Tuesday, October 28, 2008

where'd it all go?

again, you all receive my apologies for the long delay in posting. i never have a really good reason for it all, time just gets away. however, don’t be fooled…though my fingers haven’t been busy writing blogs, my mind has definitely been reeling about various things.

i had this moment the other day where i just realized how comfortable life has become here in Uganda. not in the sense spiritual complacency and mental easiness but rather, it occurred to me how this place is no longer foreign to me. i was standing next to the van with some of the street kids and i was waiting for josh to come back with the price of how much they will buy our empty glass pop bottles for and as traffic was zooming past me, my heart was just kind of filled with a greater sense of peace than usual.

and i guess that feeling all of that peace just makes these next months all the more harder. i have been here since February 25th. today is October 25th. today marks exactly eight months. josh and i fly out on February 11th. that means about three and a half months left. in 2007 i was here in Uganda for five months and looking back, i know how quickly those months passed and to know that i now have less than that amount of time left…everything is just strange. [sorry for the possible confusion with all of that; it’s hard to follow my thoughts at times]

on wednesday night, a bunch of us escorted john to the airport to go back to america. going to the airport is always a strange emotional experience for me. regardless of whether i’m picking someone up or dropping someone off, it toys with my mind. saying good-bye is always harder than saying hello, i think we can all agree. especially for these friends of mine that are departing Uganda. if tears come to my eyes, there are usually two things causing them. one is simply that it’s sad to see friends go…to have to say good-bye knowing that when you get back to the house, their bed will be empty and the air that is usually filled with their jokes will be silent. furthermore, it’s always hard to see volunteers go because i know how hard it is to leave this place. to leave this place that they’ve absolutely come to love. to have to say good-bye to the people they’ve met and know they have the long road of american adjustment ahead of them. it can be a damn hard road to walk too.

i say all of this to somehow get to my point of how i’m having a hard time processing leaving. i know it’s a ways off but i also know how quickly it will pass. i’m not sure what i’m so worried about. the hand of God hasn’t let go of mine and i’m not alone. i have Him. i have josh. i have Melissa. i have those who support me in the States. i guess what i’ve come to realize in the past day is that Uganda and everything in it has become my life and i’m afraid of what going back to the States may look like. i don’t know life apart from this land and these people. it terrifies me to think about not being here with these women, seeing these children, being surrounded by thousands of necklaces at all times.

the unknown has always had the potential to kick our ass but right now, i’m determined to not let that be the case. my confidence in the mighty hand of God has to be stronger than my wavering doubt and fear that comes with going back to the States. i can’t let the little voices in my head be louder than the gentle whispers of God. i guess really what needs to be happening is that i need to be still and know that He is God. because if i fail to recognize that truth, things will crumble beneath my feet.

there is a song by greg hjelle called invitation fountain and one of the lines in the song is ‘’where you lead me Lord, i will follow’. i know that this may seem ridiculous and impossible but as i was listening to this song on the way home from the airport the other night, i think i realized that the Lord leading me to the States is a hell of a lot harder to accept and obey than the Lord leading me to Uganda. i’m not really sure how to process all of this or where to go from here, i only need to be reminding myself that i’m not alone. i’m grateful for that.

‘’ be strong, He has not failed you in all the past,
and will He go and leave you to sink at last?
no, He said He will hide you beneath His wing;
and sweetly there in safety you then may sing. ’’