where'd it all go?

again, you all receive my apologies for the long delay in posting. i never have a really good reason for it all, time just gets away. however, don’t be fooled…though my fingers haven’t been busy writing blogs, my mind has definitely been reeling about various things.

i had this moment the other day where i just realized how comfortable life has become here in Uganda. not in the sense spiritual complacency and mental easiness but rather, it occurred to me how this place is no longer foreign to me. i was standing next to the van with some of the street kids and i was waiting for josh to come back with the price of how much they will buy our empty glass pop bottles for and as traffic was zooming past me, my heart was just kind of filled with a greater sense of peace than usual.

and i guess that feeling all of that peace just makes these next months all the more harder. i have been here since February 25th. today is October 25th. today marks exactly eight months. josh and i fly out on February 11th. that means about three and a half months left. in 2007 i was here in Uganda for five months and looking back, i know how quickly those months passed and to know that i now have less than that amount of time left…everything is just strange. [sorry for the possible confusion with all of that; it’s hard to follow my thoughts at times]

on wednesday night, a bunch of us escorted john to the airport to go back to america. going to the airport is always a strange emotional experience for me. regardless of whether i’m picking someone up or dropping someone off, it toys with my mind. saying good-bye is always harder than saying hello, i think we can all agree. especially for these friends of mine that are departing Uganda. if tears come to my eyes, there are usually two things causing them. one is simply that it’s sad to see friends go…to have to say good-bye knowing that when you get back to the house, their bed will be empty and the air that is usually filled with their jokes will be silent. furthermore, it’s always hard to see volunteers go because i know how hard it is to leave this place. to leave this place that they’ve absolutely come to love. to have to say good-bye to the people they’ve met and know they have the long road of american adjustment ahead of them. it can be a damn hard road to walk too.

i say all of this to somehow get to my point of how i’m having a hard time processing leaving. i know it’s a ways off but i also know how quickly it will pass. i’m not sure what i’m so worried about. the hand of God hasn’t let go of mine and i’m not alone. i have Him. i have josh. i have Melissa. i have those who support me in the States. i guess what i’ve come to realize in the past day is that Uganda and everything in it has become my life and i’m afraid of what going back to the States may look like. i don’t know life apart from this land and these people. it terrifies me to think about not being here with these women, seeing these children, being surrounded by thousands of necklaces at all times.

the unknown has always had the potential to kick our ass but right now, i’m determined to not let that be the case. my confidence in the mighty hand of God has to be stronger than my wavering doubt and fear that comes with going back to the States. i can’t let the little voices in my head be louder than the gentle whispers of God. i guess really what needs to be happening is that i need to be still and know that He is God. because if i fail to recognize that truth, things will crumble beneath my feet.

there is a song by greg hjelle called invitation fountain and one of the lines in the song is ‘’where you lead me Lord, i will follow’. i know that this may seem ridiculous and impossible but as i was listening to this song on the way home from the airport the other night, i think i realized that the Lord leading me to the States is a hell of a lot harder to accept and obey than the Lord leading me to Uganda. i’m not really sure how to process all of this or where to go from here, i only need to be reminding myself that i’m not alone. i’m grateful for that.

‘’ be strong, He has not failed you in all the past,
and will He go and leave you to sink at last?
no, He said He will hide you beneath His wing;
and sweetly there in safety you then may sing. ’’

i'm younger than that now.

i apologize that it’s been over a month since i last wrote a blog. days are crazy and they pass more quickly than i thought imaginable. every time i think about how it’s already October, i am absolutely floored. i can’t believe i’ve been in Uganda since February. at times it feels like 2 months, other times it feels like 2 years. i’m just thankful that i’m still here.

the past weeks have been a really crazy time for me. everything seems to have piled up on top of one another and has just resulted in a big heap of ridiculous. it hasn’t been one specific thing that has gotten to me…it’s a little bit of this and a little bit of that. as my bank account is slowly draining, my sanity seems to be slipping as well. i’ve seen God provide countless times and i know that this nutty season is no different. he’s still the same Provider i’ve always known and trusted. i guess i’ve just had a hard time planting myself in the calmness of His raging storm.

the past two weeks have been a good refresher for my body, mind and soul. [don’t mind the cliché] i spent last week in eastern Uganda. there are some beautiful mountains and a nice big waterfall [see my facebook pictures] there and it was a breath of fresh air. [literally – no car exhaust] a few hikes. lots of sitting. a bit of reading. a bit of writing. a bunch of relaxation. it was good to leave jinja for a few days. i found it gave me a few days to think about things. to contemplate what’s going on. to process all that’s been going on. i enjoyed the quietness of both my physical surroundings and the quietness of my heart.

though Suubi has been one of the main reasons for my stress…i can’t complain too much. i would never want to. this is a beautiful life i’m leading and i’m so thankful i have these women to be with. these women are absolute characters and whether in their homes or at our meetings, it brings a lot of joy to my heart to see their smiling faces. in light of these womens lives, i feel like i may never understand what hard work and perseverance and sacrifice really mean. nothing against hard working men and women in the States but…you don’t have to fetch your water – clean, running water is in at least 2 rooms in your home. you don’t have to do your entire families laundry by hand – those machines in your designated laundry room do all the work for you. it’s funny how when a load of laundry is done in the dryer, i would sometimes find myself complaining that i had to fold the clothes. really, Julie? all you have to do is fold the clothes.

the farther out of cities you go, the more work you find women doing. if they are farming, they carry loads that are at least their weight. as we were walking down to the base of the waterfall last week, we passed a women who was at least 60 years old who had a load on her back that looked like it was twice her weight. as we passed her, it was all i could do to look at josh and tell him that i will never know what hard work looks like. it was a truly humbling moment for me. it’s the same humbling feeling when i see a 3 year old girl carrying a jerry can of water on her head.

there is a song bob Dylan sings…
“i was so much older then, i’m younger than that now.”

we think we have all the answers. we think that we know what’s going on. we think that we understand what’s best for ourselves and others. we think that we are without the need of other humans. but it’s in those moments when your heart is most humbled that we learn that all of those things…all of those things that we thought we knew…we know nothing about. we learn that it’s not about having all the answers or knowing all the right things. it’s about being in a place where others are higher than yourself. it’s about realizing that though we thought we had it all together and we know what’s going on…we don’t. it’s not until we have the humility of a child that we learn some of the most important things in life.

“i was so much older then,
i’m younger than that now.”

the many thoughts in a mind.

as i sat this afternoon watching invisible children with josh [who had never seen it before] everything i first felt for this country of uganda came flooding back. it was an incredible feeling in my heart to think about the great work God has done in my life since that saturday evening in October of 2005 when i first watched invisible children.

after living in Uganda for [collectively] almost a year, i seemed to see the film in a different way. everything seemed to make more sense. the language. the mannerisms. the streets. the people. the culture. by no means do i completely understand the Ugandan culture now but i am leaps and bounds from where i was at in 2005.

i’ve been thinking a lot about what my future is going to look like but lately, especially lately, i’ve been able to come up with nothing. every single day is different from the next and every single day my heart and mind seem to say or want or desire or think something than what i had previously though. i have no idea where i’ll be in five years or what i’ll be doing. i’m not necessarily worried about it but i really see clearly how the decisions and choices that i make now will directly influence my life down the road.

sometimes i think about the reasons for me going back to the states. i know that in February i’ll go back and see my friends and family but after those weeks of adjusting and spending time with them and loving them and enjoying their company, i know my heart will be right back to where i’m at now…so completely in love with THIS place and so completely enthralled by THESE people. my heart is with these people that have dark skin and bright smiles. i know it’s only been a year but i honestly can’t imagine my life anywhere but here.

sometimes when i think about it all, it just doesn’t make sense for me to NOT be living here. i really feel the need to ask God why he would want me to STAY in America and not stay in Africa. sometimes people can get so caught up in staying where they’re from [maybe perhaps where they are most comfortable?] but if we are children of God, then our home is heaven and the earth is ours to roam.

tonight after watching invisible children, josh, john and i went across the street to the primary school to play frisbee. the school is on break right now and so apart from 5 or 6 kids, it was empty. as soon as we brought out the frisbee, the kids immediately started to play around with us. at first it was us tossing it around to each other and them running around trying to catch it and after a while, they started throwing it around themselves. i looked over and john had placed his hoodie on a little girl who was standing by herself on the steps of a building. it was cloudy and raining and she looked absolutely freezing. after a couple more throws, i decided to quit frisbee and go sit with her.

i sat down on the steps and set her in my lap and wrapped my arms around her in hopes of warming her up a little bit. i found out her name was Deborah. she was the shyest little girl but as most do, she had the most adorable smile. whenever i talked to her, i tried my best to do so in luganda and every time i did, she got this awestruck look on her face and then a cute little smile. it was as if she was surprised this white girl who was holding her knew her language and was trying to talk to her (:

as i held her in my arms, with the thoughts that went along with watching invisible children going through my head, i felt the Lord was with me. though confusion and a lot of ‘unknown’ is with me these days in regards to my life, i felt like holding deborah in my arms was a small [big?] reassurance and comfort that it all doesn’t matter.

it’s today that matters because tomorrow isn’t promised.

yesterday is the past
tomorrow is the future
and today is the present.
yes, it’s just that. it’s the present…it’s a gift.

this beautiful, cool, rainy afternoon was a gift to my heart from God.
i hope God gives you a gift like this soon.
be blessed friends.

don't stop 'til you get enough

everywhere i go, everyone i meet, every situation i encounter, there seems to be a lesson to be learned. life lessons just don’t ever stop. as i go through life and things are revealed to me, i seem to bask in the sovereignty of God. all things that i see and learn and experience and love are all from God. God creates it, God brings it to me and God teaches my heart.

you know what brings me an incredible joy? we are all human. different colors, different places, different languages, but what it boils down to is that each one of us is a human and each one of us were created in the image of Someone much greater than ourselves.

last week at our main Suubi meeting, there was a situation that brought this issue of being the same to the front of my mind and heart. i know that cultures are different and the way issues are addressed are different but this situation reminded me that despite cultural differences, we are all human. we all feel. we all hurt. we all cry. we all are confused. we all laugh. we all smile. you can see the frail humanity in the eyes of each person.

somehow all of that led me to thinking of the worth and value of each person. there is so much significance in treating each of these Suubi women like they are worth far more than rubies. to live my days’ showing them the importance of their life is something that is worth far more than my effort.

all of these thoughts led my mind to remember how gentle the revolution is. the Kingdom of God is not spread through power or fame. it’s not spread by doing what’s right and wrong. it’s not spread by being good or bad. it’s not spread my morals. it’s not spread by wealth. it’s spread by the unexplainable strength of loving a person. Jesus made it quite clear that it’s not a forced power that brings the people to His love. it’s a simple and gentle love. it’s the yeast in the bread that starts small and slowly but surely invades the entire loaf. it is like the tiny tiny tiny mustard seed that will eventually take over the entire garden.

there is a time for a holy rage [eg – Jesus upsetting tables] but even in that, it’s a gentle and loving transformation. oh that in all we do we would seek the good.

what would it look like if we spent all of our days seeking the good?
imagine it for a minute.

as john and i visit different women and spend time in walukuba and danida, my heart is overwhelmed with a deep love for these people. to not be here in Uganda right now isn’t an option. as i sit in the ladies homes and roll beads or string necklaces or talk about whatever, i literally can’t help but to just look at them and be amazed. my words will never describe how freaking amazing they are.

can i please speak of their beauty real quick? for real. they are stunning. americas next top model has nothing on these women. there is no make up. there are no fancy clothes. there is no expensive jewelry. there is nothing but a pure and honest beauty. and not only do these women have it going onnnnn on the outside but their hearts are so beautiful as well. i could go on forever.

exciting news! someone in the States donated a large sum of money to Light Gives Heat so that they can have a kiosk in a mall in Colorado in November and December! that’s huge! we all know how crazy most Americans get around the holidays…they can never buy enough. so while i don’t encourage buying a lot, it is super great for the Suubi ladies. their necklaces and stories will be everywhere! it gets me so excited. they deserve it all.

these women are not a ‘cause’ to support. they are not a ‘charity’ to support. they are humans. they live. they breathe. they are my friends. they work hard on these necklaces and they pray hard for ‘market’ in the States. these women are real and dang…they are amazing.

thanks for listening to my words. leave a comment. let me know who you are. i say it all the time but i would really love to know how you’re doing. send me an email sometime, it’d brighten my day!

love.julie

you better thank God for that.

“it doesn’t cost a thing to smile.
you don’t have to pay to laugh.
you better thank God for that.
there’s hope.”
-india.arie

what a precious gift it is that the things the matter the most in life are free. family is free. friendships are free. smiling doesn’t cost a thing. laughing isn’t something that requires money.

i see in the lives of the suubi women a hope that’s alive. it’s the kind of hope that forces a person to rise above present circumstances and choose something better. all of these lessons that i’m learning from these women are renovating my heart. i’m learning about what strength can look like and unlike what we’re used to in the United States, i see very clearly any amount of money you have, whatever your social status may be or whatever “look” you may have does not dictate your strength.

there is a suubi woman named margrit and one of her daughters, agnes, had a baby in late july and named it Julie after me. the ladies insisted that i visited my ‘namesake’ and so on Friday morning john and i went to her home to see margrit and her family. as we sat on the floor of her home and talked with her and others, dennis, one of margrit’s sons scurried into the room. after some more conversation, we learn that margrit has 9 children and 4 of them are mentally handicapped. dennis is her youngest handicapped child and words can’t accurately describe how the love for her son seemed to flow out of margrit. as she sat on the floor with her hands clasped tightly around her son in hopes of limiting his energetic outbursts, i just looked at her with such respect and love and awe.

this woman is an incredible picture of what strength has the ability to look like. she has 9 children, 4 of them handicapped. suubi is her only work. her husband lost his job and now digs in the garden. her radiant smile is proof that she has chosen hope. her caring hands show that she understands love. her joyful attitude is evidence that she isn’t going to settle for sadness. i see her rising above a “ho hum” life and choosing hope. hope that infiltrates all areas of life.

i have a quote from shane Claiborne on the mirror in my bathroom that talks about how these gifts that we have and experience are too good to keep to ourselves. i know these blogs that i write are only words on a page but it’s my prayer that somehow they’d give you a glimpse of life here. that you would perhaps see a little bit more clearly that life isn’t all about you and me. it’s about those around us. it’s about giving your heart away. it’s about taking risks to serve others.

i have faith that if we allow the things that really matter in life to invade our lives, we will be different people. i’m definitely not an expert at living out these things but i think it’s worth pursuing…i’m working on it. i hope you’ll join me. i just don’t think God was joking around when he said life wasn’t about us.

yesterday, today and tomorrow.

everything about the Lord is steady. for him, today will be the same as yesterday and yesterday will be the same as tomorrow. that’s one of the beautiful things about the Eternal One. in many ways, i need to have integrity and be the same yesterday, today and tomorrow but i can’t escape this truth that i am ever-changing. with each day that passes, i am less and less the same. there are a lot of dead things in me. this needs to change. the Lord is constantly shedding light on the dark, dead things to bring a new sense of life to my entire being.

i’m learning that as i give more, i am gaining more.

God has given me the sweetest joy in knowing that this lesson is not something that i am doing; it’s all his doing. as i find myself convicted and as i find myself acting on those convictions, God is giving me a better understanding of what refinement is. it is in that raging holy fire that i am changing.

my hearts purpose has not and will not change. i’ve been placed here on this soil to make the kingdom of the living God known through the act of loving and serving others. God doesn’t want my eyes to just read the gospels, but to live The Gospel. as a child of God, i am to live a life of love and to imitate His character. He wants me to live acknowledging that His grace and mercy are enough.

the past days have been filled to the brim with fantastic conversations. these conversations have been thought provoking and encouraging and confusing. it was such a blessing to have had a friend from back “home” around…i had almost forgotten what it looks like to have a face to face conversation with someone who fully understands what you say when you say it.

there have been parts of the past two weeks that have been nothing but absolute chaos but when i sit back and think about how temporary it all is for me, i look inside, gain a new strength and find the courage to press on. my load is light in comparison to others. there have been so many faithful people in the world who have carried more than i could ever imagine. when i look at their load and i look at mine, i’m gently reminded that i really don’t have it that bad. things may be crazy and at times overwhelming and frustrating but at the end of the day…i always see the protection and provision of the Lord is big and small ways. i get what it means to rest in the Lord.

there are a few new suubi volunteers coming in a august and one of them is a guy! apart from dave [the official director], there haven’t been a whole bunch of guys join us here at suubi. yes, our work is primarily with women but it definitely extends to their families which usually includes males. and in most situations, you can find that men are able to bring something to the table that women aren’t able to and i think to have a guy or two around is going to be great!

i have been brainstorming some ideas of how to better serve the entire community of Walukuba and hopefully between my ideas and the brilliant ideas i’m sure the new volunteers will bring to the table, i think we’ll be able to start up some fun new things. i’ll be sure to keep you updated!

i still find myself walking down the road, turning to the person i’m with and exclaiming “geeeez, i love living here!” the path of my life will probably change in the upcoming years but for now i can’t even begin to explain how much i really enjoy where i’ve been placed and the work that’s been put before me.

wherever i’m at and whatever i’m doing, i know i’ll always be able to stand firm in the love that never fails and on the truth that is as steady as a rock. it’s my prayer that as the hands and feet of the invisible God, we would all grow in love and truth action, knowing we aren’t alone in anything we do.

i am thankful for each one of you.

may you be blessed today.

rachel, abram, john and eva.

“i did not come here to offer you clichés and i will not pretend to know of all your pain but just know that when you cannot, then i will hold out faith for you.”

these triplets had been in the hospital for over 2 ½ weeks when i visited them for the third time last Monday. i quickly saw that though eva was doing much better, john was still pretty sickly and abram was in a far worse condition than the other two. after looking at him for about a minute and seeing he had only gotten progressively worse over the past 2 ½ weeks and not progressively better, i had it decided in my head that if we didn’t do something and get him real medical attention, he would die in the next 24 hours.

after some drama with the nursing staff at the hospital, we got them transferred to an actual medical center down the road. the afternoon we got them there, they tried and tried to get blood from all three babies in hopes of running some tests on them. they successfully drew blood from only one of the babies. the level of dehydration in these little ones was astonishing, their veins were invisible. after being told that they would continue to try and get blood from little abram during the night, we left them there with their mother and father telling them we’d return to visit them all first thing in the morning.

8:30 the next morning we go to visit them and are told that they aren’t there. i ask where they went and the doctor proceeded to tell them that they transferred them back to the hospital they had came from because they couldn’t get the blood from abram. [all this translates into is that they were a bit lazy and didn’t want to or didn’t care to work hard enough on behalf of this little baby] after calmly explaining to the doctor that we had brought these babies to them because they weren’t getting the medical treatment they so desperately needed at the other place and that i was disappointed with the way their center handled the situation, we left very frustrated. not five minutes later, Rachel walks up from behind us. she said something really fast that i didn’t catch but the next words out of her mouth were ‘abram died’. i was floored and instantly said ‘what?!’, thinking that i heard wrong. she repeated herself and then said that they had refused treatment and had sent them back to the hospital in the night and that abram died a few hours later.

when she said this i was utterly at a loss of words. i’m pretty sure i didn’t get out anything but a couple ‘what’s’ and a few ‘i’m so sorry rachel’s’. my mind was going a million miles a minute.

i was incredibly sad that abram no longer had a beating heart. my heart ached because this family just lost a child, brother and grandson. i was exceedingly angry at the staff at the center that refused to treat abram. almost immediately i felt a little guilty and played the ‘what if’ game in my head. everything was so overwhelming in those moments.

as Rachel and her family went to the burial, my day didn’t slow down. i had things to pick up in walukuba. we were visiting a suubi woman at 10am. my sister who had been here a month was leaving that evening. everything seemed to spin but i knew that i couldn’t slow down yet.

after i was able to process some things on the night drive home from the airport Tuesday, we were able to visit Rachel Wednesday morning. she seemed to be doing okay and like i had felt the day before [except magnified 100 times for rachel], life couldn’t slow down for her yet. she still had 2 babies in the hospital that needed her attention. we were able to help her get some necessities and visit her at least once a day for the rest of her time in the hospital.

it was just this afternoon that we were finally able to see the leave the hospital and send them home. she had been there for about a month. i think eva will be fine. Rachel insisted on going and the nurses okayed it but part of me still thinks that john was taken out of the hospital prematurely. God is bigger than my little mind though and not only knows what he’s doing but knows why he’s doing it. i’m putting my trust in that.

all of that said [and know this is a very very shortened version of the story] please think of and pray for Eva and John and Rachel and their family. there are still some great struggles ahead of them and covering them in prayer would be so helpful. may they know in the depths of their heart that though the road is rough and path uncertain, they’ve already won the fight and that even through the death of a small and helpless child, victory will always be theirs through Christ.

“i believe you’ll outlive this pain in your heart, and you’ll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart...when some time has past us and the story can be told, it’ll mirror the strength and the courage of your soul.”

***

everything that has happened in the past weeks has really encouraged my mind to ask some of the harder questions in life. i ask these questions over and over again and yet the only answer i can seem to come up with is:

i don’t know and i don’t understand and i don’t know if i ever will.

all i really know is that the sovereignty of God is strong in the storm and His grace is flowing even in the desert.

my work here may not be physically demanding but it can sure as heck be tremendously emotionally, mentally and spiritually challenging. some days are long and i don’t know what to do with myself but i don’t doubt for one second that it’s the hand of God that has me here. . i mean that with my whole heart. God seems to have somehow etched onto my heart that though he never promises it’ll be easy, He does promise it’ll be worth it.

when you want to give up and quit, you’re still being beckoned into true Life. when a cold wind blows around you and you feel lonely, you’re still loved. when you feel obligated to succumb to the flesh, remember the Rock that created you.
friends, good times or bad, this is life and we ALL only have one.