i'm younger than that now.

i apologize that it’s been over a month since i last wrote a blog. days are crazy and they pass more quickly than i thought imaginable. every time i think about how it’s already October, i am absolutely floored. i can’t believe i’ve been in Uganda since February. at times it feels like 2 months, other times it feels like 2 years. i’m just thankful that i’m still here.

the past weeks have been a really crazy time for me. everything seems to have piled up on top of one another and has just resulted in a big heap of ridiculous. it hasn’t been one specific thing that has gotten to me…it’s a little bit of this and a little bit of that. as my bank account is slowly draining, my sanity seems to be slipping as well. i’ve seen God provide countless times and i know that this nutty season is no different. he’s still the same Provider i’ve always known and trusted. i guess i’ve just had a hard time planting myself in the calmness of His raging storm.

the past two weeks have been a good refresher for my body, mind and soul. [don’t mind the cliché] i spent last week in eastern Uganda. there are some beautiful mountains and a nice big waterfall [see my facebook pictures] there and it was a breath of fresh air. [literally – no car exhaust] a few hikes. lots of sitting. a bit of reading. a bit of writing. a bunch of relaxation. it was good to leave jinja for a few days. i found it gave me a few days to think about things. to contemplate what’s going on. to process all that’s been going on. i enjoyed the quietness of both my physical surroundings and the quietness of my heart.

though Suubi has been one of the main reasons for my stress…i can’t complain too much. i would never want to. this is a beautiful life i’m leading and i’m so thankful i have these women to be with. these women are absolute characters and whether in their homes or at our meetings, it brings a lot of joy to my heart to see their smiling faces. in light of these womens lives, i feel like i may never understand what hard work and perseverance and sacrifice really mean. nothing against hard working men and women in the States but…you don’t have to fetch your water – clean, running water is in at least 2 rooms in your home. you don’t have to do your entire families laundry by hand – those machines in your designated laundry room do all the work for you. it’s funny how when a load of laundry is done in the dryer, i would sometimes find myself complaining that i had to fold the clothes. really, Julie? all you have to do is fold the clothes.

the farther out of cities you go, the more work you find women doing. if they are farming, they carry loads that are at least their weight. as we were walking down to the base of the waterfall last week, we passed a women who was at least 60 years old who had a load on her back that looked like it was twice her weight. as we passed her, it was all i could do to look at josh and tell him that i will never know what hard work looks like. it was a truly humbling moment for me. it’s the same humbling feeling when i see a 3 year old girl carrying a jerry can of water on her head.

there is a song bob Dylan sings…
“i was so much older then, i’m younger than that now.”

we think we have all the answers. we think that we know what’s going on. we think that we understand what’s best for ourselves and others. we think that we are without the need of other humans. but it’s in those moments when your heart is most humbled that we learn that all of those things…all of those things that we thought we knew…we know nothing about. we learn that it’s not about having all the answers or knowing all the right things. it’s about being in a place where others are higher than yourself. it’s about realizing that though we thought we had it all together and we know what’s going on…we don’t. it’s not until we have the humility of a child that we learn some of the most important things in life.

“i was so much older then,
i’m younger than that now.”

the many thoughts in a mind.

as i sat this afternoon watching invisible children with josh [who had never seen it before] everything i first felt for this country of uganda came flooding back. it was an incredible feeling in my heart to think about the great work God has done in my life since that saturday evening in October of 2005 when i first watched invisible children.

after living in Uganda for [collectively] almost a year, i seemed to see the film in a different way. everything seemed to make more sense. the language. the mannerisms. the streets. the people. the culture. by no means do i completely understand the Ugandan culture now but i am leaps and bounds from where i was at in 2005.

i’ve been thinking a lot about what my future is going to look like but lately, especially lately, i’ve been able to come up with nothing. every single day is different from the next and every single day my heart and mind seem to say or want or desire or think something than what i had previously though. i have no idea where i’ll be in five years or what i’ll be doing. i’m not necessarily worried about it but i really see clearly how the decisions and choices that i make now will directly influence my life down the road.

sometimes i think about the reasons for me going back to the states. i know that in February i’ll go back and see my friends and family but after those weeks of adjusting and spending time with them and loving them and enjoying their company, i know my heart will be right back to where i’m at now…so completely in love with THIS place and so completely enthralled by THESE people. my heart is with these people that have dark skin and bright smiles. i know it’s only been a year but i honestly can’t imagine my life anywhere but here.

sometimes when i think about it all, it just doesn’t make sense for me to NOT be living here. i really feel the need to ask God why he would want me to STAY in America and not stay in Africa. sometimes people can get so caught up in staying where they’re from [maybe perhaps where they are most comfortable?] but if we are children of God, then our home is heaven and the earth is ours to roam.

tonight after watching invisible children, josh, john and i went across the street to the primary school to play frisbee. the school is on break right now and so apart from 5 or 6 kids, it was empty. as soon as we brought out the frisbee, the kids immediately started to play around with us. at first it was us tossing it around to each other and them running around trying to catch it and after a while, they started throwing it around themselves. i looked over and john had placed his hoodie on a little girl who was standing by herself on the steps of a building. it was cloudy and raining and she looked absolutely freezing. after a couple more throws, i decided to quit frisbee and go sit with her.

i sat down on the steps and set her in my lap and wrapped my arms around her in hopes of warming her up a little bit. i found out her name was Deborah. she was the shyest little girl but as most do, she had the most adorable smile. whenever i talked to her, i tried my best to do so in luganda and every time i did, she got this awestruck look on her face and then a cute little smile. it was as if she was surprised this white girl who was holding her knew her language and was trying to talk to her (:

as i held her in my arms, with the thoughts that went along with watching invisible children going through my head, i felt the Lord was with me. though confusion and a lot of ‘unknown’ is with me these days in regards to my life, i felt like holding deborah in my arms was a small [big?] reassurance and comfort that it all doesn’t matter.

it’s today that matters because tomorrow isn’t promised.

yesterday is the past
tomorrow is the future
and today is the present.
yes, it’s just that. it’s the present…it’s a gift.

this beautiful, cool, rainy afternoon was a gift to my heart from God.
i hope God gives you a gift like this soon.
be blessed friends.

don't stop 'til you get enough

everywhere i go, everyone i meet, every situation i encounter, there seems to be a lesson to be learned. life lessons just don’t ever stop. as i go through life and things are revealed to me, i seem to bask in the sovereignty of God. all things that i see and learn and experience and love are all from God. God creates it, God brings it to me and God teaches my heart.

you know what brings me an incredible joy? we are all human. different colors, different places, different languages, but what it boils down to is that each one of us is a human and each one of us were created in the image of Someone much greater than ourselves.

last week at our main Suubi meeting, there was a situation that brought this issue of being the same to the front of my mind and heart. i know that cultures are different and the way issues are addressed are different but this situation reminded me that despite cultural differences, we are all human. we all feel. we all hurt. we all cry. we all are confused. we all laugh. we all smile. you can see the frail humanity in the eyes of each person.

somehow all of that led me to thinking of the worth and value of each person. there is so much significance in treating each of these Suubi women like they are worth far more than rubies. to live my days’ showing them the importance of their life is something that is worth far more than my effort.

all of these thoughts led my mind to remember how gentle the revolution is. the Kingdom of God is not spread through power or fame. it’s not spread by doing what’s right and wrong. it’s not spread by being good or bad. it’s not spread my morals. it’s not spread by wealth. it’s spread by the unexplainable strength of loving a person. Jesus made it quite clear that it’s not a forced power that brings the people to His love. it’s a simple and gentle love. it’s the yeast in the bread that starts small and slowly but surely invades the entire loaf. it is like the tiny tiny tiny mustard seed that will eventually take over the entire garden.

there is a time for a holy rage [eg – Jesus upsetting tables] but even in that, it’s a gentle and loving transformation. oh that in all we do we would seek the good.

what would it look like if we spent all of our days seeking the good?
imagine it for a minute.

as john and i visit different women and spend time in walukuba and danida, my heart is overwhelmed with a deep love for these people. to not be here in Uganda right now isn’t an option. as i sit in the ladies homes and roll beads or string necklaces or talk about whatever, i literally can’t help but to just look at them and be amazed. my words will never describe how freaking amazing they are.

can i please speak of their beauty real quick? for real. they are stunning. americas next top model has nothing on these women. there is no make up. there are no fancy clothes. there is no expensive jewelry. there is nothing but a pure and honest beauty. and not only do these women have it going onnnnn on the outside but their hearts are so beautiful as well. i could go on forever.

exciting news! someone in the States donated a large sum of money to Light Gives Heat so that they can have a kiosk in a mall in Colorado in November and December! that’s huge! we all know how crazy most Americans get around the holidays…they can never buy enough. so while i don’t encourage buying a lot, it is super great for the Suubi ladies. their necklaces and stories will be everywhere! it gets me so excited. they deserve it all.

these women are not a ‘cause’ to support. they are not a ‘charity’ to support. they are humans. they live. they breathe. they are my friends. they work hard on these necklaces and they pray hard for ‘market’ in the States. these women are real and dang…they are amazing.

thanks for listening to my words. leave a comment. let me know who you are. i say it all the time but i would really love to know how you’re doing. send me an email sometime, it’d brighten my day!

love.julie

you better thank God for that.

“it doesn’t cost a thing to smile.
you don’t have to pay to laugh.
you better thank God for that.
there’s hope.”
-india.arie

what a precious gift it is that the things the matter the most in life are free. family is free. friendships are free. smiling doesn’t cost a thing. laughing isn’t something that requires money.

i see in the lives of the suubi women a hope that’s alive. it’s the kind of hope that forces a person to rise above present circumstances and choose something better. all of these lessons that i’m learning from these women are renovating my heart. i’m learning about what strength can look like and unlike what we’re used to in the United States, i see very clearly any amount of money you have, whatever your social status may be or whatever “look” you may have does not dictate your strength.

there is a suubi woman named margrit and one of her daughters, agnes, had a baby in late july and named it Julie after me. the ladies insisted that i visited my ‘namesake’ and so on Friday morning john and i went to her home to see margrit and her family. as we sat on the floor of her home and talked with her and others, dennis, one of margrit’s sons scurried into the room. after some more conversation, we learn that margrit has 9 children and 4 of them are mentally handicapped. dennis is her youngest handicapped child and words can’t accurately describe how the love for her son seemed to flow out of margrit. as she sat on the floor with her hands clasped tightly around her son in hopes of limiting his energetic outbursts, i just looked at her with such respect and love and awe.

this woman is an incredible picture of what strength has the ability to look like. she has 9 children, 4 of them handicapped. suubi is her only work. her husband lost his job and now digs in the garden. her radiant smile is proof that she has chosen hope. her caring hands show that she understands love. her joyful attitude is evidence that she isn’t going to settle for sadness. i see her rising above a “ho hum” life and choosing hope. hope that infiltrates all areas of life.

i have a quote from shane Claiborne on the mirror in my bathroom that talks about how these gifts that we have and experience are too good to keep to ourselves. i know these blogs that i write are only words on a page but it’s my prayer that somehow they’d give you a glimpse of life here. that you would perhaps see a little bit more clearly that life isn’t all about you and me. it’s about those around us. it’s about giving your heart away. it’s about taking risks to serve others.

i have faith that if we allow the things that really matter in life to invade our lives, we will be different people. i’m definitely not an expert at living out these things but i think it’s worth pursuing…i’m working on it. i hope you’ll join me. i just don’t think God was joking around when he said life wasn’t about us.

yesterday, today and tomorrow.

everything about the Lord is steady. for him, today will be the same as yesterday and yesterday will be the same as tomorrow. that’s one of the beautiful things about the Eternal One. in many ways, i need to have integrity and be the same yesterday, today and tomorrow but i can’t escape this truth that i am ever-changing. with each day that passes, i am less and less the same. there are a lot of dead things in me. this needs to change. the Lord is constantly shedding light on the dark, dead things to bring a new sense of life to my entire being.

i’m learning that as i give more, i am gaining more.

God has given me the sweetest joy in knowing that this lesson is not something that i am doing; it’s all his doing. as i find myself convicted and as i find myself acting on those convictions, God is giving me a better understanding of what refinement is. it is in that raging holy fire that i am changing.

my hearts purpose has not and will not change. i’ve been placed here on this soil to make the kingdom of the living God known through the act of loving and serving others. God doesn’t want my eyes to just read the gospels, but to live The Gospel. as a child of God, i am to live a life of love and to imitate His character. He wants me to live acknowledging that His grace and mercy are enough.

the past days have been filled to the brim with fantastic conversations. these conversations have been thought provoking and encouraging and confusing. it was such a blessing to have had a friend from back “home” around…i had almost forgotten what it looks like to have a face to face conversation with someone who fully understands what you say when you say it.

there have been parts of the past two weeks that have been nothing but absolute chaos but when i sit back and think about how temporary it all is for me, i look inside, gain a new strength and find the courage to press on. my load is light in comparison to others. there have been so many faithful people in the world who have carried more than i could ever imagine. when i look at their load and i look at mine, i’m gently reminded that i really don’t have it that bad. things may be crazy and at times overwhelming and frustrating but at the end of the day…i always see the protection and provision of the Lord is big and small ways. i get what it means to rest in the Lord.

there are a few new suubi volunteers coming in a august and one of them is a guy! apart from dave [the official director], there haven’t been a whole bunch of guys join us here at suubi. yes, our work is primarily with women but it definitely extends to their families which usually includes males. and in most situations, you can find that men are able to bring something to the table that women aren’t able to and i think to have a guy or two around is going to be great!

i have been brainstorming some ideas of how to better serve the entire community of Walukuba and hopefully between my ideas and the brilliant ideas i’m sure the new volunteers will bring to the table, i think we’ll be able to start up some fun new things. i’ll be sure to keep you updated!

i still find myself walking down the road, turning to the person i’m with and exclaiming “geeeez, i love living here!” the path of my life will probably change in the upcoming years but for now i can’t even begin to explain how much i really enjoy where i’ve been placed and the work that’s been put before me.

wherever i’m at and whatever i’m doing, i know i’ll always be able to stand firm in the love that never fails and on the truth that is as steady as a rock. it’s my prayer that as the hands and feet of the invisible God, we would all grow in love and truth action, knowing we aren’t alone in anything we do.

i am thankful for each one of you.

may you be blessed today.

rachel, abram, john and eva.

“i did not come here to offer you clichés and i will not pretend to know of all your pain but just know that when you cannot, then i will hold out faith for you.”

these triplets had been in the hospital for over 2 ½ weeks when i visited them for the third time last Monday. i quickly saw that though eva was doing much better, john was still pretty sickly and abram was in a far worse condition than the other two. after looking at him for about a minute and seeing he had only gotten progressively worse over the past 2 ½ weeks and not progressively better, i had it decided in my head that if we didn’t do something and get him real medical attention, he would die in the next 24 hours.

after some drama with the nursing staff at the hospital, we got them transferred to an actual medical center down the road. the afternoon we got them there, they tried and tried to get blood from all three babies in hopes of running some tests on them. they successfully drew blood from only one of the babies. the level of dehydration in these little ones was astonishing, their veins were invisible. after being told that they would continue to try and get blood from little abram during the night, we left them there with their mother and father telling them we’d return to visit them all first thing in the morning.

8:30 the next morning we go to visit them and are told that they aren’t there. i ask where they went and the doctor proceeded to tell them that they transferred them back to the hospital they had came from because they couldn’t get the blood from abram. [all this translates into is that they were a bit lazy and didn’t want to or didn’t care to work hard enough on behalf of this little baby] after calmly explaining to the doctor that we had brought these babies to them because they weren’t getting the medical treatment they so desperately needed at the other place and that i was disappointed with the way their center handled the situation, we left very frustrated. not five minutes later, Rachel walks up from behind us. she said something really fast that i didn’t catch but the next words out of her mouth were ‘abram died’. i was floored and instantly said ‘what?!’, thinking that i heard wrong. she repeated herself and then said that they had refused treatment and had sent them back to the hospital in the night and that abram died a few hours later.

when she said this i was utterly at a loss of words. i’m pretty sure i didn’t get out anything but a couple ‘what’s’ and a few ‘i’m so sorry rachel’s’. my mind was going a million miles a minute.

i was incredibly sad that abram no longer had a beating heart. my heart ached because this family just lost a child, brother and grandson. i was exceedingly angry at the staff at the center that refused to treat abram. almost immediately i felt a little guilty and played the ‘what if’ game in my head. everything was so overwhelming in those moments.

as Rachel and her family went to the burial, my day didn’t slow down. i had things to pick up in walukuba. we were visiting a suubi woman at 10am. my sister who had been here a month was leaving that evening. everything seemed to spin but i knew that i couldn’t slow down yet.

after i was able to process some things on the night drive home from the airport Tuesday, we were able to visit Rachel Wednesday morning. she seemed to be doing okay and like i had felt the day before [except magnified 100 times for rachel], life couldn’t slow down for her yet. she still had 2 babies in the hospital that needed her attention. we were able to help her get some necessities and visit her at least once a day for the rest of her time in the hospital.

it was just this afternoon that we were finally able to see the leave the hospital and send them home. she had been there for about a month. i think eva will be fine. Rachel insisted on going and the nurses okayed it but part of me still thinks that john was taken out of the hospital prematurely. God is bigger than my little mind though and not only knows what he’s doing but knows why he’s doing it. i’m putting my trust in that.

all of that said [and know this is a very very shortened version of the story] please think of and pray for Eva and John and Rachel and their family. there are still some great struggles ahead of them and covering them in prayer would be so helpful. may they know in the depths of their heart that though the road is rough and path uncertain, they’ve already won the fight and that even through the death of a small and helpless child, victory will always be theirs through Christ.

“i believe you’ll outlive this pain in your heart, and you’ll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart...when some time has past us and the story can be told, it’ll mirror the strength and the courage of your soul.”

***

everything that has happened in the past weeks has really encouraged my mind to ask some of the harder questions in life. i ask these questions over and over again and yet the only answer i can seem to come up with is:

i don’t know and i don’t understand and i don’t know if i ever will.

all i really know is that the sovereignty of God is strong in the storm and His grace is flowing even in the desert.

my work here may not be physically demanding but it can sure as heck be tremendously emotionally, mentally and spiritually challenging. some days are long and i don’t know what to do with myself but i don’t doubt for one second that it’s the hand of God that has me here. . i mean that with my whole heart. God seems to have somehow etched onto my heart that though he never promises it’ll be easy, He does promise it’ll be worth it.

when you want to give up and quit, you’re still being beckoned into true Life. when a cold wind blows around you and you feel lonely, you’re still loved. when you feel obligated to succumb to the flesh, remember the Rock that created you.
friends, good times or bad, this is life and we ALL only have one.

show the difference.

as i driving down a side street this afternoon, something on the left caught my eye.
it was a piece of graffiti.
pale blue wall…red letters.

what was written was this:

“they love Africa but not Africans”

when i read this, something inside of my heart broke. this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. i don’t know the individuals who wrote this or which persons behaved in such a way that would make them think this but all i know is that it was difficult to read.

it breaks my heart that someone was treated in such a way that they felt unloved. it upsets me that someone [most likely a Westerner] treated this person with such little worth. it disturbs me that there are many people who come and go in this place that treat those around them without the respect they deserve.

and in addition…isn’t this completely backwards from the way it should be?
aren’t we [especially as believers] to love people and not locations?

aren’t people the ones with souls that extend into eternity…aren’t they the ones Christ died for? and aren’t locations the places that God is able to wipe out with a single thought…aren’t they places that will be destroyed without hesitation one day?

though it know it’s near impossible to do, all i want to do is find this person and tell them that however they were treated was wrong…it was a lie. i want them to know their worth. i wish i could show them that there is another way to go about life…one that doesn’t include feeling worthless, feeling disrespected and feeling unloved.

by no means are any of us the perfect example of how to treat a person [we are all human…] but somehow we can’t let our flaws get in the way of the pursuit of others. to pursue them and to somehow, whether through words or actions, show them that they are worth everything. that they are our worth our love, they are worth our time and by all means, let them know that Jesus found them worthy enough to die for.

…

as i continue to spend time with these ladies, i find that my heart is becoming more and more involved and attached. as i continue to see their struggles, i continue to be transformed.

i think the thing that is drastically different about needs here than in comparison to most needs in the States is that here, they are actually needs. in the States, i believe that we confused the terms need and want.

you don’t need a new bike, you want one.
you don’t need to go out to dinner, you want to.
you don’t need to upgrade your phone, you want to.
you don’t need a new shirt every week, you want one.

so as we go about our day and we are faced with decisions, big or small, i hope and pray that we can call [myself included] chose to make the right decision, not the easy or comfortable decision. may we learn more what it means to deny ourselves and indulge in Him. may we have the eyes to distinguish between need and want.

may we never forget that even our small choices may make the world of a difference to someone on the other side of the world…

“All around you people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip or dance, just don’t tiptoe.”

i pray that this week we would all learn a little bit more of what it means to be free from the slavery of our wants and to be truly alive.

lets take some risks.
lets be courageous.
lets remind ourselves that our hearts are still beating.