Wednesday, June 24, 2009

thoughts of the air

i am currently flying over wyoming. destination: calgary, alberta. my flight was over 3 hours delayed this evening, backing my 914pm arrival time to after 12:15am. needless to say, i'm slightly tired of airports/airplanes for today. all i want right now is to see josh, hug him, kiss him, go home and sleep. providing my plane makes its way safely to the ground, that'll happen soon. i'm looking forward to it.

quiet moments like this are the best moments for my heart and mind to just GO. to think to wander to dream to desire to long to admit to confess. the sentiment of life seems to catch up to me in these moments. i love that there is nothing in front of me to concentrate on. there is no human, no errand, no distraction. i am alone in my thoughts in this late night flight.

in so many ways, i wish much of life were like these. distraction free and careless. having my mind wander is almost healthy, it brings me back to a place of reasonable sanity and contentment.

lately i have had a full body realization of how little my biggest priority is. all in one, it's saddening and encouraging. saddening that i've let things slip but encouraging, knowing that it's not over and done with...there is room to grow and once again, get back to a place where priorities line up.

there is so much for a person to admit to the outside world. there are so many hidden things that we keep to ourselves, in fear of judgement and guilt. however there is such an awakening inside when things like this can come out. in the moments when you're surrounded by community and vulnerability gets the best of you all, there's always a weight lifted off your shoulders.

last night on the phone with josh, we had a good discussion about where we've come from, where we are now and where we want to be. discussing things that have weighed SO heavy on my heart in the past weeks and months were lifted and it's almost like now [in a weird way] i'm allowing myself, giving myself 'permission' to move on from the place i am at and into the place i want to be.

dedication and discipline kicks my ass sometimes. i fail miserably at the things i'd most like to succeed at. oh how backwards things can seem when your sight is blurry.

in six and a half weeks, i'll be a wife. [it'll probably kick my ass at times too]. the next six and a half weeks is such a great opportunity for me to continue to allow myself to be shaped into a woman with a softer spirit, a kinder heart, a stronger servant and a more passionate Believer.

i would love for the Lord to grant us [josh and i] a wider view of the things he longs to do in our lives. i hope my perspective remains solid though, acknowledging that while God knows, he's not obligated to reveal immediately. josh and i are being led down a path with a lot of unknown factors. though we would love to know what'll happen and how we'll get there, we're doing our best to embrace the journey. because as we all know, it's the journey that makes us strong and helps us learn and grow.

there is a song that i first heard a few years ago. it was on a friends [ashley ekers!] xanga site and i was instantly drawn to it. googled the lyrics and found a free download. it's one of those songs that comes and goes with different seasons. the core message of the song is quite clear...God is for us, not against us. how easy it is for us to forget this TRUTH.

whatever i face in life, it's such a sweet and gentle piece of truth to know that Jesus is for me. Jesus is for josh. Jesus is for josh and i together. if i truly believe in the Jesus of the Bible, then i must believe all things are under his watch and rule and dominion, my life no exception. there is something in that, that causes great fear but also great freedom.

right now i'm just trying to train my heart to remind my head that i'm being looked after.

i now have a canadian customs card to fill out.
this means i'm one mile closer to josh.
i'll [obviously] post later.


ps - this is home in less than 2 months.

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