days with joshua brian. i look forward to standing before josh in front of our friends and family on that august day and vowing my love and respect and honor to this man [who has truly exceeded any expection i had of what my husband would be].

looking to josh to complete me or to make me whole is not what i'm after. no human on this planet can fill every void or whole but i do look forward to josh being next to me. encouraging me, supporting me, loving me, praying for me.

my grandma is now in a nursing home. [that's an entirely different blog though] the first time i went and visited her there, i was slightly overwhelmed by many things. as i walked out of there, i had so many thoughts running through my head and the only thing i could seem to do is send josh a text message saying 'i just left the nursing home...i want to grow old with you. i love you so much'. and his response, which i love, was 'i love you too, so much. we can grow old and crazy together.'

i have experienced that there's a certain security in giving your love away to a trusting person.
when josh and i are near to one another [one week a month] i feel safer. more secure. more confident.
more of who i was created to be...his wife, his companion.
again, he doesn't make me whole or complete but he sure does add something to the mix...
( :

it's not about us.

2009-04-10T18:39:00.006-05:00

friends of the blog world...
it's been a long time.

since we've last talked, i got engaged.

i'm getting married in august.
moving to canada in august.
probably learning what real selfishness looks like in august.

josh and i are really seeking out which road Jesus is going to lead us down.
there are so many options, leading to so many different places.
we're asking that by his love, grace and humility.
we want to live in ways that glorify his name and not our own.

so many things. so many things. so many things.
being in love with Josh has awakened me to the FACT that on my own, i am not capable of loving a person. over and over, day in and day out, i'm being taught a lesson of grace, humility, sacrifice, joy and victory.

"you make all things work together for our good."
even when things don't seem to make sense [living 1500 miles apart from the man you're engaged to], i hope we gain a better sense of how ALL things really do work together for GOOD. he has new mercy for us every day.

at the end of the day, this whole being in love thing isn't about us.
it's about our sweet jesus, it's about others.

we'd don't want to be alone on this journey.
join us, won't you?

hopefully it won't be another 2 months before i post.

it was good.

2009-02-24T20:12:00.002-06:00

i am in the chicago airport.

getting ready to board a plane back to kansas.

this past week in calgary, a lot happened in my heart.

a lot of reassurance of the good things God has in store.

a lot of challenging questions were brought up that need to be examined.

a whole lot of love was exchanged between josh and i.

never before did i think i could experience such a blessing.

but let me tell you...

having the sweet Lord put someone in your life that LOVES you

and having Him put love in your heart for someone else...

is one of the greatest things in the world.

josh and i have a long path ahead of us.

we already see the twists and turns up ahead

but we're thankful we're walking together.

Jesus teaches us so much in and through love.

more to come soon.

blessings friends.

the days are gifts.

the time is near.

2009-02-14T15:55:00.004-06:00

i leave in less than 48 hours for calgary, alberta.

to see that guy. isn't he just so cute?!

[he's also so wonderful to me]

my parents gave me tulips for valentines day.

there's a hot postponed valentines date in store for josh&i next week.

this has NEVER ever been a problem for me but...

i'm having a hard time cutting back on what shoes i pack for calgary.

here's a riddle for you all in the blog world...

what's kelly green, burnt orange and ivory?

[answer to come soon]

until then, be fruitful and increase in number and fill the world.

uh...wait. no that's not what i meant. hah.

coming soon..

2009-02-05T16:32:00.003-06:00

this boy has turned me into the emotional sap that i swore i'd never be.

i see him in one week.

can't go back.

2009-02-03T01:09:00.002-06:00

it's a new season friends.

there is a good amount of happy.

there is a good amount of shitty.

i'm ok with it all right now.

can't seem to catch a break when it comes to learning things.

whatever. it's probably best that way.

helped two little girls make necklaces tonight from suubi beads.

it was fun to be with them but it wasn't the same as sitting in one of those ladies homes and eating matoke with them and insisting they didn't buy me a pop.

it will never be the same.

i will never be the same.

i miss sneaking up behind betty and scaring her and then getting into tickle fights with her. they usually backfired on me when josh and her would team up to get me.

yeah. i'll never be the same...

where do we go?

2009-01-31T01:04:00.007-06:00

i just hung up the phone with my joshua.

as i closed my phone, i heard the delightful screams of kymbi

i found myself crying and i thought to myself...

what the hell is going on???

why am i not in uganda with that beautiful child and his mother???

this has been one of the hardest days since being back.

i am praying that the Lord doesn't leave my side

because i am uncontrollable without Him.

where do we go when we don't even know where we're at?

"here in my darkest hour, you remind me of how faithful you are."

i'll write more later.

a new day.

2009-01-20T18:15:00.004-06:00

so here we are on one the most historical days ever in regards to politics and racial equality our nation has ever seen.

as i was doing my thang on the elliptical machine at my 'fitness club' today, FOX News [sick blech] was on one of the tv's. though it's not my news channel of choice, i had no other election based option and really, i guess it was ok because at this point, it was only the parade being shown. anyways. i started thinking about this whole day and what it means for our country and what it COULD look like for our country and the thoughts just kept coming.

i was thinking about how it's slightly funny that so many americans support and trust the new president [not just obama, any president]. i just feel like it's so out of the ordinary for so MANY americans to place so much hope in one man when it's not guaranteed that he will succeed in what is expected of him. i am not saying that we should not get behind a candidate and support them, it just struck me for a minute how that's not usually how the american people work. we usually like to have things lined up and figured out and set in stone before we really commit to them. put i suppose that's the world of politics? nothing is ever set in stone.

all of that said...i am, like many americans, support obama. he was the one that caused me to shout and jump up and down in uganda when i heard the news he was elected president on november 4. he was the one i voted for, he was the one i trust and hope to do the best job for our country. knowing he has so much ahead of him [SO MUCH], it's my hope that the america people will stick with him and do their best to treat him as a respected leader. knowing he won't do everything we want or he'll make choices we don't all necessarily agree with, i hope we're able to maintain an ample amount of respect and honor. we're so quick to get on the presidents case when things don't go our way but try to imagine the weight and pressure of such a position. his humanness will surely show in the upcoming months and years but keep in mind that he's in the same boat as we are...the human boat of mishaps and mess-ups.

oh i hope good things for the next 4 years.

to the men and some of the women who could probably care less about 'cuteness', please ignore the next line.

the obama family is adorable and his two girls are so cute. what nice little ladies.

in honor of such a day, i am listening to derek webbs politically charged album, mockingbird.

i've enjoyed this [free] album for so long now. there is so much meaning behind the lyrics.

so many thoughts about how to personally fuse the two worlds of faith and politics.

faith and politics. quite the subject if you want to ask me.

"let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter, and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."

-taken from barack obama's inauguration speech

1.20.2009

in completely different news, i want the world to know how blessed i am by this guy:

i can't believe that i have the opportunity and blessing of calling him mine.

he believes in me. he cares about me. he brings me sanity when i need it most.

i'm learning from him.

being with him and loving him has been quite a journey and...

i'm glad it's not over.

whether you're freezing cold, burning hot or somewhere in the milder sections of the country,

enjoy your day.

may peace be yours.

it's cold

2009-01-15T09:01:00.004-06:00

"...those orange juice drinking floridan sissys....i'm going there next week."
"haHAhahaHA" [creepy laugh]

--new york city man talking of how cold florida is
on the TodayShow

it's cold here in most of america. SO COLD. there is a chance that my ass will actually freeze itself off. when i woke up this morning, the wind chill was -13. i am not used to this people. i know i've been back for just over two weeks but come on! i had over 10 months of solid warmth and now THIS? oh geez.

the cold is not the cause but...
i may be on the move in the upcoming months.
good-bye kansas, hello....some other state?

being away from the PEOPLE/things i love the most is hard.
but i'm learning.

toss it out the window.

2009-01-09T22:30:00.002-06:00

blog number three of being back in america.

it's been about 11 days since i've been here.

i don't feel as much culture shock as people seem to think i do. i've never really had to deal with culture shock upon my returns to the States. how or why, i'm not sure but i just kind of seem to slide into wherever i'm at. i'm pretty sure i enjoy this. i do my best to embrace all the good in a culture and do what i can do to perhaps 'deal' with or 'adapt' to that which is viewed as bad.

thankful doesn't begin to describe how gracious i am for my time not spent in america. not only have i been able to do what my heart has always enjoyed doing [helping those who need it in a felt way, seeking good] but i am been blessed with an expanded worldview.

i heard a story this past week about how a guy stood up in a forum about world hunger and said something along the lines of how he ate dinner that day and he wasn't hungry and so everything was fine. hopefully what that boy said doesn't strike the average person as 'normal' or even 'comprehendible' but seriously. how do you really disconnect the two worlds? what is it that makes the worlds of 'us' and 'them' so appealing. i think for one thing, it portrays the selfishness that engulfs some of the western world but more than that, it's just plain craziness in my head.

lets face it. unfortunately the comfortable world of 'us' would not happen without the very uncomfortable world of 'them'. most things that we do to enjoy ourselves happens at the expense of 'them'. we exploit them to the highest degree and try to justify it all in our minds somehow.

now i don't have solid answers or solutions to problems like that but i do know that by making conscious decisions to be more aware of how everything that i do as a consumer effects someone else, somewhere else in the world, i am doing my part. i don't want to sit here and point out the spec in others eyes, when i'm avoiding the one in my own eye. we are all responsible for what we know and what we've experienced and what we've seen. sometimes it's hella hard to embrace and connect the two worlds but it's a venture and path that is well worth all of our time. because as long as we allow ourselves to live in a world of 'us' and 'them', we are not doing our part in 'making the world a better place'. we are furthering the problem and widening the ever present gap between the first world and the third world.

the third world may not have the material riches that the west has, but rest assured they have an abundant beauty that cannot be taken away. sometimes the hardest things in life require one to life the veil in front of their eyes and take a look at the world around them. the real world, not the one they've been taught to see.

i know this blog may not have made a lot of sense nor followed one topic but it's what came out. apart from margo, [: i don't even know who [if anyone] reads this anymore. i hope that your new year is going well. it's my hope that this year we all expand our willingness to learn and change for the good.

be well friends.

decent reminder.

2009-01-07T11:15:00.004-06:00

though i feel slightly mixed up when it comes to where i belong and what i'm supposed to be doing these days, it's people like this that help remind me i'll be ok.

more legit blog to come.

stay with me.

i'm{not}fooling myself.

2009-01-02T23:17:00.006-06:00

i am back in america.

everything here moves so fast.

also, the bright lights are overwhelming at times.

rooms seem small because the ceilings are so low

[in comparison to ceilings in uganda]

new years eve came...and went...

without me leaving the house.

i needed time alone to process

[i ended up looking at apartments in kansas city]

i've yet to give myself a good amount of time to think.

what i should be doing, i'm not.

i need to sit. read. listen. write. think. think. think.

it'll come. i've only been here 4 days. [weird?]

lack of processing aside...

i miss this man like mad.

[come quick february 16. please.]

it's here.

2008-12-26T06:07:00.001-06:00

in less than 48 hours, i will be on a plane headed for london. i think i’ve realized more than ever that our human brains can’t accurately wrap our minds around the concept of time. it’s something that is completely out of our control and something that our lives, in one way or another, depends on. each day that passes, i come one step closer to leaving and for once in my life, i’m liking that. but at the same time, with each day that passes, i come one step closer from leaving the place that has taught me so much. all of this is such a strange situation for me. i wouldn’t exactly name it as ‘bittersweet’ but maybe a version of that way.

everything that i’ve learned over the past ten months has been learned here. here in this country. here in this town. here in this house. here in this village. here in this heart. and as i leave, the only thing that i can physically take with me is my heart. and i suppose if anything, i am very thankful for that because i know that my heart can hold all of those things until i return. this country, this city, this house, these people…all of them can dwell with me in my heart. i’m [stubbornly] learning to not only accept this but enjoy it.

the past few days have been filled with ‘last times’ and ‘good-byes’ and somehow i have remained composed throughout all of it. i always imagined these days as some of the hardest in my life but i’m seeing now that the hardest days of my time here are past. i have experienced them, i have lived them and now i am different because of them. i am leaving here on a good note. it’s a note that sings out of peace and joy and thankfulness and calmness. God has showed up on many occasions to provide peace in crazy situations but i don’t think any situation can top this one. i am at peace with so many things right now. i’m finally at a healthy spot (:

as this season is coming to an end real quick,

there are a few things i want to say..

i have talked so much about light gives heat and all that i do with them but i want to take the time to write about things that aren’t often talked about. more specifically, the people behind it. dave, morgan and rachel. they are some of the most humble and hardworking people i’ve come across. without these three people [plus a slew of volunteers in the US] running things in the States, the work here in Uganda would be impossible. all of them have experienced life in Uganda, all of them have seen a need and now they are offering their time and heart to all that light gives heat is about. even in the crazy times, they believe in what we’re doing and they work hard to keep things. i am incredibly grateful for all they’ve done for me. for offering me this position and continually being there for me in so many ways. i want to thank them for their understanding and support in my decision to go back to the States again. and so, to the three of you, dave, morgan and rachel, i want you to know how thankful i am. you are all wonderful people and i’ve been more than blessed to work with you all.

to joe and Melissa, you’ll do great here. i want to thank you for your willingness and flexibility in all of this. both of your hearts are eager to be here and to love and to serve and the people you’re around will be blessed because of you. i know i won’t be here for your wedding but know that i am behind you two all the way. i am excited for your lives together.

and to josh, my best friend who probably will never read this, it’s a simple message to you. thank you for your constant support of everything i do. i couldn’t have lasted as long as i did here without you beside me.

so here we are…after many months and many words, this is my last blog in uganda. i’ll continue writing when i return to the States. your prayers over the next few days for safe travels and continued peace and joy would be so wonderful to me. i’ll write as soon as i can.

good season.

2008-12-23T04:41:00.003-06:00

scovia

To the women of Suubi,

I know that this day where I say good-bye to you has come sooner than we all thought it would but even so, I want to make the best of this hard day. I am better at writing my thoughts down than I at speaking and so I have decided to give you my “thank you” in a letter.

I need you ladies to know how thankful I am to have spent the past nine months with you. You have brought so much joy and fun to my life and heart. In the many months that I have been away from America and my own family, you have become like an extended family to me. The time spent with you in your homes has taught me so much about hospitality and kindness. The way that you all face problems with a smile on your face and hope in your heart is something that I admire of you. You have shown me what true beauty looks like.

Over the past nine months, you have taught me, with words and without words, so much about so many different subjects. What I’ve learned from you will travel with me to America next week. I have been here in Uganda working hard beside you over the past months and although it’s sad to say good-bye, please don’t forget that though you may not see my face every week, I will still be working for you.

ronald, mollys boy

If I have learned anything over the past months, it is that you all work hard and deserve so much. When I am in America, I will do my best to tell everyone I know about you. I’ll share your stories with people and I will tell them about your wonderful personalities. Your necklaces are beautiful and I will sell as many as possible to those around me.

You are being left with good people. Joe and Melissa love you all very much and they will take very good care of you. Be nice to them and continue to show them how great you are. I am sad to leave you but it is good for all of us to know that you won’t be left alone. Continue loving one another and taking care of one another. I pray you all live in peace with one another. Never forget that we are all working towards the same goal of peace and love and life.

So for now, I say good-bye. I love you all deeply and you will forever be in my heart. I am a different person because of you. Don’t forget how far God has brought us all.

I love you and we will be in touch soon.

Julie

julie, my "namesake"

2008-12-07T07:43:00.003-06:00

well, ladies and gentlemen, there has been a big change of plans in my time here. when i arrived here in February, i could never have foreseen this happening but i have changed my ticket to go back to the States. instead of leaving on February 11th, i am now leaving just three short weeks from today on December 28th. there are too many reasons for me to list as to why this decision was made but i know [even in the hard times and crying and second guessing] it’s the right decision.

i have learned more than i could have ever imagined about humility and doing things in a more dependent way…in a way that puts the pressure off of myself and onto completely dependence on the Lord.

being here in uganda for ten months has done an explainable number on me. there have been changes that are good and i will be forever thankful for the trials and fears i have gone through and overcome. but there have also been things that have been wearing on me more than i thought. i love this country and the people, in the deep parts of my heart, i do, but as i [reluctantly] told the Suubi ladies yesterday afternoon, i need a break. honestly, i don’t know what that means and what that will look like in terms of coming back here, but i know that a break is needed.

as i sat on my bedroom floor on Thursday morning with morgan, i was able to work out a lot of my thoughts and be reassured that i am not alone in all that i’ve feeling. people have been in my position before and i think it’s easy for me to be tricked into thinking that i’m completely alone. it’s a lie and i know that i can’t believe it because if i continue to do so, all that will happen is that i’ll gain a growing sense of i’m a failure and i’m weak. it’s easy to let the small voice of the Evil One tell me that everyone else is doing it and if i can’t do it, then i’m not good enough. in those moments, i am so thankful for my mom, my josh and my friends, who are quick to remind me that, that’s not the case.

living here in Africa for 10 months has opened my eyes to so many things. one of them being that ignorance is not bliss. living here i have been able to feel more of the weight of this place and in a strange way, i am thankful for that. i would rather have my heart exposed to hard things that cause a girl to think rather than just turn my head away. being here, living here, has forced me to not be able to turn my head. i have had to face, head on, the reality of this place and at times it has been overwhelming hard.

as i leave this place and go back to kansas to rest and get my head on straight, i will be doing my best to keep my heart bowed down and my head held high. i need to walk out of here with my head held high, knowing that God is proud of me and doesn’t view me any differently because i’m needing to return to rest and recoup but i need to keep my heart in a humble position. though i’m leaving, the learning and need for humility will not change. i need to process everything my eyes have seen and everything my heart has been pressed with.

i ask for your prayers in the upcoming 3 weeks. though i know it’s the right decision, it’s already been proven to be a hard decision. but the right things aren’t always easy and fun. i am needing a whole bunch of grace and reassurance from the Lord. if i have learned anything over the past months it’s that being the ‘strong person’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be but i do ask that God would give me some strength in my good-byes to the Suubi women. i want to enjoy my last weeks here with the other volunteers as well as josh.

“the love of Christ is rich and free…
no earth or hell can it remove.
as long he lives, his own he’ll love.”

smiles first.

2008-12-03T04:21:00.003-06:00

last night, on the matatu ride home from kampala, it was dark and
i saw a mans smile before i saw his body or face.

i love that.

i hope and pray that the people of this country
see and understand their beauty.

2008-11-29T08:02:00.003-06:00

though there are some tribal conflicts here in uganda, there’s still a very strong bond of community. i see it in the way that neighbors care for one anothers children. it’s evident in the way that if a friend is sick, they pick up the slack. there’s proof in the way they sit together, talk together, laugh together, mourn together. i feel as though they have a much firmer grip on what it means to be in community with one another than many of us in the West do.

as i was reading this morning, i came across this verse that really caught my attention. as soon as i read it, two things came to mind. one was a conviction that i need to be serving and caring for others more than i do now and the other was the thought that many people in uganda have got this down. i feel as though many of them understand more about sacrifice and surrender than i may ever know.

“we know love by this; that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.”

1 John 3.16

just before this verse in 1 john, there is this verse…

“the Son of God appeared for this purpose, to destroy the works of the devil.”

1 john 3:8

maybe it’s a stretch but here..

if we are Believers and the truth lives in us, then the Son of God resides in us also. and if that’s the case then that means that [to an extent] we bear the weight and responsibility to destroy the works of the devil. if we are to be holy like He is holy, then i can’t help but believe that we were placed here to bring truth and shed light in the dark places…to edge out the evil in circumstances.

what a pleasure it is for me to be around the Suubi women because if nothing else, i can gain an infinite amount of knowledge about destroying the works of the devil from them. the works of the devil definitely include famine, drought, disease, lack of education and depression…all things that are common here in uganda [and the rest of the developing world].

the women of suubi are taking a resounding stand against the devil by working hard on their necklaces on behalf of their families and the futures of their children. through this job, they have an income. because of their income and hard work, they are able to fight against the evil that the Evil One has so slyly put around them. they are able to provide food and shelter for their families and school fees for their children. the have hope that change can come to their lives. i see it in their faces whenever we buy from them.

[buying from irene - a new suubi lady]

hoping that all of this makes sense, i thank you for reading. i pray that you’re able to find your ‘suubi women’…that you’d find an inspiration for selflessness and hope. may your days be filled with the same kind of hope that these women are filled with.

i want your voice.

2008-11-24T04:37:00.003-06:00

“poverty is so hard to see when it’s only on your tv or

twenty miles across town where we’re living so good.”

when we walk out our front door in america, we may see a car and green grass and smooth roads and smell fresh air but lets not forget that not everyone in the world is so fortunate. it’s a hard reality to face but in America, even with our messed up economy, we really do hold the potential to do so many good things in the world

being in the presence of one of the women in Suubi is always an adventure. their senses of humor…their facial expressions…their odd phrases…their gratitude…their gentleness…their perseverance…their example…it’s all priceless. over and over again, i’m humbled by their hospitality and kindness. hearing stories about their past, their families, their struggles, their hopes and their desires is such an encouragement to me. it’s my hope and honest prayer that when i am back in America, they will stay with me. not for the sake of having memories to keep in my head and heart but so that God may use the stories of these women to challenge and encourage the hearts around me. these women work harder than you could ever imagine for Suubi and their families and every necklaces sold in America really does make a difference in their lives. it’s a joy and blessing to be here with them in uganda.

“more than just your cash and coin,

i want your time, i want your voice.”

2008-11-22T03:41:00.002-06:00

‘how come i can’t tell the free world from a living hell?”
-ray laMontague

[a Sunday afternoon Suubi meeting in danita]

let us not become so distracted by the things that get us down.

may the ladies of Suubi be an example to us all…
seeking truth, desiring peace and claiming hope.

there is more to come.

the world is ours.

2008-11-13T03:40:00.000-06:00

it’s late at night. i should be in bed because i have to get up in the morning and hopefully go download itunes back onto my computer at the internet cafe.

i constantly struggle with this idea of ‘home’.

people always ask me when i’m going home and though most of the time to appease them and not have them become frightened when i lay out my thoughts to them i tell them i’m going home in February. but i’m not so sure how valid that answer is.

the united states is not my [eternal] home.
uganda is not my [eternal] home.
at the end of the day, i feel like searching out where ‘home’ is a pointless pursuit for me.
no where on this wide earth is.
i know that i’ll never find an answer on this earth.
my eyes need to look up.

it may always be this way.
i am becoming more and more okay with it.

i’m listening to rosie Thomas. i have been for the past weeks. her words seem to have the sentiment that i seem to lack in words these days. i could say a lot of things in this blog but i’ll keep it quite short. i’ll let these words speak.

“i have much farther to go.
everything is new and so unpredictable
and i should just kick my heels together and go home
but i’m not sure where that is anymore.”

i fly back to kansas the second week of February and i am excited but i have a feeling that even in the midst of loving the time spent with my family and friends, i will feel strangely out of place. i always will. for this reason:

“for our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to subject all things to Himself.” philippians 3.20

------------------------

i wrote that blog one week ago but for some reason, i never got it up on the internets [small tribute to prez bush and his classic lines] until now. since it’s been a week, i feel like it could be time to update again.

a whole heck of a lot has happened in the past week for me and it would be near impossible to get it all out and so i’m not even going to beat around the bush…not even going to try and make a long story, short.

last Thursday, josh and i went to kampala. what was originally a trip to treat his sore throat, turned out to be a much more important trip for me because i ended up getting a ct scan on my brain. i’ve been to the doctor four or five times in the past month and for specific reasons, he thought it necessary to check out what was happening in my brain. thankfully, the results were okay. he said that a few things could be suspicious but he and another doctor concluded that those things were because i still have a ‘young brain’ [yes, go ahead, make your jokes here].

he is still concerned about some of the results of my latest blood work and so i have another appointment on the 20th of November. i’ve never been to the doctor this much in my lifetime, especially for something as serious as my brain. it’s been a lot to take in. the chances of it being something supremely serious is very small but having a doctor order a ct scan is kind of a big deal. some days are good and i find myself really okay with it all…knowing that it’s out of my hands and that the plans of the Lord are better than what i can imagine. other days are a little harder and the reality of what is/could be going on sets in and i have to take it slow.

i’ve been processing so much lately and though it’s not always a walk in the park, i feel myself growing because of it. even if the situation causing it is not ideal, i am always thankful for growth. if you are the praying kind, i would kindly ask that you would keep me and my ‘young brain’ in your prayers over the next week or so. i have confidence that whatever may come my way will be coming for a reason.

moving on.

Suubi is wonderful. things are really picking up for us all. stateside, they are busy as heck with our new Spread Campaign [suubiafrica.org] and getting things in line and here in uganda, we are crazy busy buying and shipping necklaces. we’ve double in size in the past month. we’ve jumped from 62 members to 124 members. not only has our Sunday meeting been split into two different times to make it not so chaotic in our little room, but we’ve added Saturday as an additional buying day for our new members. we continue to buy more and more necklaces from the women and though there have been a few [unavoidable] bumps, they are still incredibly thankful for everyone in States who are supporting them. every week they say thank you to those who are searching for ‘market’ for their necklaces.

seeing these womens thankful faces on Sundays, seeing them randomly throughout the week and hearing their laugh truly make my days better. though days can by crazy and stressful, i never once doubt what i’m doing here. the hard work, the stress, the endless trips to the bank, the sometimes idiotic drivers in uganda, the inappropriate men…it’s all worth it when i’m gathered in that little room in Danita with dozens of Ugandan women.

when i take a break from buying and look up from my spot on the floor and catch the eye of quiet and gentle little Ruth and we smile at each, i can’t help but to acknowledge the beauty and joy in all of it. every day that i live here in uganda is nothing but a blessing to my life and heart. i pray that my last months here are nothing but an overflow of the love in my heart. i seek only that which the Lord desires. the only things that i want to obtain are those that the Lord has placed before me. i hope and pray that my eyes would continue to look forward and not back because i know that out there, on the horizon, lays a wonderful and stunning life.

it’s my prayer that today we would all choose to live for something greater than ourselves. it’s the best way to live. blessings to you.

where'd it all go?

2008-10-28T08:10:00.000-05:00

again, you all receive my apologies for the long delay in posting. i never have a really good reason for it all, time just gets away. however, don’t be fooled…though my fingers haven’t been busy writing blogs, my mind has definitely been reeling about various things.

i had this moment the other day where i just realized how comfortable life has become here in Uganda. not in the sense spiritual complacency and mental easiness but rather, it occurred to me how this place is no longer foreign to me. i was standing next to the van with some of the street kids and i was waiting for josh to come back with the price of how much they will buy our empty glass pop bottles for and as traffic was zooming past me, my heart was just kind of filled with a greater sense of peace than usual.

and i guess that feeling all of that peace just makes these next months all the more harder. i have been here since February 25th. today is October 25th. today marks exactly eight months. josh and i fly out on February 11th. that means about three and a half months left. in 2007 i was here in Uganda for five months and looking back, i know how quickly those months passed and to know that i now have less than that amount of time left…everything is just strange. [sorry for the possible confusion with all of that; it’s hard to follow my thoughts at times]

on wednesday night, a bunch of us escorted john to the airport to go back to america. going to the airport is always a strange emotional experience for me. regardless of whether i’m picking someone up or dropping someone off, it toys with my mind. saying good-bye is always harder than saying hello, i think we can all agree. especially for these friends of mine that are departing Uganda. if tears come to my eyes, there are usually two things causing them. one is simply that it’s sad to see friends go…to have to say good-bye knowing that when you get back to the house, their bed will be empty and the air that is usually filled with their jokes will be silent. furthermore, it’s always hard to see volunteers go because i know how hard it is to leave this place. to leave this place that they’ve absolutely come to love. to have to say good-bye to the people they’ve met and know they have the long road of american adjustment ahead of them. it can be a damn hard road to walk too.

i say all of this to somehow get to my point of how i’m having a hard time processing leaving. i know it’s a ways off but i also know how quickly it will pass. i’m not sure what i’m so worried about. the hand of God hasn’t let go of mine and i’m not alone. i have Him. i have josh. i have Melissa. i have those who support me in the States. i guess what i’ve come to realize in the past day is that Uganda and everything in it has become my life and i’m afraid of what going back to the States may look like. i don’t know life apart from this land and these people. it terrifies me to think about not being here with these women, seeing these children, being surrounded by thousands of necklaces at all times.

the unknown has always had the potential to kick our ass but right now, i’m determined to not let that be the case. my confidence in the mighty hand of God has to be stronger than my wavering doubt and fear that comes with going back to the States. i can’t let the little voices in my head be louder than the gentle whispers of God. i guess really what needs to be happening is that i need to be still and know that He is God. because if i fail to recognize that truth, things will crumble beneath my feet.

there is a song by greg hjelle called invitation fountain and one of the lines in the song is ‘’where you lead me Lord, i will follow’. i know that this may seem ridiculous and impossible but as i was listening to this song on the way home from the airport the other night, i think i realized that the Lord leading me to the States is a hell of a lot harder to accept and obey than the Lord leading me to Uganda. i’m not really sure how to process all of this or where to go from here, i only need to be reminding myself that i’m not alone. i’m grateful for that.

‘’ be strong, He has not failed you in all the past,
and will He go and leave you to sink at last?
no, He said He will hide you beneath His wing;
and sweetly there in safety you then may sing. ’’

i'm younger than that now.

2008-10-03T04:02:00.001-05:00

i apologize that it’s been over a month since i last wrote a blog. days are crazy and they pass more quickly than i thought imaginable. every time i think about how it’s already October, i am absolutely floored. i can’t believe i’ve been in Uganda since February. at times it feels like 2 months, other times it feels like 2 years. i’m just thankful that i’m still here.

the past weeks have been a really crazy time for me. everything seems to have piled up on top of one another and has just resulted in a big heap of ridiculous. it hasn’t been one specific thing that has gotten to me…it’s a little bit of this and a little bit of that. as my bank account is slowly draining, my sanity seems to be slipping as well. i’ve seen God provide countless times and i know that this nutty season is no different. he’s still the same Provider i’ve always known and trusted. i guess i’ve just had a hard time planting myself in the calmness of His raging storm.

the past two weeks have been a good refresher for my body, mind and soul. [don’t mind the cliché] i spent last week in eastern Uganda. there are some beautiful mountains and a nice big waterfall [see my facebook pictures] there and it was a breath of fresh air. [literally – no car exhaust] a few hikes. lots of sitting. a bit of reading. a bit of writing. a bunch of relaxation. it was good to leave jinja for a few days. i found it gave me a few days to think about things. to contemplate what’s going on. to process all that’s been going on. i enjoyed the quietness of both my physical surroundings and the quietness of my heart.

though Suubi has been one of the main reasons for my stress…i can’t complain too much. i would never want to. this is a beautiful life i’m leading and i’m so thankful i have these women to be with. these women are absolute characters and whether in their homes or at our meetings, it brings a lot of joy to my heart to see their smiling faces. in light of these womens lives, i feel like i may never understand what hard work and perseverance and sacrifice really mean. nothing against hard working men and women in the States but…you don’t have to fetch your water – clean, running water is in at least 2 rooms in your home. you don’t have to do your entire families laundry by hand – those machines in your designated laundry room do all the work for you. it’s funny how when a load of laundry is done in the dryer, i would sometimes find myself complaining that i had to fold the clothes. really, Julie? all you have to do is fold the clothes.

the farther out of cities you go, the more work you find women doing. if they are farming, they carry loads that are at least their weight. as we were walking down to the base of the waterfall last week, we passed a women who was at least 60 years old who had a load on her back that looked like it was twice her weight. as we passed her, it was all i could do to look at josh and tell him that i will never know what hard work looks like. it was a truly humbling moment for me. it’s the same humbling feeling when i see a 3 year old girl carrying a jerry can of water on her head.

there is a song bob Dylan sings…
“i was so much older then, i’m younger than that now.”

we think we have all the answers. we think that we know what’s going on. we think that we understand what’s best for ourselves and others. we think that we are without the need of other humans. but it’s in those moments when your heart is most humbled that we learn that all of those things…all of those things that we thought we knew…we know nothing about. we learn that it’s not about having all the answers or knowing all the right things. it’s about being in a place where others are higher than yourself. it’s about realizing that though we thought we had it all together and we know what’s going on…we don’t. it’s not until we have the humility of a child that we learn some of the most important things in life.

“i was so much older then,
i’m younger than that now.”

the many thoughts in a mind.

2008-08-31T04:08:00.000-05:00

as i sat this afternoon watching invisible children with josh [who had never seen it before] everything i first felt for this country of uganda came flooding back. it was an incredible feeling in my heart to think about the great work God has done in my life since that saturday evening in October of 2005 when i first watched invisible children.

after living in Uganda for [collectively] almost a year, i seemed to see the film in a different way. everything seemed to make more sense. the language. the mannerisms. the streets. the people. the culture. by no means do i completely understand the Ugandan culture now but i am leaps and bounds from where i was at in 2005.

i’ve been thinking a lot about what my future is going to look like but lately, especially lately, i’ve been able to come up with nothing. every single day is different from the next and every single day my heart and mind seem to say or want or desire or think something than what i had previously though. i have no idea where i’ll be in five years or what i’ll be doing. i’m not necessarily worried about it but i really see clearly how the decisions and choices that i make now will directly influence my life down the road.

sometimes i think about the reasons for me going back to the states. i know that in February i’ll go back and see my friends and family but after those weeks of adjusting and spending time with them and loving them and enjoying their company, i know my heart will be right back to where i’m at now…so completely in love with THIS place and so completely enthralled by THESE people. my heart is with these people that have dark skin and bright smiles. i know it’s only been a year but i honestly can’t imagine my life anywhere but here.

sometimes when i think about it all, it just doesn’t make sense for me to NOT be living here. i really feel the need to ask God why he would want me to STAY in America and not stay in Africa. sometimes people can get so caught up in staying where they’re from [maybe perhaps where they are most comfortable?] but if we are children of God, then our home is heaven and the earth is ours to roam.

tonight after watching invisible children, josh, john and i went across the street to the primary school to play frisbee. the school is on break right now and so apart from 5 or 6 kids, it was empty. as soon as we brought out the frisbee, the kids immediately started to play around with us. at first it was us tossing it around to each other and them running around trying to catch it and after a while, they started throwing it around themselves. i looked over and john had placed his hoodie on a little girl who was standing by herself on the steps of a building. it was cloudy and raining and she looked absolutely freezing. after a couple more throws, i decided to quit frisbee and go sit with her.

i sat down on the steps and set her in my lap and wrapped my arms around her in hopes of warming her up a little bit. i found out her name was Deborah. she was the shyest little girl but as most do, she had the most adorable smile. whenever i talked to her, i tried my best to do so in luganda and every time i did, she got this awestruck look on her face and then a cute little smile. it was as if she was surprised this white girl who was holding her knew her language and was trying to talk to her (:

as i held her in my arms, with the thoughts that went along with watching invisible children going through my head, i felt the Lord was with me. though confusion and a lot of ‘unknown’ is with me these days in regards to my life, i felt like holding deborah in my arms was a small [big?] reassurance and comfort that it all doesn’t matter.

it’s today that matters because tomorrow isn’t promised.

yesterday is the past
tomorrow is the future
and today is the present.
yes, it’s just that. it’s the present…it’s a gift.

this beautiful, cool, rainy afternoon was a gift to my heart from God.
i hope God gives you a gift like this soon.
be blessed friends.

don't stop 'til you get enough

2008-08-16T05:26:00.002-05:00

everywhere i go, everyone i meet, every situation i encounter, there seems to be a lesson to be learned. life lessons just don’t ever stop. as i go through life and things are revealed to me, i seem to bask in the sovereignty of God. all things that i see and learn and experience and love are all from God. God creates it, God brings it to me and God teaches my heart.

you know what brings me an incredible joy? we are all human. different colors, different places, different languages, but what it boils down to is that each one of us is a human and each one of us were created in the image of Someone much greater than ourselves.

last week at our main Suubi meeting, there was a situation that brought this issue of being the same to the front of my mind and heart. i know that cultures are different and the way issues are addressed are different but this situation reminded me that despite cultural differences, we are all human. we all feel. we all hurt. we all cry. we all are confused. we all laugh. we all smile. you can see the frail humanity in the eyes of each person.

somehow all of that led me to thinking of the worth and value of each person. there is so much significance in treating each of these Suubi women like they are worth far more than rubies. to live my days’ showing them the importance of their life is something that is worth far more than my effort.

all of these thoughts led my mind to remember how gentle the revolution is. the Kingdom of God is not spread through power or fame. it’s not spread by doing what’s right and wrong. it’s not spread by being good or bad. it’s not spread my morals. it’s not spread by wealth. it’s spread by the unexplainable strength of loving a person. Jesus made it quite clear that it’s not a forced power that brings the people to His love. it’s a simple and gentle love. it’s the yeast in the bread that starts small and slowly but surely invades the entire loaf. it is like the tiny tiny tiny mustard seed that will eventually take over the entire garden.

there is a time for a holy rage [eg – Jesus upsetting tables] but even in that, it’s a gentle and loving transformation. oh that in all we do we would seek the good.

what would it look like if we spent all of our days seeking the good?
imagine it for a minute.

as john and i visit different women and spend time in walukuba and danida, my heart is overwhelmed with a deep love for these people. to not be here in Uganda right now isn’t an option. as i sit in the ladies homes and roll beads or string necklaces or talk about whatever, i literally can’t help but to just look at them and be amazed. my words will never describe how freaking amazing they are.

can i please speak of their beauty real quick? for real. they are stunning. americas next top model has nothing on these women. there is no make up. there are no fancy clothes. there is no expensive jewelry. there is nothing but a pure and honest beauty. and not only do these women have it going onnnnn on the outside but their hearts are so beautiful as well. i could go on forever.

exciting news! someone in the States donated a large sum of money to Light Gives Heat so that they can have a kiosk in a mall in Colorado in November and December! that’s huge! we all know how crazy most Americans get around the holidays…they can never buy enough. so while i don’t encourage buying a lot, it is super great for the Suubi ladies. their necklaces and stories will be everywhere! it gets me so excited. they deserve it all.

these women are not a ‘cause’ to support. they are not a ‘charity’ to support. they are humans. they live. they breathe. they are my friends. they work hard on these necklaces and they pray hard for ‘market’ in the States. these women are real and dang…they are amazing.

thanks for listening to my words. leave a comment. let me know who you are. i say it all the time but i would really love to know how you’re doing. send me an email sometime, it’d brighten my day!

love.julie

you better thank God for that.

2008-08-10T05:53:00.003-05:00

“it doesn’t cost a thing to smile.
you don’t have to pay to laugh.
you better thank God for that.
there’s hope.”
-india.arie

what a precious gift it is that the things the matter the most in life are free. family is free. friendships are free. smiling doesn’t cost a thing. laughing isn’t something that requires money.

i see in the lives of the suubi women a hope that’s alive. it’s the kind of hope that forces a person to rise above present circumstances and choose something better. all of these lessons that i’m learning from these women are renovating my heart. i’m learning about what strength can look like and unlike what we’re used to in the United States, i see very clearly any amount of money you have, whatever your social status may be or whatever “look” you may have does not dictate your strength.

there is a suubi woman named margrit and one of her daughters, agnes, had a baby in late july and named it Julie after me. the ladies insisted that i visited my ‘namesake’ and so on Friday morning john and i went to her home to see margrit and her family. as we sat on the floor of her home and talked with her and others, dennis, one of margrit’s sons scurried into the room. after some more conversation, we learn that margrit has 9 children and 4 of them are mentally handicapped. dennis is her youngest handicapped child and words can’t accurately describe how the love for her son seemed to flow out of margrit. as she sat on the floor with her hands clasped tightly around her son in hopes of limiting his energetic outbursts, i just looked at her with such respect and love and awe.

this woman is an incredible picture of what strength has the ability to look like. she has 9 children, 4 of them handicapped. suubi is her only work. her husband lost his job and now digs in the garden. her radiant smile is proof that she has chosen hope. her caring hands show that she understands love. her joyful attitude is evidence that she isn’t going to settle for sadness. i see her rising above a “ho hum” life and choosing hope. hope that infiltrates all areas of life.

i have a quote from shane Claiborne on the mirror in my bathroom that talks about how these gifts that we have and experience are too good to keep to ourselves. i know these blogs that i write are only words on a page but it’s my prayer that somehow they’d give you a glimpse of life here. that you would perhaps see a little bit more clearly that life isn’t all about you and me. it’s about those around us. it’s about giving your heart away. it’s about taking risks to serve others.

i have faith that if we allow the things that really matter in life to invade our lives, we will be different people. i’m definitely not an expert at living out these things but i think it’s worth pursuing…i’m working on it. i hope you’ll join me. i just don’t think God was joking around when he said life wasn’t about us.

yesterday, today and tomorrow.

2008-07-30T08:50:00.000-05:00

everything about the Lord is steady. for him, today will be the same as yesterday and yesterday will be the same as tomorrow. that’s one of the beautiful things about the Eternal One. in many ways, i need to have integrity and be the same yesterday, today and tomorrow but i can’t escape this truth that i am ever-changing. with each day that passes, i am less and less the same. there are a lot of dead things in me. this needs to change. the Lord is constantly shedding light on the dark, dead things to bring a new sense of life to my entire being.

i’m learning that as i give more, i am gaining more.

God has given me the sweetest joy in knowing that this lesson is not something that i am doing; it’s all his doing. as i find myself convicted and as i find myself acting on those convictions, God is giving me a better understanding of what refinement is. it is in that raging holy fire that i am changing.

my hearts purpose has not and will not change. i’ve been placed here on this soil to make the kingdom of the living God known through the act of loving and serving others. God doesn’t want my eyes to just read the gospels, but to live The Gospel. as a child of God, i am to live a life of love and to imitate His character. He wants me to live acknowledging that His grace and mercy are enough.

the past days have been filled to the brim with fantastic conversations. these conversations have been thought provoking and encouraging and confusing. it was such a blessing to have had a friend from back “home” around…i had almost forgotten what it looks like to have a face to face conversation with someone who fully understands what you say when you say it.

there have been parts of the past two weeks that have been nothing but absolute chaos but when i sit back and think about how temporary it all is for me, i look inside, gain a new strength and find the courage to press on. my load is light in comparison to others. there have been so many faithful people in the world who have carried more than i could ever imagine. when i look at their load and i look at mine, i’m gently reminded that i really don’t have it that bad. things may be crazy and at times overwhelming and frustrating but at the end of the day…i always see the protection and provision of the Lord is big and small ways. i get what it means to rest in the Lord.

there are a few new suubi volunteers coming in a august and one of them is a guy! apart from dave [the official director], there haven’t been a whole bunch of guys join us here at suubi. yes, our work is primarily with women but it definitely extends to their families which usually includes males. and in most situations, you can find that men are able to bring something to the table that women aren’t able to and i think to have a guy or two around is going to be great!

i have been brainstorming some ideas of how to better serve the entire community of Walukuba and hopefully between my ideas and the brilliant ideas i’m sure the new volunteers will bring to the table, i think we’ll be able to start up some fun new things. i’ll be sure to keep you updated!

i still find myself walking down the road, turning to the person i’m with and exclaiming “geeeez, i love living here!” the path of my life will probably change in the upcoming years but for now i can’t even begin to explain how much i really enjoy where i’ve been placed and the work that’s been put before me.

wherever i’m at and whatever i’m doing, i know i’ll always be able to stand firm in the love that never fails and on the truth that is as steady as a rock. it’s my prayer that as the hands and feet of the invisible God, we would all grow in love and truth action, knowing we aren’t alone in anything we do.

i am thankful for each one of you.

may you be blessed today.

2008-07-15T07:46:00.000-05:00

rachel, abram, john and eva.

“i did not come here to offer you clichés and i will not pretend to know of all your pain but just know that when you cannot, then i will hold out faith for you.”

these triplets had been in the hospital for over 2 ½ weeks when i visited them for the third time last Monday. i quickly saw that though eva was doing much better, john was still pretty sickly and abram was in a far worse condition than the other two. after looking at him for about a minute and seeing he had only gotten progressively worse over the past 2 ½ weeks and not progressively better, i had it decided in my head that if we didn’t do something and get him real medical attention, he would die in the next 24 hours.

after some drama with the nursing staff at the hospital, we got them transferred to an actual medical center down the road. the afternoon we got them there, they tried and tried to get blood from all three babies in hopes of running some tests on them. they successfully drew blood from only one of the babies. the level of dehydration in these little ones was astonishing, their veins were invisible. after being told that they would continue to try and get blood from little abram during the night, we left them there with their mother and father telling them we’d return to visit them all first thing in the morning.

8:30 the next morning we go to visit them and are told that they aren’t there. i ask where they went and the doctor proceeded to tell them that they transferred them back to the hospital they had came from because they couldn’t get the blood from abram. [all this translates into is that they were a bit lazy and didn’t want to or didn’t care to work hard enough on behalf of this little baby] after calmly explaining to the doctor that we had brought these babies to them because they weren’t getting the medical treatment they so desperately needed at the other place and that i was disappointed with the way their center handled the situation, we left very frustrated. not five minutes later, Rachel walks up from behind us. she said something really fast that i didn’t catch but the next words out of her mouth were ‘abram died’. i was floored and instantly said ‘what?!’, thinking that i heard wrong. she repeated herself and then said that they had refused treatment and had sent them back to the hospital in the night and that abram died a few hours later.

when she said this i was utterly at a loss of words. i’m pretty sure i didn’t get out anything but a couple ‘what’s’ and a few ‘i’m so sorry rachel’s’. my mind was going a million miles a minute.

i was incredibly sad that abram no longer had a beating heart. my heart ached because this family just lost a child, brother and grandson. i was exceedingly angry at the staff at the center that refused to treat abram. almost immediately i felt a little guilty and played the ‘what if’ game in my head. everything was so overwhelming in those moments.

as Rachel and her family went to the burial, my day didn’t slow down. i had things to pick up in walukuba. we were visiting a suubi woman at 10am. my sister who had been here a month was leaving that evening. everything seemed to spin but i knew that i couldn’t slow down yet.

after i was able to process some things on the night drive home from the airport Tuesday, we were able to visit Rachel Wednesday morning. she seemed to be doing okay and like i had felt the day before [except magnified 100 times for rachel], life couldn’t slow down for her yet. she still had 2 babies in the hospital that needed her attention. we were able to help her get some necessities and visit her at least once a day for the rest of her time in the hospital.

it was just this afternoon that we were finally able to see the leave the hospital and send them home. she had been there for about a month. i think eva will be fine. Rachel insisted on going and the nurses okayed it but part of me still thinks that john was taken out of the hospital prematurely. God is bigger than my little mind though and not only knows what he’s doing but knows why he’s doing it. i’m putting my trust in that.

all of that said [and know this is a very very shortened version of the story] please think of and pray for Eva and John and Rachel and their family. there are still some great struggles ahead of them and covering them in prayer would be so helpful. may they know in the depths of their heart that though the road is rough and path uncertain, they’ve already won the fight and that even through the death of a small and helpless child, victory will always be theirs through Christ.

“i believe you’ll outlive this pain in your heart, and you’ll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart...when some time has past us and the story can be told, it’ll mirror the strength and the courage of your soul.”

***

everything that has happened in the past weeks has really encouraged my mind to ask some of the harder questions in life. i ask these questions over and over again and yet the only answer i can seem to come up with is:

i don’t know and i don’t understand and i don’t know if i ever will.

all i really know is that the sovereignty of God is strong in the storm and His grace is flowing even in the desert.

my work here may not be physically demanding but it can sure as heck be tremendously emotionally, mentally and spiritually challenging. some days are long and i don’t know what to do with myself but i don’t doubt for one second that it’s the hand of God that has me here. . i mean that with my whole heart. God seems to have somehow etched onto my heart that though he never promises it’ll be easy, He does promise it’ll be worth it.

when you want to give up and quit, you’re still being beckoned into true Life. when a cold wind blows around you and you feel lonely, you’re still loved. when you feel obligated to succumb to the flesh, remember the Rock that created you.
friends, good times or bad, this is life and we ALL only have one.

show the difference.

2008-06-24T07:18:00.002-05:00

as i driving down a side street this afternoon, something on the left caught my eye.
it was a piece of graffiti.
pale blue wall…red letters.

what was written was this:

“they love Africa but not Africans”

when i read this, something inside of my heart broke. this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. i don’t know the individuals who wrote this or which persons behaved in such a way that would make them think this but all i know is that it was difficult to read.

it breaks my heart that someone was treated in such a way that they felt unloved. it upsets me that someone [most likely a Westerner] treated this person with such little worth. it disturbs me that there are many people who come and go in this place that treat those around them without the respect they deserve.

and in addition…isn’t this completely backwards from the way it should be?
aren’t we [especially as believers] to love people and not locations?

aren’t people the ones with souls that extend into eternity…aren’t they the ones Christ died for? and aren’t locations the places that God is able to wipe out with a single thought…aren’t they places that will be destroyed without hesitation one day?

though it know it’s near impossible to do, all i want to do is find this person and tell them that however they were treated was wrong…it was a lie. i want them to know their worth. i wish i could show them that there is another way to go about life…one that doesn’t include feeling worthless, feeling disrespected and feeling unloved.

by no means are any of us the perfect example of how to treat a person [we are all human…] but somehow we can’t let our flaws get in the way of the pursuit of others. to pursue them and to somehow, whether through words or actions, show them that they are worth everything. that they are our worth our love, they are worth our time and by all means, let them know that Jesus found them worthy enough to die for.

…

as i continue to spend time with these ladies, i find that my heart is becoming more and more involved and attached. as i continue to see their struggles, i continue to be transformed.

i think the thing that is drastically different about needs here than in comparison to most needs in the States is that here, they are actually needs. in the States, i believe that we confused the terms need and want.

you don’t need a new bike, you want one.
you don’t need to go out to dinner, you want to.
you don’t need to upgrade your phone, you want to.
you don’t need a new shirt every week, you want one.

so as we go about our day and we are faced with decisions, big or small, i hope and pray that we can call [myself included] chose to make the right decision, not the easy or comfortable decision. may we learn more what it means to deny ourselves and indulge in Him. may we have the eyes to distinguish between need and want.

may we never forget that even our small choices may make the world of a difference to someone on the other side of the world…

“All around you people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip or dance, just don’t tiptoe.”

i pray that this week we would all learn a little bit more of what it means to be free from the slavery of our wants and to be truly alive.

lets take some risks.
lets be courageous.
lets remind ourselves that our hearts are still beating.

new things are happening.

2008-06-11T04:14:00.000-05:00

lately it seems like every where i look, something new is happening. it’s overwhelming at times but it’s so good. new things bring about change and change is good…it allows us to see new things, experience new things and learn new things.

rachel [one of the suubi volunteers] left to go back to the States last week. it was sad to see her go and though i know she is going to miss all of the wonderful suubi women, i also know how excited she was to see her husband. after three months away from the man you love, i bet she was ready to see him! (:

apart from myself, renee is the only other suubi affiliated person here and even she leaves in a week! not having renee here will be a little sad/hard and so completely different than what we’re all used to but i know that her going back to the States is all in the plan. she’s been here for over 9 months so it’s crazy she’s leaving but i’m sure she’ll be back here in Africa before she knows it!!

although Rachel is gone and renee will soon be going, i think i’ll be okay. as most of you know, my sister comes here on wednesday night and will stay for a month. it’ll be good to have her here for a bit. i’m hoping she has a good time getting to know the Uganda that i fell in love with long ago.

suubi is going to be all over the States this summer at various places spreading the word about what we’re about and also sharing the stories of the women with everyone they see. i know it’s close to impossible but part of me would really love to be able to be back in the States for a week in July to be at one of the festivals suubi will be at. it’s not that i am doubting dave will do a good job (: but i think it’d be so much more than fun to spend a few days on the American side of things…sharing the incredible stories from here in Uganda with all the people i’d meet.

in other suubi news, a couple of new and exciting things are in the works. i don’t know how much information i’m “allowed” to let you all in on but just trust that it’s good stuff. because of the support everyone in America has given towards these women, suubi is having the opportunity to grow. keep your ears open and your eyes peeled!

i guess another big piece of news is that i’m moving houses. there are many reasons why this move is the best decision for me but the most urgent is that when renee leaves next week, the suubi house will be completely empty. i don’t think anyone involved with suubi [including myself] would feel comfortable with that house being empty for an extended amount of time. leaving the girls i’ve been living with for almost 4 months will make moving away from this house difficult but i’m incredibly thankful that it’s only a 10-15 minute move. the girls already spend Sunday afternoons at the suubi house but in addition to that, i’ll be able to come back here a couple of afternoon/evenings a week to see them. not seeing them isn’t an option to me. they are great and i love them so much!

so that’s life on the outside.

on the inside i’d say that i’m seeing that in order to stay sane and to not get myself stressed out, there are things in my life that i’m having to ‘give up’ [at least for the time being]. these things that i want or desire are not bad or even necessarily unhealthy, it’s just that i’m finding and learning that in surrendering things to the greater purpose of the Lord is more beneficial than anything else i could do with them.

i’m learning a lot about really enjoying the place i’m at. not seeking to always know what’s ahead…not always demanding to know the next step. with the help and mercy of the Lord, i’m attempting to tame my wandering mind that always seems to make a beeline for the future. it’s only because of His grace that i’m alive. all i have is today and tomorrow is not promised to me. therefore i’m living in the light He’s given me today.

thank you to everyone who is reading this. your thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement continue to serve me in tremendous ways.

all roads lead to the place we are.

2008-06-01T06:00:00.002-05:00

the past two days i was blessed with the opportunity to attend a Passion conference here in Uganda. they are visiting 17 cities all around the world this year and it just so happened that Kampala [the capital of Uganda] was one of their stops. i don’t have words to describe how incredibly encouraging it was to my heart. it was more than just a conference, more than just a weekend.

from the days when God literally saved me from myself [saved me from my own physical death] to the days in panama when i acknowledged that Jesus was above me and made a genuine commitment in my heart that I would always say yes to His leading, God was writing a story.

when God lead me to northern Thailand my beliefs and thoughts and views began to take shape. i was figuring out what it was that God was wanting my heart to know so that i could live out my life in His name. in those days, jumbled thoughts became clear ideas.

when i went to college for the first semester and felt horrible uncomfortable, God was writing a story. the crucial wake up call He gave me after the death of a friend and the prompting to move back home after one semester of college was vital in where i’m at now.

when i got involved with invisible children and organized the Global Night Commute in Topeka, Kansas i had no idea how my heart would be transformed and how God would use that transformation to bring me to knew places. as my heart grew in love for the people of Uganda, i knew i couldn’t stay in America, i had to go there. so i worked and i planned and i came. for five months in 2007, i spent time in Uganda loving and care for little children.

shaken to the core by what i saw and experienced in those months and after a few months of confusion by being back in America, my heart responded by saying yes to going back. in those days of decision making, there was so much uncertainty that i decided to just embrace it instead of stressing about. i booked a ticket and didn’t know my return date. i worked and prayed and loved being around friends and family and the day finally came that i left Kansas and headed back to Uganda.

the first month of living here was exactly what i thought it would be…a lot of unknown. i was okay with it. every day was a little different and i was trusting that the Lord would pull through because the Lord had never failed me. in time, a job was offered to me. after a little praying and thinking, i accepted the job.

and here i am. that is life up to now.

as i stood in the field last night surrounded by young Ugandan men and women watching the Watoto Childrens Choir sing a song about love on stage, it hit me a huge way that this is my home. and i grateful to God for making it that. only His grace and mercy and love has the power to make any place on earth a home and that God chose to place me here in this country for this time brought me to tears. i was absolutely floored by the reality of it all. i am not here on accident, i am not here as a visitor. as i thought about the glory of it all last night, a renewed love washed over me. a love for the Lord, a love for all people.

[[it was an extra special moment for me when we sang 'great is our God' because i realized how far God has brought me, physically. i have sang that song in American, Thailand, Uganda. God is global, there is no doubt about it.]]

i have no idea where i will be a year from now. i don’t even want to know. if tomorrow has enough worries of its own, how much more must next year?

i am here. this is my life. i love it but more importantly, i love the Lord. without Him, i wouldn’t be here, i wouldn’t be in Kansas, i wouldn’t be anywhere. i am longing to be with Jesus face to face in heaven but until that day when He calls me home i see once again the remarkable beauty of living on the earth to make Jesus famous.

“have the attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Phil. 2:58

the God we serve is the God who knows the names of the millions of stars in the sky. now that is more than amazing and has the power to knock me down onto my knees but i honestly don’t know which is more fascinating…

that He knows the names of each star

that He knows our names and hearts

think about it.

God is big and He is great but He’s not done yet.

lets praise Him for that.

“better happy and poor than rich and unhappy”

2008-05-20T05:20:00.000-05:00

as i took in the conversation that was taking place in the ‘living room’ of a woman named Florence and her friend Grace, and i was struck by Grace’s words.

“better happy and poor than rich and unhappy”

i feel like this woman, who is one of the most gracious women i have ever met in my life, gets it. she gets what life is about and what life is not about. though she’s never been rich…she’s seen the rich and she’s seen their attitudes, she’s seen their lifestyles…she’s seen their choices. it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that just because you have ‘stuff’ doesn’t mean you’re satisfied or happy with it all.

these women are absolutely delightful and as i spend time with them, whether for a short or long time, i have gathered many things, one of them being this: they understand the things that matter most in life more than most Westerners will ever understand.

their homes are humble and wonderful.

their families are large and welcoming.

their unique personalities outweigh their present circumstances.

their hard work is something to be mirrored.

i have done a lot of observing lately and i continue to recognize that these bodies, these lives, are fleeting and more temporary than we are able to conceive. though problems and hard situations tempt us all into thinking that this is all there is, there is a voice that’s calling out much louder than those that tempt.

the voice is loud and the voice is full of power and strength. it’s proclaiming that we were made for more and that if we, through Jesus Christ, are able to persevere until we are in our eternal home in heaven, he will show us that it was all worth it. not to ‘prove himself’ right but to declare how good he is and that the earth was just a ‘stop’ on the endless journey.

* * *

i know i don’t need to explain this to everyone but i’m going to share it with you because it’s means a lot me. this life that i am living here in the States is no different than the life i live in the States. i say that to mean this: i am not on a ‘trip’ to Uganda. i am living in Uganda. feeling led by the Lord, i decided to move here. though i was born in America, it is not my home. as followers of the Lord i think we all need to, in big and small, ways learn what that really means. whether it’s following him to get a summer job at a bookstore or whether it’s following his lead to move to Africa for some time…it’s all following and it’s all vital. so just as some of you commend me for ‘braving it’ and coming here, i commend you for being in America if that is where you believe are to remain.

though i have mission, i am not on a missions trip. i hope that you all can understand that. you may feel called to live in the States, i feel called to live in Uganda. apart from a silly physical location, that does not put me in a different place than you. we are all heading in the same direction…we are all after the same thing and that’s a simple and pure pursuit of the heart of God.

* * *

as i was reading the book of James out loud to the girls tonight, i found myself reading words that could not ring truer in my life than now. it’s remarkable how God chooses to present to you what you need to hear. though convictions are not always an enjoyable time, i find myself grateful for them. change doesn’t really come about without conviction and because i’m convinced that God is not a static God, i embrace change…i embrace convictions. though i find myself stumbling through how to work everything out, i know in my heart that all i have to do is seek out the gentle hand of God to lead me.

i work hard and try and get my jumbled thoughts into words for you all but i know i may not be too great at it sometimes. i’m trying; thanks for sticking with me. (:

my sister Ashley [who just graduated from the university of Kansas in the top 10% of her class] will be coming here in just about 3 weeks. it’s soon and i am excited! many things will be changing in the next month…mainly people coming and going…but all in all, i think it’ll be a fun adventure. but what else could i really expect?

…life is an adventure in and of itself.

may love lead you all.

happy mothers day.

2008-05-11T06:02:00.003-05:00

this blog is dedicated to my dear mom. on this day where it’s all about the mothers in our lives, whether biological or not, i want everyone to know how great i think she is.

thank you for everything you have done for me and everything you will do for me. i know that i have not been home with you for mothers day for the past two years and i am sorry for that but thank you for understanding why.

thank you for seeing the value of both my life and the lives of others. thank you for believing in me when i may not even believe in myself. thank you for constantly showering me with prayers. thank you for providing for me both physically and emotionally since the day i was born.

thank you for being an example and for being strong in the Lord even when you feel weak. thank you for showing me what beauty has the ability to look like. thank you for encouraging me to obey the Lord, even if it means leaving home countless times to love and follow Him in distant lands.

i don’t express it near enough but i am grateful for you.
i know that i will always have not only a mother in you but a friend.
i love you!

another blog coming soon…

you are not alone.

2008-04-30T03:44:00.004-05:00

as i sit here in my bed, without the company of kathryn, i find myself with so many thoughts that i’m not sure how i’ll actually get them out into words in this blog…but for you all, my faithful bloggers, i will do my best to convey what has been going on lately in this mind.

again and again i find myself at ease with the life i am living. though i am far from the circle of people i love from the States [and trust me, the distance can, at times, seem like too much] i am reminded of how pure and how stunningly holy it is that i am here. difficulties and frustrations are present but as i’m sure much of the rest of the world can agree, wherever you travel, wherever you decide to live and plant yourself, life is never perfect. his love is perfect though and i have to remind my heart of this all the dang time.

things with suubi are going so well. we continue to visit the women at their homes and at the English and literacy classes. we all love getting to know them. at times my mind tricks me into thinking a normal emotion to feel when being out there with the women and hearing about their lives would be ‘sympathy’ but i am quick to remind myself that they don’t need or necessarily want sympathy. i think that for me, personally, a better word to describe what i feel when i see them and visit the and talk with them would be desire. i desire to know them more. i desire to know their families. i desire to know their entire story. i desire to have their story be known by all [because they would surely change others]. i desire for their stories to be known so that help may be given. not a help that comes from simply feeling ‘sorry’ for them but a help that comes deep within a heart. the kind of help that comes not out of guilt but the help that understands that they too are people with needs. real needs that perhaps i, or maybe someone i know, may be able to meet. feeling sorry for them does no good because chances are, they have a better grasp of what joy is than we in our American ‘comfort’ do.

i’m learning that though it’s easy to group or categorize those who are practically forced to live in poverty into specific roles or emotions, that is not our place, nor are those roles/emotions typically accurate. i’ve talked to so many Americans who believe that a person is living in poverty because they choose it…or because they are lazy…or because they aren’t good enough and it’s astonishing because these assumptions are usually so far from the truth of the matter. though i can’t speak for all, i’ve found that here in Uganda it’s generally a cycle. a cycle that started way before you were born or even thought of. it’s a cycle that your great-grandparents went through and it’s a cycle that you will have to go through.

all of that said, all i really want to convey is how hard so many people here work. they work day [and maybe night] for their families and for each other. they continue to labor so that they may help those around them. they may be sick or they may be injured or they be quite old, but they work. they work so that their children and grandchildren might have a brighter future than maybe they had themselves.

just yesterday morning Courtney, Rachel [other suubi volunteers] and i were talking with norahs [a suubi lady] grandson and he was explaining that though he’s graduated from a university here, it’s still hard to find work right away. but he went on to explain a little bit of his heart…he explained that though the current situation is hard, he knows that one day his work will pay off. he knows that if he continues to push through this time, his efforts will one day pay off for him and his family. he expressed how it bothers him that his grandmother has to work so hard at such an age. he expressed how he wants to change things. i admire him for this and i thank God for stories like these because i know that this young man of 23 is not alone. his story is so similar to others. they work hard because they desire more. like i’ve said before, they have hope. they know they are not alone. they know that the One who really knows their deepest needs hasn’t abandoned them.

* * *

i’ve been blessed with the continued involvement with the childrens home not far from jinja. though they do not have much, they are all happy. it’s nice because now that the children are getting used to having white people around every once in a while and they are, “slowly by slowly” opening up and we’re beginning to see fun little personalities come out of them!

a quick but BIG thank to you to brad and carrie ficke for contributing funds towards this home. your donation is being used to buy food for the children and they are so happy to receive it!!

i’ve posted a couple of pictures from my recent time there and if you wish to see more, there is a link to my facebook album further down this page.

if anyone reading this wishes to contribute to this home where close to 70 beautiful children reside, contact me. we can figure something out and if you want, you can choose how your money is spent on the children. it could be fun! let me know (:

* * *

like i mentioned in the first paragraph, Kathryn, my dear friend and travel companion for the first two months of my time here, left for the States monday morning. although it was incredibly hard to see her go [emphasis on the incredibly hard] i know and i trust that her going back to Washington was in the perfect timing that only the Lord knows and completely understands. it’s a strange feeling not to being sharing a room, a bathroom, a bed and most importantly my days with her but i know that i’ll be okay. i won’t stop missing her and loving her but i’ll be okay…His mercies are new each morning.

i have other friends here that i am excited to get to know better and i now only have about 5½ weeks until my sister comes for a month long visit!

i know my days will be filled with the women of suubi, the children of the home and the presence of friends and i am so looking forward to the twists and turns that are coming up in life. no matter what happens, i am praying that my heart remains open to whatever it is that He has in store and that i would, in all circumstances, acknowledge the good and have hope in something bigger than myself or the world in which we live.

i appreciate your prayers and your fun words of encouragement. a couple of weeks ago a shirt was given to me and on it, it says ‘i’m not forgotten’. i thank you all back in the States for assuring me that i am not forgotten. keep me updated on your lives because i am sure that they are full of things that i would enjoy hearing and learning from. you all are the best.

time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking

2008-04-20T04:50:00.003-05:00

and here is the updated that i have unfortunately had such a hard time putting together for you all.
speaking of 'you all'...i don't know who exactly that is!
let me know if you're reading this! (: (:

i haven't exactly 'proofed' this blog...sorry in advance for the mistakes!

* * * *

i’ve recently taken on a job with the non-profit, light gives heat [lightgivesheat.org] specifically with their suubi project [suubiafrica.org] and so far, so good. it's primarily a project with the purpose of providing the women in Walukuba, Uganda with a steady income through the buying of necklaces in Uganda and then selling them in the States. but really, with suubi, it goes much further than ‘the business’. suubi is, at the heart of it all, a relationship. a relationship with the women in these communities, a relationship with the volunteers in Uganda and a relationship with those who hear their story in America. it’s a project that comes full circle…a project that desires not only to assist in bettering the lives of the Ugandan women and their families but they desire a change in the hearts of the Americans who hear their story.

every human, man or women, adult or child, rich or poor, has a beautiful story that deserves to be told and suubi understands this and wants the stories of these women to be know. i am positive that as i continue to get to know the women and learn their stories, my heart and life will be transformed. i am so excited to know the hearts of these women.

i’ve had many thoughts lately and here is a quote that i think helps put thoughts into words. it’s a long quote but stick with me…

“The truth is that we, in our hyperprosperity, may be able to live without meaning, faith or purpose, filling our threescore years and ten with a variety of entertainments—but most of the world cannot. If economics is implicated in the conflict, it is mostly in an ironic sense: only an abundance of riches such as no previous generation has known could possibly console us for the emptiness of our lives, the absence of stable families and relationships, and the lack of any overarching purpose…. Normal people {that is, the rest of the world}, however, cannot exist without real meaning, without religion anchored in something deeper than existentialism and bland niceness, without a culture rooted deep in the soil of the place where they live.”

-excerpt from the book ‘why the rest hates the west’

these words are dripping with truth. whether or not we’d like to admit it, they hold significant amounts of truth…they are indeed a reality. these words challenge my heart in the way i think…the way i live…the way i interact.

when the quote talks of how ‘the rest of the world’ cannot exist without real meaning, i see that in the lives of so many here in uganda. in the midst of tragedy, poverty and truly unthinkable circumstances, there lies a mysterious presence of hope, love, joy and provision. it’s one of the most wonderful sights i’ve ever seen in my life. more than almost any other time in my life, i see the people around me refusing to believe that this is all there is. they, more than i believe i have ever done, are seeing the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ and believing that it’s true. believing that it’s good. believing that it’s pure.

[inspired by a song sara groves sings]

the courage that these women have makes me ask myself what i’m afraid of.

“do not be afraid little flock for it has pleased your Father to give you the kingdom.”

luke 12

i’m not sure about you, but if a Holy God is promising a kingdom, that shouldn’t leave much room for my little heart to worry. especially considering that when this Holy God that i am in love with says ‘kingdom’, he is not just talking about an earthly, material kingdom but a kingdom that extends much further than our minds can conceive. a kingdom that meets every need, every true desire, every hardship with a smile and a True Solution.

as i am here learning, loving and living in uganda, africa, i am desiring to see the kingdom of God come in a little closer to not just my heart but to all of those around me. i am working towards a more true love towards all. i am trusting that the sacrifice of Jesus was, is and will always be enough for me and every human i see. i am learning that i don’t have all the answers. i am hoping that with lovesick glance i receive from Him, my heart will fall deeper in love with the One who created me.

i will continue to keep you all updated on the organization that i talked about in my previous blog...exciting things are happening, truly.

thanks for being with me on this pursuit of something larger than myself.

without any hesitation, i would absolute love to hear how your lives are.

it’s getting to that time in my stay here that comments/emails/messages from those i love in states are getting few and far between. please friends and family…i truly wish to know how you are! leave a comment…send an email…my heart rejoices in your lives.

geez. i'm bad at this.

2008-04-15T04:06:00.001-05:00

sorry.
i haven't updated in 10 years.
i'm horrible.

in the next few days, i hope to write you all an update.
you deserve it.

until then, know i am doing well.
God is good and He's making His ways known.

love you.

read it and weep, kids.

2008-03-31T05:35:00.008-05:00

-----

i apologize for the length of this blog...
i've been horrible about updating.
the longer i wait, the longer the blog
-----

let me get this out of my system and then we'll move on..

there have been many moments of frustration in the past week.

i’m seeing/recognizing that we all walk a very fine, very dangerous line when we start treating those around us with a complete lack of respect, dignity and especially love. also, i’m not sure which is worse…to treat people like that or to be on the receiving end of it. in my heart of hearts i just don’t know what to do or say anymore

i’m praying for continued patience in all areas of my life. when the situations that are going on in my life are present, it feels like an uphill climb to remain patient and to love without hesitation. i read yesterday about how God changes our character with the passion of His love. it has become my prayer that, that would happen not only in my heart but your heart and the heart of others as well. that the love of God would go before us…that the LOVE of God would surround us all in ways that we can’t even imagine.

now moving on.

“…having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. for those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own…but as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one.” Hebrews 11:14,16

what a fallen world we live in.
what a blessing it is that this earth isn’t our home.

as a people of faith, we need to be living in the reality that what we see around us [the earth] isn’t our true home. i’ve found that there is a deep longing in our heart for more. more love. more truth. more hope. more faith. more of the Holy One. when heaven holds our hearts, we gain a more eternal perspective. and an eternal perspective is crucial as a follower of Christ.

as i look into the faces of the children, women and men, i am reminded that i am looking at a reflection of Christ. each and every one of us was created in the image of God. the amount of respect, dignity, reverence and love we need to be giving to each human is immeasurable.

because lets face it, folks…
we all love ourselves enough…
it’s about time that we start loving others in the same manner.

moving on [again]

the 4 of us [josh, kathryn, ian and i] have begun a relationship with a newly established organization and it has been nothing but a huge blessing. it’s a children home that includes a school that is nursery school through P2. there are approximately 70 children and they arrrrre wonderful. there is also a widows program and i just can’t explain it all but it’s a blessing beyond compare. they are so incredibly gracious and welcoming and loving and accepting. we visited last Tuesday and decided to go back Sunday afternoon with clothes and some food.

it was such a JOY to be able to hand out shirts and dresses to the children. [i’ve posted three pictures here on my blog but i’ve posted many more on my facebook account. there is a link at the end of this blog]. some of the children came to us as scared as can be of the ‘white people’ while other children ran over to us with a huge smile on their face and skip in their feet as they went away. after they received their clothes, Kathryn was there handing out little pieces of candy for them…they loved loved loved it all!

although we weren’t able to get them a huge amount of food, we stopped off and got 13kg of rice and 16kg of beans before we got there. because there are so many of them, it will probably only last them 4 or 5 meals but at least a few meals will be a little more nutritious than they are accustomed to!

very quickly, i want to say thank you to my DAD!
because most of this would not have been possible without him!
i love you!

we will be going back to this place in the next few days. we are going to be getting allllllll the kids at least one round of deworming pills. hopefully their big ol’ stomachs will start to shrink (: i’m also praying about the possibility of getting these children tested not only for malaria but HIV/AIDS. given that they live in a village and poverty is overwhelming, it’s almost guaranteed that none of them have been tested for HIV. i’m not sure how all of this testing will happen though because i know of no medical personnel here in Uganda that would be able to get out to this village and who would be able to perform the needed tests. it would require getting these children into town and into a clinic to be tested. between transportation costs and medical costs, we just don’t have the funds to do this yet.

if you’d like to help out, that’d be more than amaaaazing!
you have no idea how far $10 can go here…no idea!
if you’d like to contribute to this specific need,
please please please let me know!
because the sooner, the better for these children.

so i was thinking about it and i decided that...
i’m pretty sure that 6 months from now, i’ll still be riding down the road on a piki and i’ll still be looking around thinking to myself ‘geez, this is really my life’ and i'll still be thanking God for LIFE!

i can’t count the number of times i tell God ‘thanks’ in one days time.
i don’t deserve any of this…not one bit.
but praise God for he doesn’t look at what we deserve.
his grace is enough and his love endures.

thanks for the encouragement.
it’s good to know i’m not alone…
you all are truly wonderful.

pictures are none.
the internet is not working in my favor today.
sorry folks :(
maybe tomorrow!

edit:
pictures have arrived on my facebook!
here is the link (:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2174485&l=133ee&id=17022221
enjoy!!

long time coming.

2008-03-19T03:37:00.003-05:00

i wrote this approximately 5 days ago.
its just now getting up here - sorry

-----

“home is where the heart is”

we’ve all heard the saying. we’ve all probably rolled our eyes at how completely cliché it sounds. but whether you think it’s ridiculous or not, it’s my prayer that one day you will experience it.

I know now more than ever that heaven is our eternal home and nothing on this earth has ever, will ever or can ever take that away from us as believers in Christ but what a joy it is to be where your heart is…to be where the Lord has led you. for me, whether I am riding down the road on the back of a piki looking at the sun reflect off of the River Nile or holding a child because they fell down the steps or walking by a group of school children who are dancing around in circles in their underwear…my heart is absolutely soaring. i cannot imagine a more pleasing spot for me to be.

being here of course has it’s frustrations but recently it’s just made me laugh because almost every single one of the frustrations doesn’t come from the people of Uganda or the ‘typical’ African situations most seem to get frustrated with. i’m recognizing more than ever how vitally important attitude is and how crucial the need for love is. in all situations. in all circumstances. in all relationships. in all of our weeks, days, hours and minutes. in thinking about these situations and how the presence of Christ’s love is often lacking, i’m just reminded of the verse that talks about how the love of Christ controls us. i am but a human and so my life is a far cry from speaking and living this truth out 100% of my days, but God is moving. i believe that even in recognizing my shortcomings, the glory of God is being revealed. not for my sake or your sake but His alone.

i’ve also learned in the recent weeks [in a new way] that if we say we are serving others in the name of Christ, our actions sure as heck better be showing that. i am my own person and though the strength of God is with me and is strong, dealing with the problems that other ‘Christians’ have left behind is hard. in all of the frustrations of the day, whether big or small, i am attempting to weave grace in and out of all that i do. if you desire to pray for me, i would ask that you would join me in this prayer: that the grace of God that i’ve come to know is good enough and deep enough for me would be extended to all of those around me without hesitation.

my time at Amani Baby Cottage isn’t exactly full time anymore but i’m okay with that. i still plan on spending as many afternoons as possible there loving on, caring for and serving the children. little josie is doing good. i am praying for continued strides towards better health and further physical and mental development. she has so much potential, she just needs to be worked with on a one on one basis on a regular basis. when she’s not being ridiculously stubborn, you can find her ‘crawling’ around towards whatever has grabber her attention. she loves bath time and she [usually] loves to be tossed into the air. though she is not legally ‘mine’, i consider her as nothing but a gift in my life. may the Lords way and will be done in our lives (: (:

if you couldn’t already tell, i’m absolutely loving my time here. there are up days and there are down days but so goes life, right? i’ve found myself saying it over and over, again and again but i just can’t believe this life is mine. this life that i am living is a gift from God and i am doing my best to protect and treasure it.

i know that i probably don’t make a whole lot of sense at times but thank you for taking the time to read all of my ramblings. thanks for reassuring me that i’m not alone in what i do and what i desire. as i write this, i am praying that whoever you and wherever you come from, the complete joy and indescribable goodness of the Lords would be yours.

feel free to comment or email me or whaaatver you’d like to do.
i would love to hear from you.
let me know how i can be praying for you.

our God is big.
julie

--------

a few more pictures:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=35582647&l=77274&id=17022221

in addition to that blog, i would ask for prayers.
much has been brought to my attention.
the Lords direction needs to be directing my steps.
i am praying. the burden is heavy. the Lord makes it light.
more on all of this mumbo jumbo later.

2008-03-17T03:26:00.002-05:00

sorry for the lack of 'blogging' folks.

i have had one written on my computer for over 2 days now but i haven't been able to get my laptop hooked up to the internet since then. hopefully in the next 2 days i'll be able to put it up so you all can read!

until then, know i am safe. i am sound. and i am in love with this place.
pray for direction.
i want to be able to meet the needs i see in a Holy, responsible way.

Eight days down, 300+ to go?

2008-03-07T03:15:00.003-06:00

Though my days here are still in the single digits, I feel as though weeks and weeks have passed since I landed last Wednesday. The days are filled with kids and walking and laughing and conversations and lots and lots of love. Each morning that I wake up and feel the cool breeze on my skin, I’m reminded again and again in a very gentle way that it is GOOD that I am here. Not just good because I like it here but good because God desires it in my life. I am doing my best to live that out in my every day actions and lets just say that I’m finding it it’s quite easy to do when all I see are beautiful faces and beautiful land.

I’ve been spending the majority of my time at Amani Baby Cottage, the same place I was at for 5 months last year. It’s been such a blessing to have a place to go and just love kids. After trying to process a lot of things I think that I decided that even though 100% of my time will not be spent at Amani during my time here, it will always hold a special place in my heart. It’s the first place I came in Uganda and it’s the place that God used to show me so much about love. So even though things may pick up in the next few weeks with various other things, Amani will be my ‘home base’ and I’ll be visiting quite often.

In the next couple of days I will be meeting with 2 girls to talk about organizing/planning/teaching an English classes for the women in the Suubi project. [For the sake of time, I’d invite you to visit the website [suubiafrica.org] to learn more about Suubi.] We will be brainstorming and attempting to come up with creative ideas to teach these women the English language. As time progresses, there are hopes of also starting a Lugandan [a language here] language class for the international Suubi volunteers. I think we’ll be taking things one step at a time though (:. With Suubi allowing us as volunteers to have some freedom in what we want to do and what we think should be done will be a lot of fun I think. I’m really excited to be working with such a neat and creative organization.

Even after having delayed flights, cancelled flights, a serious lack of sleep and getting to Uganda later than I was supposed to…God was faithful and took care of me.
Even after having some problems with my phone when all I wanted to do what communicate with people back home…God was faithful and took care of me.
Even after accidentally taking medicine I’m allergic to, following that with many anti-histamines, my throat closing up and my breathing getting quite shallow…God was SO faithful and took GOOD care of me.

There is so much ahead of me…I can barely wait to see what happens…to see how the Lord is going to choose to work in my life. I know that whatever it is, it’ll be good. Although I am excited for the future, rest assured that I am definitely loving life NOW. Walking through town, reading a book to kids, holding my dear little Josephine [she’s the one pictured below], laughing with my friends, reading the Word of God and finding comfort, peace, assurance and joy, making silly faces with the 6 girls that live in the house I’m staying with…..it’s all my life and all I can do is love every minute of it.

I’m incredibly thankful that I’m not left alone to live this life. Not only do I have the constant presence of the Lord, I have the constant encouragement of my family and friends and random people who I meet along the way.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, whether you found this blog randomly or on purpose…thanks for joining me on this journey. I’ll do my best to keep you all updated. Feel free to comment or email or…do whatever.

Love.
Love.
Love.
Always.

here is a link to more pictures:
http://ksu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2174485&l=51e86&id=17022221

the digits are single.

2008-02-17T13:46:00.006-06:00

one week from now, i will have left my home.

i'll be spending one day in ks city with my family before i take off and leave the country.

i've seen this day coming for quite sometime now but i have to admit, i'm not sure how i'm handling it. even in the tears and in the hurt of leaving my friends and family, i can sense the closeness of the Lord; He is closer than my skin. when i am alone and tears are streaming down my face and i'm dreading saying good-bye, there is a peace in the innermost part of my heart - I am not alone.

i have so much to look forward to. God is calling me back to a land where beauty encompasses even what our eyes make out to be the most horrendous situations.

in going to uganda last year i think i learned more than ever that Beauty does not hold itself back. just because our eyes see pain and brokeness and incompleteness and conflict, that does not mean that there is an absence of peace and love and BEAUTY. by no means. i'm understanding this more in every passing day.

i've never felt so bi-polar in my entire life. and i don't say that to sound dramatic or animated but it's the honest truth. i feel up and down all the time. i'm not sure if i've ever been so thankful that the Lord is CONSTANT. when i'm in tears because i have to say good-bye; He's the same. when i'm elated at the thought of being with my african friends, jospephine and beautiful ugandan women; He's the same. yesterday, today and tomorrow His love never changes and neither do His plans. His plans for me were the same yesterday, today and will be tomorrow. i'm thankful that my heart hasn't lost sight of this.

it's funny how even when our plans seem so 'set', so 'definite', outside situations can completely mix things up. a week ago, i thought i knew exactly what i was doing. a couple of days ago, i was in such a place of uncertainty yet somehow, my heart remained at peace. a calmness was all around me. today, God has brought to the surface some new opportunities for me. there is still a hint of uncertainty [which is to be assumed since it's africa and things can change in an instant] but overall, i think that there are some wonderful chances for me to love and serve both women and children while i'm over there.

and let me just talk about the phrase 'while i'm over there' because hah, i don't really know exactly what that will look like. i have no idea when i'll be back in the States. the pursuit of adopting josie and what volunteer position i take on while i'm there makes it all so uncertain. i could be there for 8 months or i could be there for a much longer amount of time. i've never been so 'okay' with so much 'unknown'. i love that even when i can't see what's ahead, God knows it and He's taking me down this beautiful path of great things. i'm sure He's just bursting at the seams waiting to let me in on His plans. oh Lord, i can't wait to know. in His time...in His time.

i've received an outpouring of support through both encouraging words and financial contributions. within 5 days, i received $600, mostly from young people....from students....praise God. even though i have never had a set amount of money to be 'raised', i'm praying that God would continue to provide in the financial area. i have supported myself more than i ever thought possible and i am thankful for that but am now left at the provision of God. i can't think of a better place to be. He's the only one that can TRULY provide anyways. if you or anyone you know would like to help out financially and have a paypal account, you are able to send money to my email address: julie.durkee@gmail.com and the money will go straight into my account. if you do not have paypal but would still like to give now or even months from now, you can send checks or cash to my home. if that interests you, let me know and i'll give you the address.

may i please express how thrilled i am that i get to hold my little josie in about a week?
i can't believe it's so soon. it's been 8 months.
how great it will be to have her in my arms again.
what a precious little girl.
i'm continuing to pray for the adoption details.

there are so many more things to be said.

but i can't find the words to say them.

....i just need to make it through these next 6 days

5, 4, 3, 2...

2008-01-25T11:43:00.000-06:00

and still, the day draws closer.
february 25th seems like it's years away.
and yet, i know it'll come at me quicker than i know.

i'm pretty much done working and that means i'm left with just over 4 weeks to 'prepare' to leave. i still haven't quite figured out how to prepare to leave for an unknown amount of time but uh, i'm working on it. i really want to dig deep in these next weeks. dig deep into the heart of God, into the lives of my family and friends and the world around me. i could see manhattan again in 8 months or i could see manhattan again in 18 months...

i'm so lost as to how my 'financial' situation is going to work out. however, don't be fooled because right now, lost and worried are not the same thing. looking at the big picture, my little mind doesn't know how it'll be pulled together. my family isn't able to give large amounts, i don't have a bulging bank account, i won't be around to do fundraisers, i am apart of a community of believers but i am not apart of an actual 'church'. all of that being said, i cling to the PROMISE that the God who has called me to this journey, will not desert me along the way. the God of Jacob, the God of Abraham, the God of Rebecca, of Moses, of Noah, of Paul, of David, of you and of me will not leave me nor forsake me.

"TRUST in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." proverbs 3.5-6

like i said earlier, my little mind can't figure out how this will all play out but it's truths like this that remind that i don't need to figure it out or even care about figuring it out. He's got the whole world in His hands and last I checked, I'm on earth right now (:

---

"go into the unknown and i will light the way and lead you
i will do the rest if you will go and leave all that you know
take a leap of faith, believe that i will do the rest if you will go"

i am fascinated by light. always have been, probably always will be.
simple sentences like the one above speak profound things into my heart.

there is this whole theme of 'unknown' in my life right now.
when i leave my family on feb. 25th, how long until i see them next - unknown.
will the adoption of josephine ever be possible - unknown
am i ever supposed to come back to the states to live - unknown
how in the world will God provide finances - unknown
etc. etc. etc.

there are some pretty big things on my heart right now if you can't tell.
i can't express how THANKFUL i am that i'm not alone to face them/handle them.
God is closer than my skin.
His Word speaks truth.
My friends and family speak truth.

i say my first hard goodbye on tuesday night.
i won't see her for who knows how long.
i honestly don't like to think about it.
["leave all that you know...i will lead you"]
God is in this. all of this.
the pain, struggle, confusion.
worth it. it's all worth it though.

i've had many conversations in the recent weeks about how the deeper we get, the more holiness we pursue, the harder the battle becomes. that's never been truer in my life than it is now. i'm thankful for this battle because it's just another way of the Lord receiving the glory - winning the battle. victory is His. always has been, always will be.

"If we do not abide in prayer, we will abide in temptation." - john owen
i'm learning, i'm learning, i'm learning.

His mercy is new.

that's enough for today.

seek peace and pursue it - psalm 34.14

somewhere a clock is ticking

2008-01-20T11:40:00.000-06:00

my first journey to uganda began exactly one year ago today.
only 5 more weeks until i leave again for africa.

i haven't decided if i'll send email updates
or
if i'll just post every once in a while on here

i'll let everyone know as sooon as i do
(: