the digits are single.

one week from now, i will have left my home.

i'll be spending one day in ks city with my family before i take off and leave the country.

i've seen this day coming for quite sometime now but i have to admit, i'm not sure how i'm handling it. even in the tears and in the hurt of leaving my friends and family, i can sense the closeness of the Lord; He is closer than my skin. when i am alone and tears are streaming down my face and i'm dreading saying good-bye, there is a peace in the innermost part of my heart - I am not alone.

i have so much to look forward to. God is calling me back to a land where beauty encompasses even what our eyes make out to be the most horrendous situations.

in going to uganda last year i think i learned more than ever that Beauty does not hold itself back. just because our eyes see pain and brokeness and incompleteness and conflict, that does not mean that there is an absence of peace and love and BEAUTY. by no means. i'm understanding this more in every passing day.


i've never felt so bi-polar in my entire life. and i don't say that to sound dramatic or animated but it's the honest truth. i feel up and down all the time. i'm not sure if i've ever been so thankful that the Lord is CONSTANT. when i'm in tears because i have to say good-bye; He's the same. when i'm elated at the thought of being with my african friends, jospephine and beautiful ugandan women; He's the same. yesterday, today and tomorrow His love never changes and neither do His plans. His plans for me were the same yesterday, today and will be tomorrow. i'm thankful that my heart hasn't lost sight of this.

it's funny how even when our plans seem so 'set', so 'definite', outside situations can completely mix things up. a week ago, i thought i knew exactly what i was doing. a couple of days ago, i was in such a place of uncertainty yet somehow, my heart remained at peace. a calmness was all around me. today, God has brought to the surface some new opportunities for me. there is still a hint of uncertainty [which is to be assumed since it's africa and things can change in an instant] but overall, i think that there are some wonderful chances for me to love and serve both women and children while i'm over there.

and let me just talk about the phrase 'while i'm over there' because hah, i don't really know exactly what that will look like. i have no idea when i'll be back in the States. the pursuit of adopting josie and what volunteer position i take on while i'm there makes it all so uncertain. i could be there for 8 months or i could be there for a much longer amount of time. i've never been so 'okay' with so much 'unknown'. i love that even when i can't see what's ahead, God knows it and He's taking me down this beautiful path of great things. i'm sure He's just bursting at the seams waiting to let me in on His plans. oh Lord, i can't wait to know. in His time...in His time.



i've received an outpouring of support through both encouraging words and financial contributions. within 5 days, i received $600, mostly from young people....from students....praise God. even though i have never had a set amount of money to be 'raised', i'm praying that God would continue to provide in the financial area. i have supported myself more than i ever thought possible and i am thankful for that but am now left at the provision of God. i can't think of a better place to be. He's the only one that can TRULY provide anyways. if you or anyone you know would like to help out financially and have a paypal account, you are able to send money to my email address: julie.durkee@gmail.com and the money will go straight into my account. if you do not have paypal but would still like to give now or even months from now, you can send checks or cash to my home. if that interests you, let me know and i'll give you the address.





may i please express how thrilled i am that i get to hold my little josie in about a week?
i can't believe it's so soon. it's been 8 months.
how great it will be to have her in my arms again.
what a precious little girl.
i'm continuing to pray for the adoption details.

there are so many more things to be said.

but i can't find the words to say them.

....i just need to make it through these next 6 days

5, 4, 3, 2...

and still, the day draws closer.
february 25th seems like it's years away.
and yet, i know it'll come at me quicker than i know.

i'm pretty much done working and that means i'm left with just over 4 weeks to 'prepare' to leave. i still haven't quite figured out how to prepare to leave for an unknown amount of time but uh, i'm working on it. i really want to dig deep in these next weeks. dig deep into the heart of God, into the lives of my family and friends and the world around me. i could see manhattan again in 8 months or i could see manhattan again in 18 months...

i'm so lost as to how my 'financial' situation is going to work out. however, don't be fooled because right now, lost and worried are not the same thing. looking at the big picture, my little mind doesn't know how it'll be pulled together. my family isn't able to give large amounts, i don't have a bulging bank account, i won't be around to do fundraisers, i am apart of a community of believers but i am not apart of an actual 'church'. all of that being said, i cling to the PROMISE that the God who has called me to this journey, will not desert me along the way. the God of Jacob, the God of Abraham, the God of Rebecca, of Moses, of Noah, of Paul, of David, of you and of me will not leave me nor forsake me.

"TRUST in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." proverbs 3.5-6

like i said earlier, my little mind can't figure out how this will all play out but it's truths like this that remind that i don't need to figure it out or even care about figuring it out. He's got the whole world in His hands and last I checked, I'm on earth right now (:

---

"go into the unknown and i will light the way and lead you
i will do the rest if you will go and leave all that you know
take a leap of faith, believe that i will do the rest if you will go"

i am fascinated by light. always have been, probably always will be.
simple sentences like the one above speak profound things into my heart.

there is this whole theme of 'unknown' in my life right now.
when i leave my family on feb. 25th, how long until i see them next - unknown.
will the adoption of josephine ever be possible - unknown
am i ever supposed to come back to the states to live - unknown
how in the world will God provide finances - unknown
etc. etc. etc.

there are some pretty big things on my heart right now if you can't tell.
i can't express how THANKFUL i am that i'm not alone to face them/handle them.
God is closer than my skin.
His Word speaks truth.
My friends and family speak truth.

i say my first hard goodbye on tuesday night.
i won't see her for who knows how long.
i honestly don't like to think about it.
["leave all that you know...i will lead you"]
God is in this. all of this.
the pain, struggle, confusion.
worth it. it's all worth it though.

i've had many conversations in the recent weeks about how the deeper we get, the more holiness we pursue, the harder the battle becomes. that's never been truer in my life than it is now. i'm thankful for this battle because it's just another way of the Lord receiving the glory - winning the battle. victory is His. always has been, always will be.

"If we do not abide in prayer, we will abide in temptation." - john owen
i'm learning, i'm learning, i'm learning.



His mercy is new.

that's enough for today.

seek peace and pursue it - psalm 34.14

somewhere a clock is ticking

my first journey to uganda began exactly one year ago today.
only 5 more weeks until i leave again for africa.

i haven't decided if i'll send email updates
or
if i'll just post every once in a while on here

i'll let everyone know as sooon as i do
(: