Sunday, February 17, 2008

the digits are single.

one week from now, i will have left my home.

i'll be spending one day in ks city with my family before i take off and leave the country.

i've seen this day coming for quite sometime now but i have to admit, i'm not sure how i'm handling it. even in the tears and in the hurt of leaving my friends and family, i can sense the closeness of the Lord; He is closer than my skin. when i am alone and tears are streaming down my face and i'm dreading saying good-bye, there is a peace in the innermost part of my heart - I am not alone.

i have so much to look forward to. God is calling me back to a land where beauty encompasses even what our eyes make out to be the most horrendous situations.

in going to uganda last year i think i learned more than ever that Beauty does not hold itself back. just because our eyes see pain and brokeness and incompleteness and conflict, that does not mean that there is an absence of peace and love and BEAUTY. by no means. i'm understanding this more in every passing day.

i've never felt so bi-polar in my entire life. and i don't say that to sound dramatic or animated but it's the honest truth. i feel up and down all the time. i'm not sure if i've ever been so thankful that the Lord is CONSTANT. when i'm in tears because i have to say good-bye; He's the same. when i'm elated at the thought of being with my african friends, jospephine and beautiful ugandan women; He's the same. yesterday, today and tomorrow His love never changes and neither do His plans. His plans for me were the same yesterday, today and will be tomorrow. i'm thankful that my heart hasn't lost sight of this.

it's funny how even when our plans seem so 'set', so 'definite', outside situations can completely mix things up. a week ago, i thought i knew exactly what i was doing. a couple of days ago, i was in such a place of uncertainty yet somehow, my heart remained at peace. a calmness was all around me. today, God has brought to the surface some new opportunities for me. there is still a hint of uncertainty [which is to be assumed since it's africa and things can change in an instant] but overall, i think that there are some wonderful chances for me to love and serve both women and children while i'm over there.

and let me just talk about the phrase 'while i'm over there' because hah, i don't really know exactly what that will look like. i have no idea when i'll be back in the States. the pursuit of adopting josie and what volunteer position i take on while i'm there makes it all so uncertain. i could be there for 8 months or i could be there for a much longer amount of time. i've never been so 'okay' with so much 'unknown'. i love that even when i can't see what's ahead, God knows it and He's taking me down this beautiful path of great things. i'm sure He's just bursting at the seams waiting to let me in on His plans. oh Lord, i can't wait to know. in His His time.

i've received an outpouring of support through both encouraging words and financial contributions. within 5 days, i received $600, mostly from young people....from students....praise God. even though i have never had a set amount of money to be 'raised', i'm praying that God would continue to provide in the financial area. i have supported myself more than i ever thought possible and i am thankful for that but am now left at the provision of God. i can't think of a better place to be. He's the only one that can TRULY provide anyways. if you or anyone you know would like to help out financially and have a paypal account, you are able to send money to my email address: and the money will go straight into my account. if you do not have paypal but would still like to give now or even months from now, you can send checks or cash to my home. if that interests you, let me know and i'll give you the address.

may i please express how thrilled i am that i get to hold my little josie in about a week?
i can't believe it's so soon. it's been 8 months.
how great it will be to have her in my arms again.
what a precious little girl.
i'm continuing to pray for the adoption details.

there are so many more things to be said.
but i can't find the words to say them.

....i just need to make it through these next 6 days

1 comment:

until then, i will said...

i have your letter up on my wall.. right next to my light switch.
just sayin...
praying for you dear.