show the difference.

as i driving down a side street this afternoon, something on the left caught my eye.
it was a piece of graffiti.
pale blue wall…red letters.

what was written was this:

“they love Africa but not Africans”

when i read this, something inside of my heart broke. this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. i don’t know the individuals who wrote this or which persons behaved in such a way that would make them think this but all i know is that it was difficult to read.

it breaks my heart that someone was treated in such a way that they felt unloved. it upsets me that someone [most likely a Westerner] treated this person with such little worth. it disturbs me that there are many people who come and go in this place that treat those around them without the respect they deserve.

and in addition…isn’t this completely backwards from the way it should be?
aren’t we [especially as believers] to love people and not locations?

aren’t people the ones with souls that extend into eternity…aren’t they the ones Christ died for? and aren’t locations the places that God is able to wipe out with a single thought…aren’t they places that will be destroyed without hesitation one day?

though it know it’s near impossible to do, all i want to do is find this person and tell them that however they were treated was wrong…it was a lie. i want them to know their worth. i wish i could show them that there is another way to go about life…one that doesn’t include feeling worthless, feeling disrespected and feeling unloved.

by no means are any of us the perfect example of how to treat a person [we are all human…] but somehow we can’t let our flaws get in the way of the pursuit of others. to pursue them and to somehow, whether through words or actions, show them that they are worth everything. that they are our worth our love, they are worth our time and by all means, let them know that Jesus found them worthy enough to die for.

…

as i continue to spend time with these ladies, i find that my heart is becoming more and more involved and attached. as i continue to see their struggles, i continue to be transformed.

i think the thing that is drastically different about needs here than in comparison to most needs in the States is that here, they are actually needs. in the States, i believe that we confused the terms need and want.

you don’t need a new bike, you want one.
you don’t need to go out to dinner, you want to.
you don’t need to upgrade your phone, you want to.
you don’t need a new shirt every week, you want one.

so as we go about our day and we are faced with decisions, big or small, i hope and pray that we can call [myself included] chose to make the right decision, not the easy or comfortable decision. may we learn more what it means to deny ourselves and indulge in Him. may we have the eyes to distinguish between need and want.

may we never forget that even our small choices may make the world of a difference to someone on the other side of the world…

“All around you people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip or dance, just don’t tiptoe.”

i pray that this week we would all learn a little bit more of what it means to be free from the slavery of our wants and to be truly alive.

lets take some risks.
lets be courageous.
lets remind ourselves that our hearts are still beating.

new things are happening.

lately it seems like every where i look, something new is happening. it’s overwhelming at times but it’s so good. new things bring about change and change is good…it allows us to see new things, experience new things and learn new things.

rachel [one of the suubi volunteers] left to go back to the States last week. it was sad to see her go and though i know she is going to miss all of the wonderful suubi women, i also know how excited she was to see her husband. after three months away from the man you love, i bet she was ready to see him! (:

apart from myself, renee is the only other suubi affiliated person here and even she leaves in a week! not having renee here will be a little sad/hard and so completely different than what we’re all used to but i know that her going back to the States is all in the plan. she’s been here for over 9 months so it’s crazy she’s leaving but i’m sure she’ll be back here in Africa before she knows it!!

although Rachel is gone and renee will soon be going, i think i’ll be okay. as most of you know, my sister comes here on wednesday night and will stay for a month. it’ll be good to have her here for a bit. i’m hoping she has a good time getting to know the Uganda that i fell in love with long ago.

suubi is going to be all over the States this summer at various places spreading the word about what we’re about and also sharing the stories of the women with everyone they see. i know it’s close to impossible but part of me would really love to be able to be back in the States for a week in July to be at one of the festivals suubi will be at. it’s not that i am doubting dave will do a good job (: but i think it’d be so much more than fun to spend a few days on the American side of things…sharing the incredible stories from here in Uganda with all the people i’d meet.

in other suubi news, a couple of new and exciting things are in the works. i don’t know how much information i’m “allowed” to let you all in on but just trust that it’s good stuff. because of the support everyone in America has given towards these women, suubi is having the opportunity to grow. keep your ears open and your eyes peeled!

i guess another big piece of news is that i’m moving houses. there are many reasons why this move is the best decision for me but the most urgent is that when renee leaves next week, the suubi house will be completely empty. i don’t think anyone involved with suubi [including myself] would feel comfortable with that house being empty for an extended amount of time. leaving the girls i’ve been living with for almost 4 months will make moving away from this house difficult but i’m incredibly thankful that it’s only a 10-15 minute move. the girls already spend Sunday afternoons at the suubi house but in addition to that, i’ll be able to come back here a couple of afternoon/evenings a week to see them. not seeing them isn’t an option to me. they are great and i love them so much!

so that’s life on the outside.

on the inside i’d say that i’m seeing that in order to stay sane and to not get myself stressed out, there are things in my life that i’m having to ‘give up’ [at least for the time being]. these things that i want or desire are not bad or even necessarily unhealthy, it’s just that i’m finding and learning that in surrendering things to the greater purpose of the Lord is more beneficial than anything else i could do with them.

i’m learning a lot about really enjoying the place i’m at. not seeking to always know what’s ahead…not always demanding to know the next step. with the help and mercy of the Lord, i’m attempting to tame my wandering mind that always seems to make a beeline for the future. it’s only because of His grace that i’m alive. all i have is today and tomorrow is not promised to me. therefore i’m living in the light He’s given me today.

thank you to everyone who is reading this. your thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement continue to serve me in tremendous ways.

all roads lead to the place we are.

the past two days i was blessed with the opportunity to attend a Passion conference here in Uganda. they are visiting 17 cities all around the world this year and it just so happened that Kampala [the capital of Uganda] was one of their stops. i don’t have words to describe how incredibly encouraging it was to my heart. it was more than just a conference, more than just a weekend.

from the days when God literally saved me from myself [saved me from my own physical death] to the days in panama when i acknowledged that Jesus was above me and made a genuine commitment in my heart that I would always say yes to His leading, God was writing a story.

when God lead me to northern Thailand my beliefs and thoughts and views began to take shape. i was figuring out what it was that God was wanting my heart to know so that i could live out my life in His name. in those days, jumbled thoughts became clear ideas.

when i went to college for the first semester and felt horrible uncomfortable, God was writing a story. the crucial wake up call He gave me after the death of a friend and the prompting to move back home after one semester of college was vital in where i’m at now.

when i got involved with invisible children and organized the Global Night Commute in Topeka, Kansas i had no idea how my heart would be transformed and how God would use that transformation to bring me to knew places. as my heart grew in love for the people of Uganda, i knew i couldn’t stay in America, i had to go there. so i worked and i planned and i came. for five months in 2007, i spent time in Uganda loving and care for little children.

shaken to the core by what i saw and experienced in those months and after a few months of confusion by being back in America, my heart responded by saying yes to going back. in those days of decision making, there was so much uncertainty that i decided to just embrace it instead of stressing about. i booked a ticket and didn’t know my return date. i worked and prayed and loved being around friends and family and the day finally came that i left Kansas and headed back to Uganda.

the first month of living here was exactly what i thought it would be…a lot of unknown. i was okay with it. every day was a little different and i was trusting that the Lord would pull through because the Lord had never failed me. in time, a job was offered to me. after a little praying and thinking, i accepted the job.

and here i am. that is life up to now.

as i stood in the field last night surrounded by young Ugandan men and women watching the Watoto Childrens Choir sing a song about love on stage, it hit me a huge way that this is my home. and i grateful to God for making it that. only His grace and mercy and love has the power to make any place on earth a home and that God chose to place me here in this country for this time brought me to tears. i was absolutely floored by the reality of it all. i am not here on accident, i am not here as a visitor. as i thought about the glory of it all last night, a renewed love washed over me. a love for the Lord, a love for all people.

[[it was an extra special moment for me when we sang 'great is our God' because i realized how far God has brought me, physically. i have sang that song in American, Thailand, Uganda. God is global, there is no doubt about it.]]

i have no idea where i will be a year from now. i don’t even want to know. if tomorrow has enough worries of its own, how much more must next year?

i am here. this is my life. i love it but more importantly, i love the Lord. without Him, i wouldn’t be here, i wouldn’t be in Kansas, i wouldn’t be anywhere. i am longing to be with Jesus face to face in heaven but until that day when He calls me home i see once again the remarkable beauty of living on the earth to make Jesus famous.

“have the attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Phil. 2:58

the God we serve is the God who knows the names of the millions of stars in the sky. now that is more than amazing and has the power to knock me down onto my knees but i honestly don’t know which is more fascinating…

that He knows the names of each star

or

that He knows our names and hearts

think about it.

God is big and He is great but He’s not done yet.

lets praise Him for that.

“better happy and poor than rich and unhappy”

as i took in the conversation that was taking place in the ‘living room’ of a woman named Florence and her friend Grace, and i was struck by Grace’s words.

“better happy and poor than rich and unhappy”

i feel like this woman, who is one of the most gracious women i have ever met in my life, gets it. she gets what life is about and what life is not about. though she’s never been rich…she’s seen the rich and she’s seen their attitudes, she’s seen their lifestyles…she’s seen their choices. it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that just because you have ‘stuff’ doesn’t mean you’re satisfied or happy with it all.

these women are absolutely delightful and as i spend time with them, whether for a short or long time, i have gathered many things, one of them being this: they understand the things that matter most in life more than most Westerners will ever understand.

their homes are humble and wonderful.

their families are large and welcoming.

their unique personalities outweigh their present circumstances.

their hard work is something to be mirrored.

i have done a lot of observing lately and i continue to recognize that these bodies, these lives, are fleeting and more temporary than we are able to conceive. though problems and hard situations tempt us all into thinking that this is all there is, there is a voice that’s calling out much louder than those that tempt.

the voice is loud and the voice is full of power and strength. it’s proclaiming that we were made for more and that if we, through Jesus Christ, are able to persevere until we are in our eternal home in heaven, he will show us that it was all worth it. not to ‘prove himself’ right but to declare how good he is and that the earth was just a ‘stop’ on the endless journey.

* * *

i know i don’t need to explain this to everyone but i’m going to share it with you because it’s means a lot me. this life that i am living here in the States is no different than the life i live in the States. i say that to mean this: i am not on a ‘trip’ to Uganda. i am living in Uganda. feeling led by the Lord, i decided to move here. though i was born in America, it is not my home. as followers of the Lord i think we all need to, in big and small, ways learn what that really means. whether it’s following him to get a summer job at a bookstore or whether it’s following his lead to move to Africa for some time…it’s all following and it’s all vital. so just as some of you commend me for ‘braving it’ and coming here, i commend you for being in America if that is where you believe are to remain.

though i have mission, i am not on a missions trip. i hope that you all can understand that. you may feel called to live in the States, i feel called to live in Uganda. apart from a silly physical location, that does not put me in a different place than you. we are all heading in the same direction…we are all after the same thing and that’s a simple and pure pursuit of the heart of God.

* * *

as i was reading the book of James out loud to the girls tonight, i found myself reading words that could not ring truer in my life than now. it’s remarkable how God chooses to present to you what you need to hear. though convictions are not always an enjoyable time, i find myself grateful for them. change doesn’t really come about without conviction and because i’m convinced that God is not a static God, i embrace change…i embrace convictions. though i find myself stumbling through how to work everything out, i know in my heart that all i have to do is seek out the gentle hand of God to lead me.

i work hard and try and get my jumbled thoughts into words for you all but i know i may not be too great at it sometimes. i’m trying; thanks for sticking with me. (:

my sister Ashley [who just graduated from the university of Kansas in the top 10% of her class] will be coming here in just about 3 weeks. it’s soon and i am excited! many things will be changing in the next month…mainly people coming and going…but all in all, i think it’ll be a fun adventure. but what else could i really expect?

…life is an adventure in and of itself.

may love lead you all.

happy mothers day.

this blog is dedicated to my dear mom. on this day where it’s all about the mothers in our lives, whether biological or not, i want everyone to know how great i think she is.

thank you for everything you have done for me and everything you will do for me. i know that i have not been home with you for mothers day for the past two years and i am sorry for that but thank you for understanding why.

thank you for seeing the value of both my life and the lives of others. thank you for believing in me when i may not even believe in myself. thank you for constantly showering me with prayers. thank you for providing for me both physically and emotionally since the day i was born.

thank you for being an example and for being strong in the Lord even when you feel weak. thank you for showing me what beauty has the ability to look like. thank you for encouraging me to obey the Lord, even if it means leaving home countless times to love and follow Him in distant lands.

i don’t express it near enough but i am grateful for you.
i know that i will always have not only a mother in you but a friend.
i love you!

another blog coming soon…

you are not alone.

as i sit here in my bed, without the company of kathryn, i find myself with so many thoughts that i’m not sure how i’ll actually get them out into words in this blog…but for you all, my faithful bloggers, i will do my best to convey what has been going on lately in this mind.

again and again i find myself at ease with the life i am living. though i am far from the circle of people i love from the States [and trust me, the distance can, at times, seem like too much] i am reminded of how pure and how stunningly holy it is that i am here. difficulties and frustrations are present but as i’m sure much of the rest of the world can agree, wherever you travel, wherever you decide to live and plant yourself, life is never perfect. his love is perfect though and i have to remind my heart of this all the dang time.

things with suubi are going so well. we continue to visit the women at their homes and at the English and literacy classes. we all love getting to know them. at times my mind tricks me into thinking a normal emotion to feel when being out there with the women and hearing about their lives would be ‘sympathy’ but i am quick to remind myself that they don’t need or necessarily want sympathy. i think that for me, personally, a better word to describe what i feel when i see them and visit the and talk with them would be desire. i desire to know them more. i desire to know their families. i desire to know their entire story. i desire to have their story be known by all [because they would surely change others]. i desire for their stories to be known so that help may be given. not a help that comes from simply feeling ‘sorry’ for them but a help that comes deep within a heart. the kind of help that comes not out of guilt but the help that understands that they too are people with needs. real needs that perhaps i, or maybe someone i know, may be able to meet. feeling sorry for them does no good because chances are, they have a better grasp of what joy is than we in our American ‘comfort’ do.

i’m learning that though it’s easy to group or categorize those who are practically forced to live in poverty into specific roles or emotions, that is not our place, nor are those roles/emotions typically accurate. i’ve talked to so many Americans who believe that a person is living in poverty because they choose it…or because they are lazy…or because they aren’t good enough and it’s astonishing because these assumptions are usually so far from the truth of the matter. though i can’t speak for all, i’ve found that here in Uganda it’s generally a cycle. a cycle that started way before you were born or even thought of. it’s a cycle that your great-grandparents went through and it’s a cycle that you will have to go through.

all of that said, all i really want to convey is how hard so many people here work. they work day [and maybe night] for their families and for each other. they continue to labor so that they may help those around them. they may be sick or they may be injured or they be quite old, but they work. they work so that their children and grandchildren might have a brighter future than maybe they had themselves.

just yesterday morning Courtney, Rachel [other suubi volunteers] and i were talking with norahs [a suubi lady] grandson and he was explaining that though he’s graduated from a university here, it’s still hard to find work right away. but he went on to explain a little bit of his heart…he explained that though the current situation is hard, he knows that one day his work will pay off. he knows that if he continues to push through this time, his efforts will one day pay off for him and his family. he expressed how it bothers him that his grandmother has to work so hard at such an age. he expressed how he wants to change things. i admire him for this and i thank God for stories like these because i know that this young man of 23 is not alone. his story is so similar to others. they work hard because they desire more. like i’ve said before, they have hope. they know they are not alone. they know that the One who really knows their deepest needs hasn’t abandoned them.

* * *

i’ve been blessed with the continued involvement with the childrens home not far from jinja. though they do not have much, they are all happy. it’s nice because now that the children are getting used to having white people around every once in a while and they are, “slowly by slowly” opening up and we’re beginning to see fun little personalities come out of them!

a quick but BIG thank to you to brad and carrie ficke for contributing funds towards this home. your donation is being used to buy food for the children and they are so happy to receive it!!

i’ve posted a couple of pictures from my recent time there and if you wish to see more, there is a link to my facebook album further down this page.

if anyone reading this wishes to contribute to this home where close to 70 beautiful children reside, contact me. we can figure something out and if you want, you can choose how your money is spent on the children. it could be fun! let me know (:

* * *

like i mentioned in the first paragraph, Kathryn, my dear friend and travel companion for the first two months of my time here, left for the States monday morning. although it was incredibly hard to see her go [emphasis on the incredibly hard] i know and i trust that her going back to Washington was in the perfect timing that only the Lord knows and completely understands. it’s a strange feeling not to being sharing a room, a bathroom, a bed and most importantly my days with her but i know that i’ll be okay. i won’t stop missing her and loving her but i’ll be okay…His mercies are new each morning.

i have other friends here that i am excited to get to know better and i now only have about 5½ weeks until my sister comes for a month long visit!

i know my days will be filled with the women of suubi, the children of the home and the presence of friends and i am so looking forward to the twists and turns that are coming up in life. no matter what happens, i am praying that my heart remains open to whatever it is that He has in store and that i would, in all circumstances, acknowledge the good and have hope in something bigger than myself or the world in which we live.

i appreciate your prayers and your fun words of encouragement. a couple of weeks ago a shirt was given to me and on it, it says ‘i’m not forgotten’. i thank you all back in the States for assuring me that i am not forgotten. keep me updated on your lives because i am sure that they are full of things that i would enjoy hearing and learning from. you all are the best.

time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking

and here is the updated that i have unfortunately had such a hard time putting together for you all.
speaking of 'you all'...i don't know who exactly that is!
let me know if you're reading this! (: (:

i haven't exactly 'proofed' this blog...sorry in advance for the mistakes!

* * * *

i’ve recently taken on a job with the non-profit, light gives heat [lightgivesheat.org] specifically with their suubi project [suubiafrica.org] and so far, so good. it's primarily a project with the purpose of providing the women in Walukuba, Uganda with a steady income through the buying of necklaces in Uganda and then selling them in the States. but really, with suubi, it goes much further than ‘the business’. suubi is, at the heart of it all, a relationship. a relationship with the women in these communities, a relationship with the volunteers in Uganda and a relationship with those who hear their story in America. it’s a project that comes full circle…a project that desires not only to assist in bettering the lives of the Ugandan women and their families but they desire a change in the hearts of the Americans who hear their story.

every human, man or women, adult or child, rich or poor, has a beautiful story that deserves to be told and suubi understands this and wants the stories of these women to be know. i am positive that as i continue to get to know the women and learn their stories, my heart and life will be transformed. i am so excited to know the hearts of these women.

i’ve had many thoughts lately and here is a quote that i think helps put thoughts into words. it’s a long quote but stick with me…

“The truth is that we, in our hyperprosperity, may be able to live without meaning, faith or purpose, filling our threescore years and ten with a variety of entertainments—but most of the world cannot. If economics is implicated in the conflict, it is mostly in an ironic sense: only an abundance of riches such as no previous generation has known could possibly console us for the emptiness of our lives, the absence of stable families and relationships, and the lack of any overarching purpose…. Normal people {that is, the rest of the world}, however, cannot exist without real meaning, without religion anchored in something deeper than existentialism and bland niceness, without a culture rooted deep in the soil of the place where they live.”

-excerpt from the book ‘why the rest hates the west’

these words are dripping with truth. whether or not we’d like to admit it, they hold significant amounts of truth…they are indeed a reality. these words challenge my heart in the way i think…the way i live…the way i interact.

when the quote talks of how ‘the rest of the world’ cannot exist without real meaning, i see that in the lives of so many here in uganda. in the midst of tragedy, poverty and truly unthinkable circumstances, there lies a mysterious presence of hope, love, joy and provision. it’s one of the most wonderful sights i’ve ever seen in my life. more than almost any other time in my life, i see the people around me refusing to believe that this is all there is. they, more than i believe i have ever done, are seeing the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ and believing that it’s true. believing that it’s good. believing that it’s pure.

[inspired by a song sara groves sings]

the courage that these women have makes me ask myself what i’m afraid of.

“do not be afraid little flock for it has pleased your Father to give you the kingdom.”

luke 12

i’m not sure about you, but if a Holy God is promising a kingdom, that shouldn’t leave much room for my little heart to worry. especially considering that when this Holy God that i am in love with says ‘kingdom’, he is not just talking about an earthly, material kingdom but a kingdom that extends much further than our minds can conceive. a kingdom that meets every need, every true desire, every hardship with a smile and a True Solution.

as i am here learning, loving and living in uganda, africa, i am desiring to see the kingdom of God come in a little closer to not just my heart but to all of those around me. i am working towards a more true love towards all. i am trusting that the sacrifice of Jesus was, is and will always be enough for me and every human i see. i am learning that i don’t have all the answers. i am hoping that with lovesick glance i receive from Him, my heart will fall deeper in love with the One who created me.

i will continue to keep you all updated on the organization that i talked about in my previous blog...exciting things are happening, truly.

thanks for being with me on this pursuit of something larger than myself.

without any hesitation, i would absolute love to hear how your lives are.

it’s getting to that time in my stay here that comments/emails/messages from those i love in states are getting few and far between. please friends and family…i truly wish to know how you are! leave a comment…send an email…my heart rejoices in your lives.