5, 4, 3, 2...

and still, the day draws closer.
february 25th seems like it's years away.
and yet, i know it'll come at me quicker than i know.

i'm pretty much done working and that means i'm left with just over 4 weeks to 'prepare' to leave. i still haven't quite figured out how to prepare to leave for an unknown amount of time but uh, i'm working on it. i really want to dig deep in these next weeks. dig deep into the heart of God, into the lives of my family and friends and the world around me. i could see manhattan again in 8 months or i could see manhattan again in 18 months...

i'm so lost as to how my 'financial' situation is going to work out. however, don't be fooled because right now, lost and worried are not the same thing. looking at the big picture, my little mind doesn't know how it'll be pulled together. my family isn't able to give large amounts, i don't have a bulging bank account, i won't be around to do fundraisers, i am apart of a community of believers but i am not apart of an actual 'church'. all of that being said, i cling to the PROMISE that the God who has called me to this journey, will not desert me along the way. the God of Jacob, the God of Abraham, the God of Rebecca, of Moses, of Noah, of Paul, of David, of you and of me will not leave me nor forsake me.

"TRUST in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." proverbs 3.5-6

like i said earlier, my little mind can't figure out how this will all play out but it's truths like this that remind that i don't need to figure it out or even care about figuring it out. He's got the whole world in His hands and last I checked, I'm on earth right now (:

---

"go into the unknown and i will light the way and lead you
i will do the rest if you will go and leave all that you know
take a leap of faith, believe that i will do the rest if you will go"

i am fascinated by light. always have been, probably always will be.
simple sentences like the one above speak profound things into my heart.

there is this whole theme of 'unknown' in my life right now.
when i leave my family on feb. 25th, how long until i see them next - unknown.
will the adoption of josephine ever be possible - unknown
am i ever supposed to come back to the states to live - unknown
how in the world will God provide finances - unknown
etc. etc. etc.

there are some pretty big things on my heart right now if you can't tell.
i can't express how THANKFUL i am that i'm not alone to face them/handle them.
God is closer than my skin.
His Word speaks truth.
My friends and family speak truth.

i say my first hard goodbye on tuesday night.
i won't see her for who knows how long.
i honestly don't like to think about it.
["leave all that you know...i will lead you"]
God is in this. all of this.
the pain, struggle, confusion.
worth it. it's all worth it though.

i've had many conversations in the recent weeks about how the deeper we get, the more holiness we pursue, the harder the battle becomes. that's never been truer in my life than it is now. i'm thankful for this battle because it's just another way of the Lord receiving the glory - winning the battle. victory is His. always has been, always will be.

"If we do not abide in prayer, we will abide in temptation." - john owen
i'm learning, i'm learning, i'm learning.



His mercy is new.

that's enough for today.

seek peace and pursue it - psalm 34.14