you better thank God for that.

“it doesn’t cost a thing to smile.
you don’t have to pay to laugh.
you better thank God for that.
there’s hope.”
-india.arie

what a precious gift it is that the things the matter the most in life are free. family is free. friendships are free. smiling doesn’t cost a thing. laughing isn’t something that requires money.

i see in the lives of the suubi women a hope that’s alive. it’s the kind of hope that forces a person to rise above present circumstances and choose something better. all of these lessons that i’m learning from these women are renovating my heart. i’m learning about what strength can look like and unlike what we’re used to in the United States, i see very clearly any amount of money you have, whatever your social status may be or whatever “look” you may have does not dictate your strength.

there is a suubi woman named margrit and one of her daughters, agnes, had a baby in late july and named it Julie after me. the ladies insisted that i visited my ‘namesake’ and so on Friday morning john and i went to her home to see margrit and her family. as we sat on the floor of her home and talked with her and others, dennis, one of margrit’s sons scurried into the room. after some more conversation, we learn that margrit has 9 children and 4 of them are mentally handicapped. dennis is her youngest handicapped child and words can’t accurately describe how the love for her son seemed to flow out of margrit. as she sat on the floor with her hands clasped tightly around her son in hopes of limiting his energetic outbursts, i just looked at her with such respect and love and awe.

this woman is an incredible picture of what strength has the ability to look like. she has 9 children, 4 of them handicapped. suubi is her only work. her husband lost his job and now digs in the garden. her radiant smile is proof that she has chosen hope. her caring hands show that she understands love. her joyful attitude is evidence that she isn’t going to settle for sadness. i see her rising above a “ho hum” life and choosing hope. hope that infiltrates all areas of life.

i have a quote from shane Claiborne on the mirror in my bathroom that talks about how these gifts that we have and experience are too good to keep to ourselves. i know these blogs that i write are only words on a page but it’s my prayer that somehow they’d give you a glimpse of life here. that you would perhaps see a little bit more clearly that life isn’t all about you and me. it’s about those around us. it’s about giving your heart away. it’s about taking risks to serve others.

i have faith that if we allow the things that really matter in life to invade our lives, we will be different people. i’m definitely not an expert at living out these things but i think it’s worth pursuing…i’m working on it. i hope you’ll join me. i just don’t think God was joking around when he said life wasn’t about us.

yesterday, today and tomorrow.

everything about the Lord is steady. for him, today will be the same as yesterday and yesterday will be the same as tomorrow. that’s one of the beautiful things about the Eternal One. in many ways, i need to have integrity and be the same yesterday, today and tomorrow but i can’t escape this truth that i am ever-changing. with each day that passes, i am less and less the same. there are a lot of dead things in me. this needs to change. the Lord is constantly shedding light on the dark, dead things to bring a new sense of life to my entire being.

i’m learning that as i give more, i am gaining more.

God has given me the sweetest joy in knowing that this lesson is not something that i am doing; it’s all his doing. as i find myself convicted and as i find myself acting on those convictions, God is giving me a better understanding of what refinement is. it is in that raging holy fire that i am changing.

my hearts purpose has not and will not change. i’ve been placed here on this soil to make the kingdom of the living God known through the act of loving and serving others. God doesn’t want my eyes to just read the gospels, but to live The Gospel. as a child of God, i am to live a life of love and to imitate His character. He wants me to live acknowledging that His grace and mercy are enough.

the past days have been filled to the brim with fantastic conversations. these conversations have been thought provoking and encouraging and confusing. it was such a blessing to have had a friend from back “home” around…i had almost forgotten what it looks like to have a face to face conversation with someone who fully understands what you say when you say it.

there have been parts of the past two weeks that have been nothing but absolute chaos but when i sit back and think about how temporary it all is for me, i look inside, gain a new strength and find the courage to press on. my load is light in comparison to others. there have been so many faithful people in the world who have carried more than i could ever imagine. when i look at their load and i look at mine, i’m gently reminded that i really don’t have it that bad. things may be crazy and at times overwhelming and frustrating but at the end of the day…i always see the protection and provision of the Lord is big and small ways. i get what it means to rest in the Lord.

there are a few new suubi volunteers coming in a august and one of them is a guy! apart from dave [the official director], there haven’t been a whole bunch of guys join us here at suubi. yes, our work is primarily with women but it definitely extends to their families which usually includes males. and in most situations, you can find that men are able to bring something to the table that women aren’t able to and i think to have a guy or two around is going to be great!

i have been brainstorming some ideas of how to better serve the entire community of Walukuba and hopefully between my ideas and the brilliant ideas i’m sure the new volunteers will bring to the table, i think we’ll be able to start up some fun new things. i’ll be sure to keep you updated!

i still find myself walking down the road, turning to the person i’m with and exclaiming “geeeez, i love living here!” the path of my life will probably change in the upcoming years but for now i can’t even begin to explain how much i really enjoy where i’ve been placed and the work that’s been put before me.

wherever i’m at and whatever i’m doing, i know i’ll always be able to stand firm in the love that never fails and on the truth that is as steady as a rock. it’s my prayer that as the hands and feet of the invisible God, we would all grow in love and truth action, knowing we aren’t alone in anything we do.

i am thankful for each one of you.

may you be blessed today.

rachel, abram, john and eva.

“i did not come here to offer you clichés and i will not pretend to know of all your pain but just know that when you cannot, then i will hold out faith for you.”

these triplets had been in the hospital for over 2 ½ weeks when i visited them for the third time last Monday. i quickly saw that though eva was doing much better, john was still pretty sickly and abram was in a far worse condition than the other two. after looking at him for about a minute and seeing he had only gotten progressively worse over the past 2 ½ weeks and not progressively better, i had it decided in my head that if we didn’t do something and get him real medical attention, he would die in the next 24 hours.

after some drama with the nursing staff at the hospital, we got them transferred to an actual medical center down the road. the afternoon we got them there, they tried and tried to get blood from all three babies in hopes of running some tests on them. they successfully drew blood from only one of the babies. the level of dehydration in these little ones was astonishing, their veins were invisible. after being told that they would continue to try and get blood from little abram during the night, we left them there with their mother and father telling them we’d return to visit them all first thing in the morning.

8:30 the next morning we go to visit them and are told that they aren’t there. i ask where they went and the doctor proceeded to tell them that they transferred them back to the hospital they had came from because they couldn’t get the blood from abram. [all this translates into is that they were a bit lazy and didn’t want to or didn’t care to work hard enough on behalf of this little baby] after calmly explaining to the doctor that we had brought these babies to them because they weren’t getting the medical treatment they so desperately needed at the other place and that i was disappointed with the way their center handled the situation, we left very frustrated. not five minutes later, Rachel walks up from behind us. she said something really fast that i didn’t catch but the next words out of her mouth were ‘abram died’. i was floored and instantly said ‘what?!’, thinking that i heard wrong. she repeated herself and then said that they had refused treatment and had sent them back to the hospital in the night and that abram died a few hours later.

when she said this i was utterly at a loss of words. i’m pretty sure i didn’t get out anything but a couple ‘what’s’ and a few ‘i’m so sorry rachel’s’. my mind was going a million miles a minute.

i was incredibly sad that abram no longer had a beating heart. my heart ached because this family just lost a child, brother and grandson. i was exceedingly angry at the staff at the center that refused to treat abram. almost immediately i felt a little guilty and played the ‘what if’ game in my head. everything was so overwhelming in those moments.

as Rachel and her family went to the burial, my day didn’t slow down. i had things to pick up in walukuba. we were visiting a suubi woman at 10am. my sister who had been here a month was leaving that evening. everything seemed to spin but i knew that i couldn’t slow down yet.

after i was able to process some things on the night drive home from the airport Tuesday, we were able to visit Rachel Wednesday morning. she seemed to be doing okay and like i had felt the day before [except magnified 100 times for rachel], life couldn’t slow down for her yet. she still had 2 babies in the hospital that needed her attention. we were able to help her get some necessities and visit her at least once a day for the rest of her time in the hospital.

it was just this afternoon that we were finally able to see the leave the hospital and send them home. she had been there for about a month. i think eva will be fine. Rachel insisted on going and the nurses okayed it but part of me still thinks that john was taken out of the hospital prematurely. God is bigger than my little mind though and not only knows what he’s doing but knows why he’s doing it. i’m putting my trust in that.

all of that said [and know this is a very very shortened version of the story] please think of and pray for Eva and John and Rachel and their family. there are still some great struggles ahead of them and covering them in prayer would be so helpful. may they know in the depths of their heart that though the road is rough and path uncertain, they’ve already won the fight and that even through the death of a small and helpless child, victory will always be theirs through Christ.

“i believe you’ll outlive this pain in your heart, and you’ll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart...when some time has past us and the story can be told, it’ll mirror the strength and the courage of your soul.”

***

everything that has happened in the past weeks has really encouraged my mind to ask some of the harder questions in life. i ask these questions over and over again and yet the only answer i can seem to come up with is:

i don’t know and i don’t understand and i don’t know if i ever will.

all i really know is that the sovereignty of God is strong in the storm and His grace is flowing even in the desert.

my work here may not be physically demanding but it can sure as heck be tremendously emotionally, mentally and spiritually challenging. some days are long and i don’t know what to do with myself but i don’t doubt for one second that it’s the hand of God that has me here. . i mean that with my whole heart. God seems to have somehow etched onto my heart that though he never promises it’ll be easy, He does promise it’ll be worth it.

when you want to give up and quit, you’re still being beckoned into true Life. when a cold wind blows around you and you feel lonely, you’re still loved. when you feel obligated to succumb to the flesh, remember the Rock that created you.
friends, good times or bad, this is life and we ALL only have one.

show the difference.

as i driving down a side street this afternoon, something on the left caught my eye.
it was a piece of graffiti.
pale blue wall…red letters.

what was written was this:

“they love Africa but not Africans”

when i read this, something inside of my heart broke. this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. i don’t know the individuals who wrote this or which persons behaved in such a way that would make them think this but all i know is that it was difficult to read.

it breaks my heart that someone was treated in such a way that they felt unloved. it upsets me that someone [most likely a Westerner] treated this person with such little worth. it disturbs me that there are many people who come and go in this place that treat those around them without the respect they deserve.

and in addition…isn’t this completely backwards from the way it should be?
aren’t we [especially as believers] to love people and not locations?

aren’t people the ones with souls that extend into eternity…aren’t they the ones Christ died for? and aren’t locations the places that God is able to wipe out with a single thought…aren’t they places that will be destroyed without hesitation one day?

though it know it’s near impossible to do, all i want to do is find this person and tell them that however they were treated was wrong…it was a lie. i want them to know their worth. i wish i could show them that there is another way to go about life…one that doesn’t include feeling worthless, feeling disrespected and feeling unloved.

by no means are any of us the perfect example of how to treat a person [we are all human…] but somehow we can’t let our flaws get in the way of the pursuit of others. to pursue them and to somehow, whether through words or actions, show them that they are worth everything. that they are our worth our love, they are worth our time and by all means, let them know that Jesus found them worthy enough to die for.

…

as i continue to spend time with these ladies, i find that my heart is becoming more and more involved and attached. as i continue to see their struggles, i continue to be transformed.

i think the thing that is drastically different about needs here than in comparison to most needs in the States is that here, they are actually needs. in the States, i believe that we confused the terms need and want.

you don’t need a new bike, you want one.
you don’t need to go out to dinner, you want to.
you don’t need to upgrade your phone, you want to.
you don’t need a new shirt every week, you want one.

so as we go about our day and we are faced with decisions, big or small, i hope and pray that we can call [myself included] chose to make the right decision, not the easy or comfortable decision. may we learn more what it means to deny ourselves and indulge in Him. may we have the eyes to distinguish between need and want.

may we never forget that even our small choices may make the world of a difference to someone on the other side of the world…

“All around you people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip or dance, just don’t tiptoe.”

i pray that this week we would all learn a little bit more of what it means to be free from the slavery of our wants and to be truly alive.

lets take some risks.
lets be courageous.
lets remind ourselves that our hearts are still beating.

new things are happening.

lately it seems like every where i look, something new is happening. it’s overwhelming at times but it’s so good. new things bring about change and change is good…it allows us to see new things, experience new things and learn new things.

rachel [one of the suubi volunteers] left to go back to the States last week. it was sad to see her go and though i know she is going to miss all of the wonderful suubi women, i also know how excited she was to see her husband. after three months away from the man you love, i bet she was ready to see him! (:

apart from myself, renee is the only other suubi affiliated person here and even she leaves in a week! not having renee here will be a little sad/hard and so completely different than what we’re all used to but i know that her going back to the States is all in the plan. she’s been here for over 9 months so it’s crazy she’s leaving but i’m sure she’ll be back here in Africa before she knows it!!

although Rachel is gone and renee will soon be going, i think i’ll be okay. as most of you know, my sister comes here on wednesday night and will stay for a month. it’ll be good to have her here for a bit. i’m hoping she has a good time getting to know the Uganda that i fell in love with long ago.

suubi is going to be all over the States this summer at various places spreading the word about what we’re about and also sharing the stories of the women with everyone they see. i know it’s close to impossible but part of me would really love to be able to be back in the States for a week in July to be at one of the festivals suubi will be at. it’s not that i am doubting dave will do a good job (: but i think it’d be so much more than fun to spend a few days on the American side of things…sharing the incredible stories from here in Uganda with all the people i’d meet.

in other suubi news, a couple of new and exciting things are in the works. i don’t know how much information i’m “allowed” to let you all in on but just trust that it’s good stuff. because of the support everyone in America has given towards these women, suubi is having the opportunity to grow. keep your ears open and your eyes peeled!

i guess another big piece of news is that i’m moving houses. there are many reasons why this move is the best decision for me but the most urgent is that when renee leaves next week, the suubi house will be completely empty. i don’t think anyone involved with suubi [including myself] would feel comfortable with that house being empty for an extended amount of time. leaving the girls i’ve been living with for almost 4 months will make moving away from this house difficult but i’m incredibly thankful that it’s only a 10-15 minute move. the girls already spend Sunday afternoons at the suubi house but in addition to that, i’ll be able to come back here a couple of afternoon/evenings a week to see them. not seeing them isn’t an option to me. they are great and i love them so much!

so that’s life on the outside.

on the inside i’d say that i’m seeing that in order to stay sane and to not get myself stressed out, there are things in my life that i’m having to ‘give up’ [at least for the time being]. these things that i want or desire are not bad or even necessarily unhealthy, it’s just that i’m finding and learning that in surrendering things to the greater purpose of the Lord is more beneficial than anything else i could do with them.

i’m learning a lot about really enjoying the place i’m at. not seeking to always know what’s ahead…not always demanding to know the next step. with the help and mercy of the Lord, i’m attempting to tame my wandering mind that always seems to make a beeline for the future. it’s only because of His grace that i’m alive. all i have is today and tomorrow is not promised to me. therefore i’m living in the light He’s given me today.

thank you to everyone who is reading this. your thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement continue to serve me in tremendous ways.

all roads lead to the place we are.

the past two days i was blessed with the opportunity to attend a Passion conference here in Uganda. they are visiting 17 cities all around the world this year and it just so happened that Kampala [the capital of Uganda] was one of their stops. i don’t have words to describe how incredibly encouraging it was to my heart. it was more than just a conference, more than just a weekend.

from the days when God literally saved me from myself [saved me from my own physical death] to the days in panama when i acknowledged that Jesus was above me and made a genuine commitment in my heart that I would always say yes to His leading, God was writing a story.

when God lead me to northern Thailand my beliefs and thoughts and views began to take shape. i was figuring out what it was that God was wanting my heart to know so that i could live out my life in His name. in those days, jumbled thoughts became clear ideas.

when i went to college for the first semester and felt horrible uncomfortable, God was writing a story. the crucial wake up call He gave me after the death of a friend and the prompting to move back home after one semester of college was vital in where i’m at now.

when i got involved with invisible children and organized the Global Night Commute in Topeka, Kansas i had no idea how my heart would be transformed and how God would use that transformation to bring me to knew places. as my heart grew in love for the people of Uganda, i knew i couldn’t stay in America, i had to go there. so i worked and i planned and i came. for five months in 2007, i spent time in Uganda loving and care for little children.

shaken to the core by what i saw and experienced in those months and after a few months of confusion by being back in America, my heart responded by saying yes to going back. in those days of decision making, there was so much uncertainty that i decided to just embrace it instead of stressing about. i booked a ticket and didn’t know my return date. i worked and prayed and loved being around friends and family and the day finally came that i left Kansas and headed back to Uganda.

the first month of living here was exactly what i thought it would be…a lot of unknown. i was okay with it. every day was a little different and i was trusting that the Lord would pull through because the Lord had never failed me. in time, a job was offered to me. after a little praying and thinking, i accepted the job.

and here i am. that is life up to now.

as i stood in the field last night surrounded by young Ugandan men and women watching the Watoto Childrens Choir sing a song about love on stage, it hit me a huge way that this is my home. and i grateful to God for making it that. only His grace and mercy and love has the power to make any place on earth a home and that God chose to place me here in this country for this time brought me to tears. i was absolutely floored by the reality of it all. i am not here on accident, i am not here as a visitor. as i thought about the glory of it all last night, a renewed love washed over me. a love for the Lord, a love for all people.

[[it was an extra special moment for me when we sang 'great is our God' because i realized how far God has brought me, physically. i have sang that song in American, Thailand, Uganda. God is global, there is no doubt about it.]]

i have no idea where i will be a year from now. i don’t even want to know. if tomorrow has enough worries of its own, how much more must next year?

i am here. this is my life. i love it but more importantly, i love the Lord. without Him, i wouldn’t be here, i wouldn’t be in Kansas, i wouldn’t be anywhere. i am longing to be with Jesus face to face in heaven but until that day when He calls me home i see once again the remarkable beauty of living on the earth to make Jesus famous.

“have the attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Phil. 2:58

the God we serve is the God who knows the names of the millions of stars in the sky. now that is more than amazing and has the power to knock me down onto my knees but i honestly don’t know which is more fascinating…

that He knows the names of each star

or

that He knows our names and hearts

think about it.

God is big and He is great but He’s not done yet.

lets praise Him for that.

“better happy and poor than rich and unhappy”

as i took in the conversation that was taking place in the ‘living room’ of a woman named Florence and her friend Grace, and i was struck by Grace’s words.

“better happy and poor than rich and unhappy”

i feel like this woman, who is one of the most gracious women i have ever met in my life, gets it. she gets what life is about and what life is not about. though she’s never been rich…she’s seen the rich and she’s seen their attitudes, she’s seen their lifestyles…she’s seen their choices. it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that just because you have ‘stuff’ doesn’t mean you’re satisfied or happy with it all.

these women are absolutely delightful and as i spend time with them, whether for a short or long time, i have gathered many things, one of them being this: they understand the things that matter most in life more than most Westerners will ever understand.

their homes are humble and wonderful.

their families are large and welcoming.

their unique personalities outweigh their present circumstances.

their hard work is something to be mirrored.

i have done a lot of observing lately and i continue to recognize that these bodies, these lives, are fleeting and more temporary than we are able to conceive. though problems and hard situations tempt us all into thinking that this is all there is, there is a voice that’s calling out much louder than those that tempt.

the voice is loud and the voice is full of power and strength. it’s proclaiming that we were made for more and that if we, through Jesus Christ, are able to persevere until we are in our eternal home in heaven, he will show us that it was all worth it. not to ‘prove himself’ right but to declare how good he is and that the earth was just a ‘stop’ on the endless journey.

* * *

i know i don’t need to explain this to everyone but i’m going to share it with you because it’s means a lot me. this life that i am living here in the States is no different than the life i live in the States. i say that to mean this: i am not on a ‘trip’ to Uganda. i am living in Uganda. feeling led by the Lord, i decided to move here. though i was born in America, it is not my home. as followers of the Lord i think we all need to, in big and small, ways learn what that really means. whether it’s following him to get a summer job at a bookstore or whether it’s following his lead to move to Africa for some time…it’s all following and it’s all vital. so just as some of you commend me for ‘braving it’ and coming here, i commend you for being in America if that is where you believe are to remain.

though i have mission, i am not on a missions trip. i hope that you all can understand that. you may feel called to live in the States, i feel called to live in Uganda. apart from a silly physical location, that does not put me in a different place than you. we are all heading in the same direction…we are all after the same thing and that’s a simple and pure pursuit of the heart of God.

* * *

as i was reading the book of James out loud to the girls tonight, i found myself reading words that could not ring truer in my life than now. it’s remarkable how God chooses to present to you what you need to hear. though convictions are not always an enjoyable time, i find myself grateful for them. change doesn’t really come about without conviction and because i’m convinced that God is not a static God, i embrace change…i embrace convictions. though i find myself stumbling through how to work everything out, i know in my heart that all i have to do is seek out the gentle hand of God to lead me.

i work hard and try and get my jumbled thoughts into words for you all but i know i may not be too great at it sometimes. i’m trying; thanks for sticking with me. (:

my sister Ashley [who just graduated from the university of Kansas in the top 10% of her class] will be coming here in just about 3 weeks. it’s soon and i am excited! many things will be changing in the next month…mainly people coming and going…but all in all, i think it’ll be a fun adventure. but what else could i really expect?

…life is an adventure in and of itself.

may love lead you all.